Saturday 27 June 2015

Flaxen Saxon's big day out

I had planned to write a post about cancer, but that will have to wait another day. On a whim, my son asked my wife and I to have a day off work. We were entrusted into his hands and had no idea what was planned.

On a beautiful, but cold sunny day in Wellington, we drove into town. First, my son dropped off my wife at the shopping mall. We then progressed to the Wellington War Memorial. It is set in subdued, beautiful, park grounds. The building has an imposing dignity as befits its purpose. The serenity is palpable and made me silently gasp. To the front lies the tomb of the Unknown Soldier- a soldier, 'known only unto God'. I'm an atheist, and even so, I'm still moved by these words.

Inside there is an extensive, well-constructed, exhibit of the First World War. Each level represents a year. War posters festoon the walls. Huge photographs of men and war, in colour, are everywhere. Mood lighting enhances the tableau. Seeing colour photos of men long dead is uncanny and evocative. These men could have walked out of the wall and shook my hand.

The First World War is a historical event that can be contemplated in a cold intellectual light. No different from the Punic Wars fought over two thousand years ago or the Napoleonic Wars fought two hundred years ago. These wars were also fundamental in changing the course of European history and hence, world history. The difference is the photographs; they insinuate and make the past, tangible. The First World War was probably the first major war where photography was rampant. The images capture men in extremis; their faces tell all. 

Exhibits of equipment, items of war and guns and tanks were scattered throughout. All, cleverly prepared and well thought out and organised. None of the static, fusty museum exhibits of old; no decrepit stuff in glass cases. All was vibrant and enhanced with surround sound. The centre piece was a huge model of a critical battle during the Gallipoli campaign. I gazed intently but could never gain perspective. The whole thing was wonderfully done and poignant. World weary bugger that I am, I confess, I shed a silent tear. My son didn't see it, or if he did, he didn't say.  

Afterward, we went to Wellington's premier museum, 'Te Papa'. If you ever come to the end of the world- come to Te Papa; tis free after all. Well, not really free, as a resident Wellingtonian, I pay through the rates/nose. On reflection, leave a donation. There we queued to see the 'Gallipoli Campaign' exhibition. Wow. Fantastically recreated war scenes and larger than life and perfectly crafted mannequins towered over us mortals. The word mannequin does not do justice to the figures before our eyes. So cleverly fashioned, you can see the sweat on the faces, the protruding veins and the pores on the hand- you need to see it up close to appreciate the sculptors' skill; absolutely stunning.
We finished off with a meal and a beer. And then we picked up the missus and my son's girlfriend.

What an awesome day, thank you, son.

Scale and perspective

Thursday 25 June 2015

George and Arthur's Wicked Wheeze- cough

Britain's secret weapon
In the early autumn of 1941, the German army stood resplendent and ascendant on the battlefield, everywhere- all lay conquered before the mighty Wehrmacht. The British looked on in dismay and frank despair. A confidence boosting victory was desperately needed. In Britain's darkest hour, Churchill came up with a bold incisive plan......

What if two washed up, piss poor and excruciating unfunny vaudeville entertainers were parachuted into the heart of enemy territory. When ensconced they would head for Hitler's East Prussian fortress, 'The Wolfschanze' and make a half arsed and inept attempt at assassination. The only suitable candidates who fulfilled all the criteria for this hazardous and scarcely credible mission were none other than our jolly japesters (is this a real word?), Arthur (no arse-in da future) Askey and George (fulsome toothsome) Formby.

At that time, Hitler was protected by his personal bodyguard, the 1st  SS Seamstress brigade. These infamous Valkyries sewed terror wherever they went. Adept at needlepoint and croquet they were renowned for producing delicate stitch work on the soldiers they had slain. It is to be remembered that it was the 1st SS Seamstress brigade who were responsible for the Russian debacle at Kiev, when the Russian 63rd Guards army was thoroughly trounced and stitched up like a kipper after some fine and vigorous Bargello embroidery.

Brunhilder Von Mugumbo (woof, woof)

Our mirthless pair were promptly dropped into East Prussia on that fateful Wednesday night. Our George was armed with the latest weapon grade ukulele designed to fire poisoned darts with a twang of a string. Big hearted Arthur was furnished and girded with the ‘Busy Bee’ song which was credited with killing a storm trooper at fifty paces. After a cup of tea and a Marmite sandwich they quickly approached the ‘Wolf’s Lair’. Luckily for our luckless duo, the guards were engaged in their weekly sewing circle and failed to notice our befuddled buffoons negotiating the intricate, wool weave, perimeter defences. Once inside, they dashed to the cabin, helpfully labelled, 'Der Führers Schlafzimmer'. The door was unlocked and our beguiled heroes prepared their respective instruments of doom with suitable aplomb. Just then, the fickle finger of fate intervened and Hitler’s pet ferrets, Donner und Blitzen leapt out of the stygian darkness and savaged Arthur’s ankles. Arthur screamed, “I thank you” and our dozy dimwits were promptly surrounded by a trio of voluptuous shield maidens sporting a tailor's brad awl. The game was up and it was decided to execute the humourless pair by sewing machine. But once again destiny intervened and Hitler (denn er ist) decided that our feeble witted dyad should return to Blighty, unharmed. Wisely, he conjectured that Arthur and George would cause mayhem and chaos to the allied war machine just by performing their hackneyed music hall routine. It was hoped, that single handed, they would destroy the Allied war effort by seriously undermining the troop's morale.

So instead of an unmarked grave our duet foisted their unbridled and talentless enthusiasm on the poor unsuspecting British Army- thus are the vicissitudes of war and fate (arsch). 

To be continued……   

                                                               Take it away, George 

Sunday 21 June 2015

The Beginning of Critical Thought

Time for a very sensible post

'Aristotle, Aristotle, was a bugger for the bottle'

When young, I followed a strain of mysticism. I was trying to make sense and comprehend this strange 'thing' we call existence. Also, like many young men, I was a fool. The mysticism I consulted had ready made answers for everything. At first I accepted this, but as I matured intellectually, the solutions started to appear superficial and glib. I started to ask questions, such as: 'On what basis is this belief supported'? My burgeoning experience and training as a scientist reinforced my doubt. Eventually, I evolved and sometime in my mid twenties I emerged as a fully fledged sceptic and rationalist. Even as I rapidly approach my dotage I remain firmly fixed that knowledge remains with the rational. There are no short cuts. For those who seek a quick fix for life's conundrums, mysticism will, no doubt, provide answers.

Rational thought began with the ancient Greeks. Sometime in the 6th century BC something amazing happened in the small city states which comprised the Greek 'nation'. Although never a nation in the conventional sense, as each city was passionately and fiercely independent, however, they were bound by a common racial and cultural identity. Why the Greeks became rational is something of a mystery. Older and more sophisticated civilisations should have beaten them to it, but they didn't. We have no written record of whether an Egyptian in 1400 BC reflected on why the sun traversed the sky, in a scientific sense. Of course the Egyptians had explanations, but these were based on the 'God Explanation'. Thus god, or gods, made everything happen. Magic wands are a powerful instrument to stunt intellectual thought. To these folk, to ponder on how gods make things happen would have seemed impious and tantamount to heresy. They were not stupid, however, their smarts were channelled into ritual and 'knowledge' which was considered profound and important, to them.

The ancient Egyptians and Assyrians had knowledge. It was a practical form of knowledge often worked out by trial and error. The ancient Egyptians couldn't have built the pyramids without a sound grasp of geometry. They never made the intellectual leap to consider the abstract and build on concepts. If things were not useful for religious or building purposes it was not worth considering. In a way this is what happened to the intelligentsia in the middle ages. Learned Monks were consumed with doctrinal religious minutiae and therefore, contributed to intellectual progress, not at all; pity. As an example, regard the works of Thomas Aquinas, the supreme medieval Catholic scholar. This remarkable man focussed absolutely on religious matters and dogma. Shame he didn't focus his formidable intellect on answering the world's conundrums with scientific principles. Religion always stultifies intellectual thought and progression, it never helps. When has a papal bull resulted in a longer lasting light bulb? I rest my case.

So the Greeks, somehow, became speculative. We can sense their wonder and gape at their genius from our established and rational perspective 2,600 years later. The Greeks were the first people to consider mechanistic and none wand waving solutions to the mysteries of life. Their tentative foray was fascinatingly wrong. It was a start, and those who followed built upon admittedly weak foundations. It is understandable that the first exploration into the rational was shaky. What really mattered was the methodology. A methodology which did not submit to unsupported assertion; everything was questioned and scrutinised. By the time we come to the apex of Greek thought in the 5th and 4th centuries BC we are confronted with the vast intellects of Socrates, Plato and Aristotle. Plato and Aristotle pondered deeply on everything. Socrates, with brief forays into other disciplines, maintained he was only concerned with ethics.  

These great men sincerely believed that all knowledge could be achieved by thinking very hard. Now there are some problems which are suited to this technique. Mathematics and formal logic come to mind. However, there are some problems not so easily solved by the pondering, ponderous, intellect alone. Knowledge based on experience was completely dismissed, or given scant regard. This is a great shame as we now know that most of our practical problems are solved this way. The 'experience' method, or as it is better known the 'scientific method' is based on the critical observation of the real world.
Thus, the ancient Greeks made great strides in the realm of logic and mathematics. As for the rest, apart from ethical issues, they contributed little. Their delving into the real world was astonishingly naive for men of such penetrating intellect. Sadly, such was the authority of Plato and Aristotle, that their stultifying influence lasted 2,000 years. During the enlightenment and scientific revolution every discovery had to refute some Plato/Aristotelian doctrine. Remember, Aristotle stated that flies generated spontaneously from rotting meat.

Sadly, critical thought in the Western World died with the subjugation of the Greeks to Rome. The Romans cared for philosophy, not at all. It was a mere diversion in intellectual sophistry for the elite before they went off to kill people. The Romans made straight roads, strong swords and armour. This made them great. Let the oiled effeminate Greeks pontificate on things not related to war or the land. Thus the Romans contributed absolutely nothing to abstract thought. They contributed to literature, no doubt. Read Tacitus and tell me you are not moved!  Intellectual energy was channelled into prose and the practical. A Roman noble could recite Homer whilst stabbing a Teutonic barbarian, east or west, of the Rhine
So we come to the final point and perhaps, tragedy. Western society is supposed to be founded on sound scientific principles. Strange, as most folk couldn't define 'principle' and if it disappeared from the lexicon they would not notice- fucking shame.

The Ancient Greeks were astonishing. Although they contributed greatly to intellectual thought, most of what they said was wrong. Apart from their contribution to mathematics and logic, most of what they said, was complete bollocks. But it was a start.     

'Socrates himself, is particularly missed, a great little thinker especially when pissed'

Saturday 20 June 2015

The Impending Royal Visit

Who's Ya Daddy

The Palace has just announced the impending visit of Prince Harry to the Municipal town of 'Dudley on da Canal'. Royal protocol demands that the proletariat of 'Dudley on da Canal' should abase themselves in the presence of the Royal opulence. In times past a simple genuflection from the waist was deemed sufficient. But as we move into more enlightened times, full proskynesis is thought more appropriate and prevents the expansive security personnel from applying a cattle prod to the miscreant’s genitals.

Prince Harry, 'The People's Prince', will arrive by motorcade. He will travel in a gold plated jewel encrusted Rolls Royce as befits this humble, simple down to earth, billionaire. The first stop will be 'Dudley on da Canal’s', Town Hall. For the occasion, the town hall will be lavishly bedecked in ermine and dripping in luxurious drapes. No expense will be spared as the furnishing of said building is coming directly from the local rate payers. Once inside this facade, Harry (for it is one) will enjoy a sumptuous banquet fit for a king. Sweetmeats and enticing viands are to be imported as far away as exotic Birmingham. As you have probably guessed, no expense will be spared. Afterwards, Prince Harry will meet up with those who have paid vast amounts of gelt to meet the Royal Ginger. This will include the rising ‘Coronation Street’ starlet, Miss Fagash (call me ‘big tits’) Mugumbo. Not since 1911 have the good burghers of Dudley etc have been enthralled by an exulted Royal presence. As you will no doubt recall, in 1911, the municipality had the pleasure and privilege to entertain the beloved German Emperor and King of Prussia, Kaiser Wilhelm II.       

Coro starlet, in repose

Due to recent changes in the rules of accession/succession, Prinz Harry is no longer in the first rank to succeed King Charles Spaniel. Under Charles’s influence, female royalty as well as royal pets and even vegetation have been enrolled. Thus Harry finds himself beleaguered and in 112th position to become King. He is below in the order, following Bessie the Corgi, a pot plant called Bertie and the ever popular, Shagger ‘The Ferret’. Shagger on hearing that he is 12th  in  line to the kingdom promptly showed his enthusiasm by gorging on assorted blocks of polystyrene and plastic insulation- ‘Go Shagger’.   

After consuming several bottles of champagne, Prince of ‘Hearts’ will mingle with the hoi polloi in an impromptu and unstaged/upstaged, meet and grate. It is expected that Hazza will challenge several members of the public to an arm wrestling contest before relinquishing the royal stomach contents over a proffered baby.

It was hoped, by almost no one, that he would have been accompanied by his father. But as the possibility remains endless, this was not to be. Bugger nuts. 

The beloved Prince

We certainly live in wondrous times.  

'Shagger' in waiting

Wednesday 17 June 2015

Japanese Sniper Unearthed in Tipton Sewer

Lucky, Gator got him

Unnerving news from the quaintly unattractive town of Tipton. For today, it can be revealed that Tipton has been harbouring a dangerous enemy within its midst. An evil malingering Japanese sniper has been nestling in the town's capacious bosom and suckling at its expansive teat. It is conjectured that Private Honda Suzuki entered Tipton sometime in 1944 in a midget submarine, which is just as well as he was very small. After navigating the waterways of the West Midlands he alighted in Tipton's sewer system via the Dudley to Birmingham canal. Once sequestered in the fetid underground tunnels he quickly gravitated to the stairwell leading directly to Tipton's main thoroughfare. There he set up his sniper position with verve and aplomb.

His mission was simply defined: To lie in wait and when the opportunity presented he was expected to lift the man-hole with his cunning inscrutable, sloping forehead. Thereupon he would rest his buck teeth on the metal lip of the hole thus gaining purchase, traction and stability. Henceforth, he would place his thick pebbled glasses atop his retrousse, button nose. Due to his diminutive stature it was necessary for him to perch precariously on a hat box which, when not in use, was secreted within a fold up his small but perfectly formed arse- on the second shelf next to the udon noodles. Suitably imbued he would reach for his Arisaki sniper’s rifle and take pot shots at the passing citizenry. Luckily for the Tiponites, Kendo Origami, like all Japanese snipers, was a very poor shot. No one became enamoured or incapacitated. During his 70 years ingrained within the stygian septic conduit, Yamaha Katana, managed to remain undetected by Tipton passerby's who never guessed that below their feet lurked a loyal soldier of his Imperial Majesty and odious Chief Nip, Hirohito.

The sniper subsisted on a diet comprising/composing entirely of chicken 'fried' nuggets  (sans chicken) which alighted in the sewer via the grill after cascading from a cunningly fashioned hole in Mr Khan's deep fat fryer. As you will recall, Mr Khan, of 'Mr Khan's Halal Greasy Food Emporium' had a takeaway poised lasciviously above Tipton's main drain. 

Dem pesky specs
However, unbeknownst to our intrepid sniper there lurked within a deadly nemesis. For many years past, Tipton residents had been flushing down their toilets, exotic reptiles, including alligators.  One fateful day, Mitsubishi Sushi came face to face with a 4 foot alligator. After a brief struggle, our intrepid Lilliputian Nipper was devoured whole. All that remained of Nissan Aston Martin was his pebble glasses neatly folded in their resplendent spectacle case. Those who witnessed the event, including Mr Mugumbo, thought the final result reminiscent  of Geisha's work at its finest. Geisha's would often distract their clients with subtle origamic (not a real word) work of exquisite form, in order to delay the inevitable and unrequited, finality. 
Later that day, the alligator was hanged by neck until life was relinquished for harbouring a war criminal. There are some who thought there was a Nip in the air, but as it was June, it was considered, unlikely. Arse.      

Depiction of the intrepid event, in bronze

Saturday 13 June 2015

What a Silly Old Hunt that Professor is

Sir Tim Hunt contemplating unemployment

If you are not aware of the story I am about to pontificate sagely upon, I suggest you read this brief article for context.

I don't know whether my readers have taken note of the media storm concerning the British Nobel Laureate, Sir Tim Hunt. He gave a talk at a Korean scientific conference and made an impression unrelated to his undoubted and customary wisdom. Apparently, he made a few disparaging remarks about women in science and stated that women should stay out of the lab because they distract the men. The subsequent reaction was incandescent. He has been pilloried and has had to resign his position at an English University. His particular field will be poorer as a consequence, but only the scientific community will weep. Certainly not the journalists, for they will have moved on to the next big and 'important' thing (Kardashian's big, fat, arse). Should we judge brilliant, but 'mad', professors by our  mortal standards?  Probably, but generally their remarks do not attract attention outside the hallowed and cloistered halls of acadaemia. In mitigation, he was expressing a free opinion in a supposed free society. Really, should we give a shit about whether anyone found his remarks offensive? These sort of sentiments are expressed in labs (and offices) all over the world, often tongue in cheek. His greatest mistake was exposing his wit to the awaiting Press. Like sharks, they are always on the prowl for a great story. To be fair Flaxen, sharks eat aquatic prey and lack the higher brain functions to pursue a story which makes great copy. Also computers will not work in the salty sea. And another thing, sharks lack opposable fins- tis hard to hold a pencil under these circumstances. The paper would get wet and disintegrate. Totally an unrealistic proposition; I've digressed and accordingly, feel, suitably chastened.

Sir Hunt is a typical and marvellous example of the 'Great British Eccentric'- long may they reign. It is not as if he was thinking of a political career. A world run by Professors would be a dismal and surreal place, indeed; I prophesise a very short reign. Where this sort of behaviour is deemed detrimental is in the political arena, especially if it becomes manifest to the media. Being careful with your words makes you a 'good' politician, apparently; at least in today's rampant PC environment. Although most regard politicians as useless, self-serving and ineffectual. However, If a politician aspires to appear 'great' they should perfect their oration. In a thousand years time, the only politicians to be remembered will be Churchill and Hitler* (Blair who?). Both were great orators, but both were flawed human beings whose political errors were legion. To gain true perspective we need to have been there. Posterity makes saints and monsters depending on chance and military dominance. And let's face it, where do you ever see the super smart entering politics? The only exception is Enoch Powell and look what happened to him. We are supposedly more sophisticated and politically savvy than those long gone and less easily fooled by the spoken word. Not everyone, of course, that would be just silly. Most folk couldn't distinguish between a Nazi and a Communist even if he burnt their collective farm down to the ground.

In my experience, scientists are incredibly un-PC. They are the master of off colour jokes especially relating to their profession and everything else for that matter.  Most, unless they are brilliant, or photogenic, are not thrust onto the public stage to express an opinion. Usually, when this happens, the smarter the scientist, the stranger the utterance. Scientists are not used to the media, and unlike politicians, tend to tell the truth; this pleases no one, especially the media. Luckily for everyone, editing makes for an easy conscience and viewing. Who will know the difference?   

If you want a laugh, read this: Arse

My Research Assistant: Now you know why I don't get much work done these days 

*Once again, I feel constrained to make a comment. Frankly, with the audience I attract I shouldn't have to do this sort of thing and it goes against the grain-  don't worry, I don't intend to make a habit of it. I am right wing by natural persuasion but I am not a fascist. Therefore, the comment should in no way be seen as hero worship or endorsement of the general policies of Sir Winston Churchill.  

My latest research......

Guess who forgot to take his meds today....

Deconstructing the Partition Table Conundrum as applied to Genetic Partisibles Using the A.R.S.E  Application

Dr Flaxen Saxon and Prof Ipod Mugumbo


After years of compelling research into RPCs, we confirm the study of ARSE, which embodies the technical principles of parallel complexity theory. We probe how wide-area networks can be applied to the exploration of A* search with particular emphasis on partition variables. In this regard we apply the term-'ARSE', which for our purpose will apply to all partition tables greater or equal to the prospective term (see Turing et al 1945, for clarification and summation).


Geneticists agree that knowledge-based algorithms are an interesting new topic in the field of complexity theory, and steganographers concur. The notion that information theorists interfere with access points is generally considered intuitive. After years of typical research into RPCs, we demonstrate the emulation of partition tables, which embodies the appropriate principles of complexity theory. The deployment of cache coherence tremendously endorses model checking and coherency.

Motivated by these observations, the synthesis of Scheme and stoic fault tolerance [18] have been extensively simulated by theorists. It should be noted that ARSE notation and theory controls the construction of rogue networks. However, this solution is generally adamantly opposed [21]. Combined with N-Conjecture, such a claim negates a novel system for the deployment of XML.

The investigation of context-free grammar and the simulation of extreme programming have been extensively developed by mathematicians. This is an important point to understand: two properties make this approach pertinent: ARSE explores the analysis of lambda calculus, and also our algorithm turns the probabilistic symmetries sledgehammer into a scalpel. We emphasize that Mugumbo emulates the visualisation of Baysean variables. For example, many applications manage "fuzzy" epistemologies. Existing adaptive and pseudorandom heuristics use adaptive theory to learn 'Partition Tables'. It is regularly a private mission but often conflicts with the need to provide the Turing machine to end-users. Therefore, we present an analysis of regular partition tables (ARSE), which we use to confirm that operating systems and object-oriented languages can collude to solve this quandary.

In this paper we construct new interposable technology (ARSE), which we use to prove that the seminal concurrent algorithm for the study of the location-identity split [21] is recursively enumerable. The drawback of this type of approach, however, is that SMPs can be made replicated, multimodal, and stochastic. Existing introspective and heterogeneous applications use signed algorithms to cache replication. Two properties make this method different: Mugumbo caches probabilistic methodologies, and also ARSE evaluates the refinement of I/O automata. We emphasize that ARSE locates simulated annealing, without caching 802.11b. and combined with certifiable algorithms, such a claim refines new optimal configurations.

The rest of this paper is organized as follows. We motivate the need for the innovative circumlution. We demonstrate the need for the integration of Boolean logic. Next, we place our work in context with the related work in this area [20]. 

  Related Work

We now compare our solution to related ubiquitous configurations methods [19,7,18,6]. The only other noteworthy work in this area suffers from astute assumptions about secure nodalities [22,26]. Instead of emulating lossless archetypes, we fulfill this purpose simply by constructing the understanding of Moore's Law. On a similar note, Wu and Thomas [13] explored the first known instance of secure algorithms. MugumColombo represents a significant advance upon this work. Next, instead of investigating the intuitive unification of DHTs and interrupts [8,24,27,26,18], we fulfill this ambition simply by studying the development of the Daedlean-Hooper paradox [29]. We plan to adopt many of the concepts from this existing work in future versions of ARSE.

ARSE builds on previous work in Bayesian epistemologies and theory. F. Robinson developed a similar solution, however we proved that ARSE is optimal [18]. Further, Stephen Hawking suggested a scheme for enabling semantic models, but did not fully realize the implications and power of partition tables at the time [23]. Instead of enabling Boolean logic [24], we realize this objective simply by extemporising from known linear constructs [13]. The original approach to this problem by Jackson was promising; contrarily, such a claim did not completely fulfill this purpose.

The deployment of heterogeneous models has been widely studied [25,14]. In this work, we surmounted all of the issues inherent in the relevant studies. Sun and Gupta [16] originally articulated the need for redundancy [11]. Further, although Fredrick P. Brooks, Jr. et al. also considered this solution, we deployed it independently and simultaneously. Therefore, the class of solutions enabled by ARSE is fundamentally different from related solutions [5]. Despite the fact that this work was published before ours, we came up with the solution first but could not publish it until now due to copyright restrictions.


It would be salutary to visualise a methodology for how ARSE might behave in theory. Further, our heuristic does not require such a technical observation to run correctly or concurrently. We assume that optimal configurations can reinforce our conjecture without needing to enable N values greater than 2. This seems to hold in most cases. ARSE does not require a natural analysis to run correctly. Along these same lines, ARSE does not require an essential evaluation to run at all, but it essentially provides independent confirmation. 

Suppose that there exists mobile models such that we can easily visualise the memory cache. Even though futurists never estimate the exact opposite, our solution depends on this property for correct interpretation. We estimate that cache coherence and rasterization are never incompatible. Despite the fact that analysts rarely hypothesise the exact opposite, ARSE depends on this property for correct interpretation. We assume that each component  of  ARSE is optimal, independent of all other components. The methodology for our system consists of four independent components: online algorithms, optimal configurations, symbiotic communication, and 802.11 mesh networks. We assume that coding information can interegate partition tables without needing to allow erasure coding. This is a key property of ARSE.

Our heuristic relies on the important framework outlined in the recent infamous work by Robert Floyd et al. in the field of complexity theory. This seems to hold in most cases. However, is acknowledged that this may or may not actually hold in reality. Continuing with this rationale, we believe that the well-known symbiotic algorithm for the understanding of model checking by U. Thompson runs in Θ(n2) time. Obviously, the model that ARSE uses is feasible.


After several minutes of difficult optimizing, we finally have a working implementation of our system. ARSE is composed of a homegrown database, a centralised logging facility, and a virtual machine monitor. The server daemon and the centralised logging facility must run in the same JVM. We plan to release all of this code under X11 license.

Our evaluation methodology represents a valuable research contribution in and of itself. Our overall performance analysis seeks to prove three hypotheses: (1) that we can do much to adjust an algorithm's notation ; (2) that 802.11b has actually shown amplified replication over time; and finally (3) that checksums no longer adjust Dry-Field throughput. Our evaluation strategy will show that automating the average bandwidth of our operating system is crucial to our results.

Hardware and Software Configuration

One must understand our network configuration to grasp the genesis of our results. We instrumented a quantized simulation on Intel's human test subjects to prove metamorphic modalities's lack of influence on the work of Italian chemist Fredrick P. Brooks, Jr.. we only measured these results when simulating it in software. For starters, we added 200 150GB hard disks to our millenium testbed to discover the effective flash-memory space of our human test subjects. Second, we removed 150kB/s of Wi-Fi throughput from our network to understand modalities. Similarly, we reduced the ROM space of our underwater overlay network. The 3GB of flash-memory described here explain our unique results. On a similar note, Italian cryptographers halved the flash-memory speed of UC Berkeley's desktop machines to discover the effective floppy disk space of our planetary-scale cluster [1,20,4,16,9,31,3]. Lastly, we added more CISC processors to our network.

Building a sufficient software environment took time, but was well worth it in the end. We implemented our Smalltalk server in JIT-compiled B, augmented with randomly noisy, replicated extensions. All software was linked using GCC 8.7.4 built on the German toolkit for collectively evaluating noisy IBM PC Juniors. Second, Along these same lines, all software was linked using AT&T System V's compiler built on the Japanese toolkit for collectively improving 10th-percentile clock speed. This concludes our discussion of software modifications.

  Experiments and Results

We have taken great pains to describe out evaluation strategy setup. That being said, we ran four novel experiments: (1) we ran 53 trials with a simulated Web server workload, and compared results to our middleware emulation; (2) we compared median signal-to-noise ratio on the Microsoft Windows NT, FreeBSD and Mach operating systems; (3) we deployed 82 Nintendo Gameboys across the 100-node network, and tested our DHTs accordingly; and (4) we asked (and answered) what would happen if randomly fuzzy flip-flop gates were used instead of interrupts. All of these experiments completed without the black smoke that results from hardware failure or access-link congestion.

Now for the climactic analysis of the first two experiments. The results come from only 3 trial runs, and were not reproducible. We scarcely anticipated how inaccurate our results were in this phase of the evaluation. Similarly, we scarcely anticipated how accurate our results were in this phase of the evaluation. On a similar note, the results come from only 4 trial runs, and were not reproducible [28].


In conclusion, in this work we described ARSE, an event-driven tool for simulating rasterization. Our system has set a precedent for efficient modalities, and we expect that electrical engineers will visualize our framework for years to come. Although such a hypothesis at first glance seems perverse, it usually conflicts with the need to provide the memory bus to stoichastic systems. We concentrated our efforts on verifying that the UNIVAC computer and courseware can synchronize to fulfill this objective. To solve this problem for expert systems, we introduced a multimodal tool for studying extreme programming. One potentially improbable flaw of our system is that it can learn the Ethernet; we plan to address this in future work.


Agarwal, R. Web: A methodology for the construction of thin clients. In Proceedings of MICRO (June 2002).

Bose, O. Decoupling local-area networks from IPv6 in 802.11b. Tech. Rep. 26-7104, MIT CSAIL, Aug. 2005.

Brown, P. Protein: A methodology for the understanding of context-free grammar. In Proceedings of SIGCOMM (Dec. 2004).

Dahl, O., and Kubiatowicz, J. Decoupling the location-identity split from replication in digital-to- analog converters. In Proceedings of the Conference on Semantic, Secure Symmetries (Apr. 2000).

Einstein, A. A methodology for the evaluation of Boolean logic. Journal of Authenticated Archetypes 49 (Aug. 2003), 20-24.

Floyd, S., and Garcia, O. H. Deploying multi-processors and the location-identity split using Hesp. Tech. Rep. 4752/487, Intel Research, May 1995.

Garcia, F., and Shenker, S. Symbiotic, mobile models for extreme programming. In Proceedings of OOPSLA (Oct. 1996).

Garcia, M. Pseudorandom algorithms for B-Trees. In Proceedings of the USENIX Security Conference (July 2004).

Hartmanis, J., Raman, H., Stearns, R., Estrin, D., Shastri, C., and Reddy, R. Utes: A methodology for the improvement of information retrieval systems that would allow for further study into Internet QoS. In Proceedings of SIGCOMM (July 1992).

Iverson, K., Kobayashi, H. T., Williams, N., and Cocke, J. Enabling wide-area networks and forward-error correction using TutFusion. In Proceedings of WMSCI (July 2002).

Jackson, S., Saxon, D. F., and Jackson, a. GRE: A methodology for the simulation of suffix trees. In Proceedings of IPTPS (May 1999).

Jacobson, V., Hawking, S., and Hoare, C. JuneTig: Modular, optimal communication. In Proceedings of SIGMETRICS (July 1967).

Kaashoek, M. F. The influence of permutable archetypes on theory. Journal of Highly-Available Technology 5 (Mar. 2005), 20-24.

Kahan, W., and Miller, H. Plodder: Stochastic, distributed configurations. Journal of Electronic, Cooperative Symmetries 27 (Mar. 2002), 20-24.

Lampson, B., Hoare, C. A. R., Zhao, X., Garcia, E., and Takahashi, P. Comparing redundancy and agents with Lin. Journal of Flexible, "Smart" Models 88(Dec. 2004), 81-107.

Lee, W. Comparing redundancy and context-free grammar. NTT Technical Review 97 (Mar. 1999), 1-12.

Levy, H., Culler, D., Thompson, K., Bose, O., White, W., Culler, D., and Bhabha, D. A methodology for the evaluation of compilers. Journal of Psychoacoustic, Low-Energy Symmetries 6 (Feb. 2003), 156-190.

Maruyama, O., and Johnson, T. A methodology for the evaluation of hash tables. IEEE JSAC 28 (Nov. 2000), 45-58.

Moore, H. Comparing hierarchical databases and IPv6. In Proceedings of PODC (July 1997).

Needham, R., Cook, S., ErdÖS, P., and Saxon, D. F. A case for suffix trees. Journal of Secure, Client-Server Models 43 (Feb. 1994), 71-93.

Nygaard, K., Iverson, K., Levy, H., Vignesh, E., and Hamming, R. A simulation of architecture with BLOT. In Proceedings of MICRO (July 2005).

Robinson, I., and Culler, D. Deconstructing object-oriented languages. In Proceedings of the Workshop on Wearable Modalities (June 1999).

Robinson, S., Needham, R., Ullman, J., and White, Y. Towards the synthesis of scatter/gather I/O. In Proceedings of the Workshop on Knowledge-Based Models (Feb. 1970).

Sadagopan, U. Investigating Lamport clocks using cacheable algorithms. In Proceedings of SIGGRAPH (Dec. 1953).

Sato, Z. Decoupling scatter/gather I/O from IPv6 in erasure coding. Journal of Relational Modalities 42 (Dec. 2002), 77-82.

Simon, H., Adleman, L., and Sato, K. Public-private key pairs considered harmful. In Proceedings of SIGMETRICS (Jan. 2001).

Tanenbaum, A., and Davis, J. Y. Web browsers no longer considered harmful. In Proceedings of SOSP (May 2004).

Tarjan, R., Garey, M., and Johnson, P. Homogeneous, unstable methodologies for cache coherence. In Proceedings of PODC (Sept. 2001).

Turing, A. An emulation of suffix trees. In Proceedings of HPCA (Jan. 1995).

Ullman, J., and Hennessy, J. Comparing object-oriented languages and hierarchical databases using CistedRoset. In Proceedings of the Conference on Embedded, Knowledge-Based Epistemologies (Feb. 1986).

Wu, Y. Deconstructing agents using SubQuey. Journal of Wearable, Autonomous Algorithms 15 (Aug. 2000), 42-55.

Thursday 11 June 2015

Tipton Love Turbot on the Wane!

Tipton Beach after the clean up
Tangible news from Tipton’s only premier beach, ‘Beacho El Tipton’. Today it can be revealed that routine testing of the water lapping against the scum fringed shore has disclosed the presence of human excrement and weapons grade plutonium. Indeed, the whole beach is resplendent and replete with sizzling shit. 

A typical Tipton resident in repose
Mr ‘Baby Doc’ Vowel, the recently invested Mayor of Tipton, in a press announcement, had this to say: “The detection of harmless contaminants is in no way related to an agreement signed with the Glorious North Korean leader, Dim Pong Un Ping, for the importation of radioactive human faeces. I can assure you, that as the Managing Director of the ‘Glorious Glowing Korean Human Waste Corporation’, and after absconding to Bermuda, I will initiate a full investigation into this matter. In the meantime I would like to stress that the good citizens of Tipton should feel safe to bathe in the enriched, bubbling waters of the ‘Costo Del Radioactive Poo’. I am in no way worried about reports of swimmers sporting extra digits and nipples. This well recognised phenomenon is known to be due to the high coefficient of inbreeding in the area and is completely unrelated to the mutating effects of ionising, high energy, gamma rays. Extra fingers should be seen as a positive boon in the modern world as it aids manual dexterity, no end. And in my opinion, you can’t have too many nipples. Tis also to be noted that under the relentless barrage of radiation (allegedly), used and discarded condoms, known hereabout as, ‘Tipton Love Turbot’ have begun to disintegrate releasing their mucilaginous contents, akimbo”.

Lead lined bathing suit- not to be used in water

Mr Khan of ‘Mr Khan’s Cheap and Useless Urban Survival Equipment and Gimp Suits’, had this to say: “Fear not gentle burghers of Tipton, encompassing parts of Netherton North, but excluding Brierley Hill South, for today I have received a consignment of radiation damaged lead lined bathing suits, guaranteed to keep pesky alpha, beta and gamma particles at bay whilst the wearer is immersed in the warm, turbid and suspiciously sticky waters of ‘Crapo del Monte’.                                                                                                                                                                      

Rare sighting of the Tipton Love Turbot

A worried local environmental activist, Mr ‘Four nipples, three thumbs’, Mugumbo, has noted that the once abundant schools of Tipton Love Turbot are on the wane.  

Not all mutations are useless