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The election is finally over and the good burghers of Dudley can sleep tonight reassured in the knowledge that the borough is in firm solid/stolid hands. As predicted by no one, and especially not the political pundits who are paid vast amounts to pontificate on this sort of thing, the National Bolshevists have regained control of this picturesque principality as it nestles in the loins and spleen of the glorious West Midlands. The National Bolshevist leader, Mr David Cometoosoon, had this to say on the day of his affirmation as Dudley's leader: "I intend to heal the lesions and divisions which have rent this great town from North to South. The good citizens of North Dudley should not feel disenfranchised at my stunning and largely bewildering victory. After healing the gaping wounds with a soothing salve and the wave of a magic wand I will lead a united Dudley into the 22nd century. Remember, in the land of the stupid, the half-wit is king".
The leader of the opposition, Ed Milletseed, was thoroughly trounced by an electorate who turned their heavy posteriors (Arse, big fat, Arrrrse) to the opposition leader and farted gratefully in his general direction/election. Although the darling of the unbiased media, Millisecond, failed to inspire or convince the electorate that he was not a smarmy, oily, toad of a man with a speech impediment. However, it is conceded, that generally, this has never been an obstacle for most politicians. Mr Milledeed, acknowledged defeat today and is expected to step down as party leader for someone less foreign looking.
Mr Hick Nag of the 'Inconsequential Party' and erstwhile coalition leader, lost the seat of his trousers and was soundly ignored by the electorate. The 'Limp-Hens' have never been serious contenders and failed to ignite the bonfire of apathy in an electorate who could care less. Mr Hag, will also step down as leader after his party's dismal showing at the polls. He is expected to disappear into political limbo and is unlikely to be offered a lucrative and cushy post with an ineffectual, but revenue wasting, international agency.
The surprise of the today must be attributed to Mrs Kranky of the succulently/succinctly named: 'Party for the Independence of North Dudley and Environs'. The North Dudley folk have always seen themselves as 'special' and unconnected from the suave and sophisticated South. North Dudley has, over time, become a repository for those favouring a wan complexion and a leaning toward a ginger crown. 'Ginger' is seen as an affliction by the 'European Commission' and is well known to segregate with pugnaciousness (not a real word) and a fondness for the grape (surely some mistake) and consequently is eligible for ridiculous amounts of other people's money. The North Dudley electorate, in a breathtaking sweep of defiance, have seen fit to elect a conclave of Mrs Kranky's cronies. The result is seen as a resounding poke in the eye to the elitist and Southern led National Bolshevist Party. Mr Comeroundtomyplace is expected to concede, at least rhetorically, and then do nowt. As he has the majority in the 'Council House' he can say and then do as he likes, at least until it comes to be being re-elected, once again. The watchword will be: 'Take heed by word if not by deed'. The refrain of every successful politician.