Friday 25 December 2020

Christmas Akimbo!


Tis the magical time of year when all strife ceases and goodwill over flows from the chalice of human kindness. Regardless of creed or religious affiliation folk come together as one and peace reverberates through a land, fecund and verdant. No dissention is heard. Generosity is manifest and smiles are on the lips of everyone as they dance in unmitigated joy. Hark and hear the laughter of small children as they hold hands and frolic with joyous abandon.

This year the Flaxen household will partake of the simple joys of the season. Cosy chats around an oak log fire. Sensible imbibing of egg nog and other alcoholic beverages will ensue. Roasted chestnuts will keep Jack Frost at bay and mistletoe will adorn the high eaves of our humble five bedroom abode.
Choristers will sing, in harmony, at our holly bedecked door. Snow will flurry pristine white upon the land and settle in drifts after a light choreographed scurrying. No tumult: all will be tranquil, sweet accord. Mother nature in tune with Man and Mankind responds in kind- sweet sigh of unrelenting, unsurpassed bliss.   
Merry Christmas to all my gentle readers and may the New Year be bountiful and cast sweetmeats at your sublime countenance. As you have probably guessed, I have already partaken of the Christmas medication. In my dreams, ferrets are always winged. Go Shagger!

Wednesday 23 December 2020

Splaying Akimbo

Tis always good to start off with a definition of the topic under investigation, as it aids clarity of thought and purpose. And today's topic concerning the vexed issue of 'manspreading' needs all the help that can be mustered to promote, not only clarity, but comprehension.

Manspreading definition: the act or practice by a man of sitting with the legs spread wide apart (as in a public seating area) in a way that intrudes on the space of others.

Note: the definition applies solely to men, women for some reason appear to be exempt. In my mind, someone intruding onto another chair is a selfish twat, regardless of gender.

But feminists are not really concerned with the supposed issue of taking up space. They are more concerned with men ostensibly exposing their genital area as a signal of toxic masculinity. It doesn't matter if the wretch is not intruding on another's seat, the agenda is clearly centred on man bashing and a means to berate the male gender into some sort of submission. 

It will not go unnoticed that men's genital bits and pieces are external and therefore an impediment to the seated male. Therefore, we spread our legs as an act of comfort. The 'boys' hate to be constricted/restricted in a cramped domain. Only by unleashing the 'beast' within are we able to garner peace and tranquility in a world gone awry.     

A student from Brighton University, England was so moved by the 'problem of man spreading' that she found it necessary to invent a chair, so cunningly designed, that it prevents the incumbent from splaying akimbo.

The academic institution was so impressed that Mizzzz Fanny Whistle (makes a change from Mugumbo) was awarded the princely sum of £1,000. I'm not an entrepreneur, but I suspect the chair suitably fashioned with a wooden wedge is unlikely to be a commercial success. This is an instrument of torture and I want my twinkle, and the boys, to bask in the heady perfume that is freedom. They demand space to bathe and breathe in the cooling fresh air/hair. They will never be subject to tyranny and subjugation. Let my bits run free, unfettered and wild! 

I espied a photo of Mizzzzzzzz Funny Fanny, and I must admit her appearance fulfils the ugly, fat, rabid anti-man, dyke paradigm. No shit, Flaxen.

Irrespective of the above observations, the other problem I have with the 'anti-man spreading chair' is that it is supposed to represent the culmination project for a bachelor's degree. Nailing a piece of wood to a chair does not smack of cutting edge technology and hardly represents the pinnacle of academic achievement. Awarding the design with a cash prize is an insult and affront to folks who genuinely design stuff that make our everyday life a little bit easier.  Arse Bucket.

Rant over, I'm off to burn down the local 'Old Folk's Home' to assuage the beast within.   



Monday 21 December 2020

Jupiter and Saturn's Conjunction

       Artist impression of tonight's conjunction after 15 pints of best ale

Tonight will see the conjunction of the planets Jupiter and Saturn in the night sky. They will appear just a hairs breath from each other. This is the closest conjunction for 800 years. The last time, Genghis Khan and the lads were laying waste to vast regions of the known world punctuated with the occasional mound of skulls. 

For simple folk, significant planet alignments have been viewed as harbingers of bad portent. Even today, the 'Doomsday Squad' are predicting unpleasant side effects accompanying this outré cosmic phenomenon. Some enterprising souls have found the following Nostradamus quatrain strangely prescient:

'And when the flaxen haired man of the Isles (no relation) doth contend with the plague,

A bright star will appear in the West and cast a baleful light/blight upon the land.  

The peasantry will be confined to their council houses (sic),

And tarry not to the local pub and Harvester for unlimited salad and two steaks for one, Monday only (before 8pm)'. 

I'm astonished that any sane person can see any parallels with Nostradamus' scribblings and today's momentous events. Nuff said.


Thursday 3 December 2020

Special Lock Down Rules for the Black Country



WILLENHALL - You are able to fight your neighbour providing you wear a mask and social distancing rules are adhered to.

DUDLEY - Burgling homes in your local area is still permitted providing you sanitise before and after the offence. Track and trace technology must also be used.

DARLASTON - You can only visit your dealer when collecting your children from school. The dealer should wear a face visor and make sure all bags are sanitised.

WALSALL - Having sex with your sister is still permitted but you must be home before 10pm and use approved lubricant.

WOLVERHAMPTON - Vigilante groups of no more than six allowed outdoors and socially distancing between the hours of 10pm - 2am only. You must wear suitable PPE for any physical contact.

BILSTON - Prostitute services are still permitted to remain open, this is now classed as essential services for fear of the economic collapse of the town. Entry from the rear only

WEST BROM - Now declared a NO GO ZONE (in 1984), if you must travel to this area please follow all diversions, traffic cones and signals, remain in your car, do not abandon your car, masks are not required as nothing is open

WEDNESBURY - Everyone must remain at home and self isolate until manufacturers can distribute gloves with 6 fingers. Please do not go to A&E for digit removal as they are a tad busy.

TIPTON - Do as you want, even Covid wouldn’t go to TIPTON, Shithole!

Stick to these guidelines and we'll get through it together

I confess I did not pen these scurrilous lines concerning the rather distinct and endearing area in England known as the Black Country. I must thank a fellow Black Country lad, Ted Treen, for sending these latest government approved instructions to my fellow Black Country folk. Sad to say I suspect that these wise words will go unread as the literacy rate in the region, at last census, was 0.9%, while numeracy was 3 groats of a tanner. And while it is true that my writings within this blog are none too flattering to the place of my birth I must admit a certain fondness for the region and the tough, singular and self deprecating folk of the Black Country. As my granddad used to say, "Flaxen, yam a saft aypeth". 

 Translation on request