Friday 28 February 2014

Happy Birthday, Flaxen Saxon

This is a recent picy of Hendrick 'The Hamster.' I sometimes have recourse to integrating him into my personal body guard.  What he lacks in physical strength and stature he makes up in shear gnawing power. Don't be fooled by the cute demeanor.You don't want this rodent a nibbling on your colon, unless of course you are a famous actor who by virtue of the defamatory laws will remain nameless. Arse, big sore arse. By the way, that's no tail a protruding. Hendrick assures me that he is hung like a gerbil- say no more.

Today is Flaxen’s birthday. Fifty eight summers have beetled this brow and sowed silver in the spun gold of my hair. My prostate waxes mightily and constricts once patent and flexible tubes. A good day is a sustained erection and a lack of blood in the flow. A bad day is a sustained erection. Chaffs mightily against rough Jutish cloth. Viagra is not all it’s cracked up to be and there be no warning about priapism in the accompanying literature. This ditty was supposedly composed by son, Athelstan ‘The Unsteady.’  He lies like a flat fish, just like his dad. Good man my son.   

+ + + + UPDATE + + + +
Too good to waste, Dioclese got his mate ChasC to move it round a bit and set it to music. Here's the result :

Happy Birthday by ChasCMusic

It's your Birthday! (thud!) Happy Birthday! 
Doom and gloom and dark despair
People dying everywhere!
On your Birthday!  Happy Birthday!
It's your Birthday!  Happy Birthday!
May the candles on your cake
Burn like cities in your wake.
On your Birthday!  Happy Birthday!
It's your Birthday!  Happy Birthday!
Your servants steal, your wife's untrue
Your children plot to murder you
On your Birthday!  Happy Birthday! 
It's your Birthday!  Happy Birthday!
Burn the castle and storm the keep
Kill the women, but save the sheep
For your Birthday!  Happy Birthday! 
It's your Birthday! (thud!) Happy Birthday!
Birthdays come but once a year
Marking time as Death draws near
On your Birthday!  Happy Birthday! 
It's your Birthday! Happy Birthday!
Now you've aged another year
Now you know that Death is near
On your Birthday! Happy Birthday! 
It's your Birthday!  Happy Birthday! (thud!)
Now that you're the age you are
Your demise cannot be far
On your Birthday!  Happy Birthday! 
It's your Birthday! (thud!) Happy Birthday!
Black Death has just struck your town
You yourself feel quite run-down
On your Birthday! Happy Birthday! 
It's your Birthday!  Happy Birthday!
Burn, then rape by firelight
Add _romance_ to life tonight
On your Birthday!  Happy Birthday! 
It's your Birthday! (thud!) Happy Birthday!
Indigestion's what you get
From the enemies you 'et
On your Birthday! Happy Birthday!
It's your Birthday!  Happy Birthday!
We love children, yes we do
Baked or broiled or in a stew
On your Birthday! Happy Birthday! 
It's your Birthday!  Happy Birthday!
May your deeds with sword and axe
Equal those with sheep and yaks
On your Birthday!  Happy Birthday! 
It's your Birthday! (thud!) Happy Birthday!
This one lesson you must learn
First you pillage, then you burn
On your Birthday!  Happy Birthday! 
It's your Birthday! (thud!) Happy Birthday!
While you eat your birthday stew
We will loot the town for you,
On your Birthday! Happy Birthday!
It's your Birthday!  Happy Birthday!
We brought linen, white as cloud
The women sit and sew your shroud
On your Birthday! (thud!) Happy Birthday! 
It's your Birthday!  Happy Birthday!
Just be glad the friends you've got
Haven't found out you-know-what
On your Birthday! Happy Birthday! 
It's your Birthday! Happy Birthday!
I'm a leper, can't you see
Have a birthday kiss from me
On your Birthday!  Happy Birthday! 
It's your Birthday!  Happy Birthday!
It's your birthday never fear
You'll be dead this time next year
On your Birthday! Happy Birthday! 
It's your Birthday! (thud!) Happy Birthday!
So far Death you have bypassed
Don't look back, he's gaining fast
On your Birthday!  Happy Birthday! 
It's your Birthday!  Happy Birthday!
You must marry very soon
Baby's due by next full moon
On your Birthday!  Happy Birthday! 
It's your Birthday!  Happy Birthday!
When you've reached this age you know
That the mind is first to go
On your Birthday!  Happy Birthday!
It's your Birthday ! Happy Birthday!
You are very, very old
Soon you will be dead and cold
It's your Birthday  Happy Birthday. Thud. 

Thursday 27 February 2014

Arthur Askey is a Cunt

Who remembers Arthur Askey? Big hearted Arthur. Diminutive Arthur. Played a huge role in the last war defeating Hitler. Good for morale. Kept up spirits during the blitz. Strains of Vera Lynn. Pranced about the stage like a butterfly and sucked like a bee. Old theatre. Old music hall. Quite small with diminutive talent. Queen said to love him. Don’t believe all Lizzy’s proclamations. Royalty sometime lie and fart just like the rest of us. Not me, I just lie. New macrobiotic diet keeps me regular and wind free. Mendacity being my middle name and all. Actually it is Alfred. Made the transition from music hall to tele in the 60’s and 70’s. Then his legs fell orwf. Not so chirpy now me old cockney sparrow, eh? Actually from Liverpool. So not even a thieving Londoner just a thieving Scouser. Some comfort in that, I’m sure. Arthur never really recovered. Propelled himself on a skateboard. Small dogs used to pee on him at traffic lights.  Merciful release for the viewing public when he died. Not enough to put in a size 10 shoe box. Buried in the Isle of Dogo, just like the rest of the country.

Gentle readers, I will let you be the judge.

And now you know why I like to burn stuff.

Wednesday 26 February 2014

In The Great Hall: Part VII

This picy was taken some time ago when Roland briefly usurped the throne with a wandering troop of ‘New Romantics.’ He filled the Great Hall with coterie and caterwauling. Luckily my kingdom could not supply him with the right type of eye shadow, so he buggered off to Wales where they are happy to put up with this sort of thing, or so I’m told….

Flaxen had been laid prone and supine (surely an oxymoron?) upon the Great Chair in the Great Hall. As his senses returned he began to make out the uncomely, smelly and gaping visage of Cnut ‘The Dyslexic.’ Flaxen’s son, Athelstan ‘The Unsteady’ and his daughter, Hroslinda ‘Legs Akimbo’ also slowly impinged upon his rheumy eyes and dullard wits.

Flaxen (gasped): “Where is the fair Brynhildr?”

Hroslinda: “Father, we thought it prudent and in keeping with the past narrative, to cast her unto the midden pit.”

Athelstan: “Father, did my new pink breeches arrive from the haberdashers? I have sorely waited and am full of keen anticipation to feel the sequins next to my fair and turgid buttocks.”

Hroslinda: “Athelstan, why do you bother our father so with such trivial matters. Can’t you see he is pondering such weighty matters as to whom I am to be betrothed? My Lord is it King Erik, ‘Micropenis’ or King Redwald ‘The Mightily Hung.’ Tell me it is Redwald, I beseech thee!”

Cnut: “My Lord, the emissaries from Dudley are here with great offerings of pigs pudding, faggots and mushy peas.”

Flaxen: “Cnut, your breath, it would kill an anosmic at 30 paces. Have you been supping from the midden pit, once again?”

Althelstan: “Father there is something of great import which I must impart. From now on and forthwith I WISH TO BE KNOWN AS DEIRDRE.”

Before Flaxen could whisper, ‘O fuck’, he collapsed as if in a swoon……..
To be continued….    


Sunday 23 February 2014

Turn Left at Dudley Castle......

Where the fuck is Tipton? Surely the West Midlands should feature on everyone’s conception of hell. Has the cartographer never been to Dudley market on a Saturday morn? Elysian Fields may be paradise to some but my particular version of paradise featured Mandy Fields from the 5th form of Tipton Secondary Modern circa 1972. O happy days!

Saturday 22 February 2014

A Day Trip to Dudley

This is a picy of Dudley town centre. If you think this was taken after we had sacked the place then you would be wrong. Careful viewers will notice that we are just entering the city gates. Dudley always looks like this. I blame poor town planning and a lack of civic responsibility among its denizens. In fact on this occasion me and lads couldn’t actually bring ourselves to do any actual pillaging. Both my mighty swords, the shiny one and the pink one remained fully sheathed and impotent. I cleaned up some of the skulls which had overflowed into a kiddies park area. Yorick’s bonce was nowhere to be found. Alas, I didn’t know him.  Harold 'The Herald’ was on carrion duty and sat on a park bench feeding the vultures. Athelstan ‘The Unsteady’, was molested by a wandering troop of scout masters. Cnut, as usual was a sweating and still unable to spell his name correctly. Erik ‘The Eunuch’ kept bragging about his prowess in the bedroom. This is not as farfetched as it sounds as Erik, these days, is well known to sport a strap on. At the end of the day we retired to the local tavern, ‘The Felching Friar.’ I met the Friar on one occasion. This turbulent Priest suffered severely from halitosis, can’t think why. My advice: Never accept a straw from this man. We all got absolutely shit faced on mead and crème de menthe. Note to self: In future crème de menthe should be a daintily sipped from a small glass and not quaffed mightily from a quart flagon.    

Thursday 20 February 2014

Shit Names

Now I’m fairly certain the wise readers of this blog are unlikely to name their offspring Lucifer. What about Anal?  Believe it or not, New Zealand parents have actually had these names rejected by the Registrar of Births, Marriage and Deaths. The Registrar has not always been so discriminating. In 2008, twins were successfully named Benson and Hedges. Number 16 Bus Shelter is now four years old. If you was wondering: these are all boy’s names (obviously). I suspect that little Bus Shelter (as he likes to be called, these days) was named according to the locale of his conception. In part I blame the celebs. Some are clearly not part of the real world and this is often reflected in the poor name choices for their offspring. Pity poor Pilot Inspektor, Jermajesty and Sage Moonblood. I’m sure their classmates will prove kind. Home schooling may be the best option, as long as the parents are not involved in the education process. The good folk of Sweden are much more sensible. While Lego and Google have been sanctioned, Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116, pronounced Albin, was not.   

There are two interrelated points to be made here. Firstly, I’ve always believed that the State’s sole obligation to the individual is to maintain order and leave us to get on with our lives unfettered by bureaucratic interference (mayhap this principle should be applied to enlightened folk only-wad ya think?). The state should have no say in our personal life choices, regardless how ill-judged they may be- may Woden give them wisdom. Secondly, no sensible individual would argue that this principle should apply to minors. The government has a moral and legal obligation to intervene if a child is subject to physical, emotional or psychological harm. I argue that saddling a child with a ridiculous or weird name constitutes such harm. The problem, of course, is deciding when a name transcends bad taste and becomes a social burden. The registrar is expected to apply ‘common sense’ rules. Names will be rejected if they cause offense to a reasonable person or if it includes a royal name or title. Numbers and symbols are also disallowed.

In spite of their names it is my heartfelt hope that these children grow up to be well adjusted adults. I fear that parents prone to making poor name choices are also likely to make poor life choices, in general. Most of the subsequent harm inflicted upon their children is not subject to legislation and may only become apparent, to a wider society, when their kids mature, if they ever do.  

The other point I would like to make is that some people are irredeemably stupid. Celebrities are not immune to stupidity, although in their instance money compensates for so many defects in their lives, as it does in ours. Alas, there is no ordinance against stupidity. By the way, Tallulah does the Hula in Hawaii is apparently doing well. Especially since a Family Court ruled she that she be taken into court custody so that her name could be changed. Not all the judiciary are imbued with self-evident, sound common sense.    

Since you asked, my children are called Saxmund and Hroslindi. These are my legitimate offspring. As for my bastards…..


Wednesday 19 February 2014

Holiday Snaps: The Burning and Pillaging of Lindisfarne

I’m often out and about on my longboat with my murdering war band. Lately we have been targeting monasteries. Monks are really easy quarry. They never put up much of a fight, are never armed and are always willing to turn the other cheek which we smite mightily. Furthermore monasteries are a great repository for books and learning. Together with the wooden pews this all makes for a good burning. At the end of our pillage me and the lads like to line up the tonsured monks, place a red dot in the centre of their bald pate and then throw darts to see who can hit the spot. Harold ‘The Herald’ is very adept and is usually the first to reach one hundred and eighty. I usually get bored and crush the monk’s heads with a handy sceptre. We often stop off for a bit of light refreshment at the local kebab shop. Costas at Lindisfarne sells great wild boar kebabs and the daintiest of pastries. An absolute steal for 3 groats because we never pay. We usually finish off by burning the place down together with the local real estate agent- there goes the neighbourhood.   

The picture: This one was taken just after a brisk discussion with Asmund ‘The Monk.’ I argued that he would be better off writing his books in West Saxon runes rather than Latin which has been a dead language for nearly 400 years. We agreed to disagree and I terminated our discussion by introducing Asmund to my double headed Danish war axe, ‘Twat Cruncher’. Oh we did laugh! Note to self- must buy moustache wax.              

Sunday 16 February 2014

Happy Birthday Galileo!

Galileo is 450 years old today. Doesn't look too shabby for an old fart. Good man that Galileo.

Friday 14 February 2014

Flaxen Saxon’s Sensible Shit: Part I

There was a recent televised debate between Bill Nye, ‘The Science Guy’ and Ken Ham the proprietor of the Creation Museum in Kentucky (nuff said). Intriguingly they both have engineering degrees, however this is where the similarities end. Bill Nye, as you might infer from his title, is a rational scientist and believer in the theory of evolution. Ken Ham is a bible literalist and fervently believes that the earth was created 6000 years ago by the hand of God. He also sincerely believes that Adam and Eve actually existed and that there was a universal deluge and Noah and family were saved due to God’s providence.

Nye and Ham are both experienced communicators. Each was allowed an initial five minutes to outline their respective views followed by a more in depth exposition of 30 minutes. Questions inevitably followed. Ham’s views are probably out there on the fringe and not endorsed by most Christians in the West, outside America. The advance of science has left its mark on theological thought, not only among sophisticated theologians, but also on many ‘simple believers.’  

There are those in the scientific fraternity who think that debate with the fundamentalists is pointless. There is no use arguing with those so steeped in religious dogma that they are no longer able to perceive established scientific evidence, in spite of all the empirical data.

So what is the point? Well the point is, as long as the fundamentalists remain the lunatic fringe with no impact on our lives, then there is no point; enlightened folk can snicker on the side-lines. The point becomes a problem when the lunatics break out of the asylum and start impinging their views on the sane. In the civilised West this shouldn’t be a problem and frankly it is not except in the United States. This most powerful of nations is a mass of contradictions, especially when it comes to science and religion. Suffice to say that religion, science and politics are a complex and volatile mix. The fundamentalists want ‘Creation Science’ taught on the biology curriculum as a valid alternative to evolution. Now you could argue that ‘Creation Science’ has a place on the religious curriculum. Placing the word science after another word doesn’t make it so and theology has no place on any science curriculum, but the creationist voice is a strident one and has serious political backing, especially in the southern states.

At last scientists in the US are starting to realise that they must engage the creationists not only in the classroom, but in the political arena, and indeed any arena which counts. This is not about changing the minds of the fundamentalists, this will never happen. It is about influencing legislature and more importantly the wider viewing public. Let us be clear. This is really important as it will affect education and minds of the young. This is definitely worth fighting for, don’t you think?   
Anyway, the respective views can be summed up by the answer to a question put to both Nye and Ham at the end of the debate: “What would it take for you to change your mind?”
Ham: “Nothing.”
Nye: “Evidence,”

This sums up the fundamental difference between theology and the scientific method and this is why theology should remain, just that.  

Thursday 13 February 2014

In the Great Hall: Part: VI

A time for celebration! Today, is a great day for twas this day 5 years ago that the Jutes were soundly beaten at the ‘Battle of the Midden Pit.’ Hurrah!

Flaxen sat in his Great Chair in the Great Hall deep in his cups. His retinue, thegns, carls and assorted saucy wenches made merry and sang and danced and quaffed deep of the free flowing mead and ale. Flaxen had fought with honour that fateful day when he flailed his mighty double headed Dane axe, ‘Twat Cruncher’ in one hand and wielded his fine honed seacx, ‘Arse, Big Fat Arse, Biter’ in the other. Many a Jute had had their twat crunched and arse bitten that day. Flaxen’s son, Athelstan ‘The Unsteady’ had fought next to his father and had lost a false eyelash and pink enamel had been chipped off his breastplate after a fierce encounter with the transvestite bodyguard to the Jutish King, Olaf ‘The Rectal Raider.’ Olaf escaped that day only to be buggered, unto death, days later, by a wandering troop of effeminate Danes. The minstrels sang of Olaf in the great saga: ‘Olaf Lived and Died by the Pink Sword.’ Although, in truth, it was never a popular refrain amongst the West Jutes. Of course, the East Jutes did revel in the saucy ballad, but the telling of this story will have to await a more propitious time. 

It was whispered on the wind that Olaf’s only extant son, Gerhard ‘The Not Very Likely’ would feign a peace accord with the Tipton Saxons in order to make war on their mutual and much despised enemy, the Netherton Saxons. Flaxen brooded. Indeed, the West Midland metropolitan area was beset with intrigue, chavs, murderous vagabond rogues, East Europeans and the feckless unemployed. If Flaxen made concord with the Jutes he would risk a breach with the Angles of the march. There was much to ponder. Flaxen’s head began to spin with intoxication born of excessive drinking. His vision dimmed and his reverie was curtailed by the vision of Brunhildr. But this was no phantasm. The raspberry jelly bejewelled breast of Brynhildr stood within a licking. For it was she. And let us be frank, the area for a licking was vast. Before Flaxen could whisper, ‘O fuck’, he collapsed as if in a swoon……..
To be continued….    

Tuesday 11 February 2014

Flaxen Saxon's Cosmology Special

Often as I leave ‘Costas Kebab Emporium’ in Tipton High Street, on a Friday night, I’m berated by late night revellers about the deep imponderable and ineffable mysteries of the cosmos. Usually I mumble incoherently about a dark, indifferent and insentient universe before falling face down in the gutter besmirched with mild, but tangy, chilli sauce. Therefore, suitably inspired and fortified by an abiding curiosity tinged with cosmic awe and 8 pints of Bank’s bitter, I am about to embark on Flaxen Saxon’s Cosmology Special………

Dear Flaxen Saxon, Why is it that we are able to fly men to the moon and send deep space probes to the outer reaches of the Solar System but I have to wait 75 minutes for the number 127 bus to Dudley Zoo? Furthermore, at every other stop, the Ukrainian bus driver is upbraided by little old Polish ladies about the cost of the fare. Bewailing the fact that the fare used to be only 3 Kopeks and the wheat hereabouts used to grow 6 foot tall, until the Germans came……
Mrs Gorlinski-Mugumbo

Dear Mrs Gorlinski-Mugumbo, If we are to learn anything from Einstein’s theory of special relativity it is that the speed of light is a constant, irrespective of our relative motion or position. However, as predicted by Einstein’s famous theorem, mass and time dilation increase as we approach this speed. Therefore, to reduce your wait, at the bus stop, you are advised to travel at least 90% of the speed of light. However, you need to be aware that your mass will also increase by times 2.3; you fat arsed cow. Also, due to concomitant time compression, and new government regulations with regard to the state pension, you will have to wait another 150 years before you can retire, unless of course you are Romanian.     

For Reference: 1 Kopeck is equivalent to 5 billion Rhodesian dollars.

Dear Flaxen Saxon, Is it true that the Crab Nebula is the remnant of a supernova observed in 1054AD, without the aid of a telescope, in the constellation of Taurus? 
Mrs Itchytwat

Dear Mrs Itchytwat, I had crabs in my black hole’s event horizon once- itches like fuck, doesn’t it? Try one part paraffin, one part DDT.

Dear Flaxen Saxon, How come every time I fart a big pink bubble extrudes from my arse. It reminds me of the expansion of the early universe following the ‘big bang’ some 14 billion years ago. The brown swirly bits on the outside of the bubble are reminiscent of the nascent galaxies which formed within the first few billion years of the universe’s origin. I wonder whether the universe could have been similarly born of a black, although slightly puckered, hole.  How can I return to those halcyon days when all I had to worry about, when I farted, was the faint possibility of a little residual moistness? 
Mr Tightsphincter

Dear Mr Tightsphincter, Stop swallowing your bubble gum.

Dear Flaxen Saxon, Do we live in an infinite universe or a universe subscribed by limits? If the universe is finite what is its geometry, what are Quasars and finally what do astronauts call haemorrhoids in space? 
Mr  Nogirlfriend,

Dear Mr Nogirlfriend, To answer your questions in sequential order: I don’t know; I don’t know; I don’t know; Quasars are a tasty wheaty snack which we can all enjoy and lastly, arseteroids.

Flaxen Saxon leaves the last word, at least with regard to the universe, to the late, great, Douglas Adams.

‘There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened’.

Saturday 8 February 2014

Holiday snaps: The Dunkirk Excursion

This was taken on the beach just outside Dunkirk. In truth, I wasn't really on holiday as we’d just sacked and burnt the town to the ground. Pillaging and rapine is not the giggle it used to be. I swear these town’s people are catching on to us murdering reivers and moving all their valuables together with their fairest maidens out of town. I ask, is that sporting of them, or what? Imagine my chagrin when I was accosted by some petty civil servant upon entering the gates. He had the temerity to ask if I had a ‘permit of entry’. Where is the civility in that? I explained, with some justification, that my double headed, Danish, war axe, 'Twat Cruncher' was my permit to do exactly what I liked. But it is no good arguing with ‘jobs worth’ niggling officials, so I lopped off his ill-favoured bonce, thus lightening his bureaucratic load. Oh, we did laugh! It now has pride of place on the great wall of the great hall and serves the practical need of keeping the flies off the wattle and daub. Any ichor that draineth and drippeth is promptly lapped up by my faithful wolf, Eingar. ‘Good boy, Eingar.’  

And before you ask, I'm the pretty boy in the full faced helm.

Friday 7 February 2014

Outside the Great Hall: Part V

Flaxen sat majestically and completely pissed upon his great chair outside the great hall. The retinue clustered around the midden pit which was brimming with raspberry jelly. Standing in front of Flaxen stood Brynhildr and Edith, both naked and lightly smeared with the finest scented lard. In order to test their love for Flaxen the fair maids had agreed to a jelly wrestling contest in the midden pit.  Harold the Herald was acting as commentator and referee in this 3 minute bout, 8 round, grudge match.

Harold: “Ladies and gentlemen, in the squalid corner we have the fair Brynhildr weighing in as a 42 inch D cup. In the rank corner we have the elegant Edith ‘Swan Neck’ sporting a modest 32 inch B cup. Ladies, I want a clean match. No nipple tweaking, twat munching, arse fisting and definitely no twerking.”

The match began, as predicted, with a strong spirited start from Brynhildr. A blinding flick of her golden tresses was followed up with a stinging face slap from her ample and pendulous bosom. Edith reeled under the onslaught but recovered strongly, retrieved her hat pin, and plunged it deep into Brynhildr’s vitals. Brynhildr screamed, gasped and fell lifeless into the jelly where she was consumed and sank without a trace, never to be seen again, possibly.

Flaxen: “Fuck, is that it? I paid 50 groats to organise this match and it is all over in a thrice.”

Harold: “My Lord, we still have the leper shaking, dwarf stretching and topless darts to come.”

Flaxen: “Bring on the lepers. And this time I want them weighed before and after the shaking.”

To be continued……..


Wednesday 5 February 2014

And the Moral of this Tale is?

My old granddad was a strange old bloke. Very stiff and Victorian. He was in the Great War and fought at the Somme. He never spoke to me as a child except on one occasion. I was about twelve and he had come back from the pub and was very pissed. He winked at me and said in his broad black country dialect: ‘Would you like to see something?’ Fuck off, it was a long time ago and essentially I’m middle class these days. I’ve had to suppress my accent because, no bugger can understand what I’m saying and folk associate my indigenous accent with being dim. Perhaps sometime my accent becomes thick to be a tune with my audience. Being of a naturally inquisitive nature I nodded yes. He took me to the back room and opened a drawer to an old mahogany desk. He rummaged briefly in the drawer and withdrew a string containing a series of oddly shrivelled objects. He smiled. ‘Can you guess what this is?’  I looked on in wonder and said ‘no’. ‘They be ears’, he slurred. ‘What sort of ears granddad’, I gasped. ‘Well ones over here are taken from the Hun and these are Frenchy.’ It seems my wicked old grandpa had been taking a few souvenirs from the battlefield. Interestingly there was a total of 23 ears: 2 taken from the devilish Hun, the rest from Frenchy. At the time it didn’t strike me as odd that there were more French ears than German. My grasp of history, at the time, was poor. Years passed and old gramps drops dead. The old sod left absolutely bugger all, except to me. He bequeathed to me an old wooden box. When I returned from the funeral I took the box into my bedroom. I have to admit I had an idea what might lie within. With trembling hands I opened the box. Inside, in all their gristly glory was grampa’s ear collection. It did cross my mind to chuck them in the bin, but I didn’t, I suppose I was oddly fascinated with the grisly relics and flattered that my grampa had decided to leave them to me. So I put them in the drawer. Years passed and like most folk I married and had kids. I came home one night from the local pub after drinking more than my two livers could handle and possessed with a morbid fascination decided to examine the ear collection (gramps would have been proud). I suppose they had changed little over the years. They had taken on a dark, amber hue and had coiled in on themselves and could no longer be recognised as ears. I fell asleep in bed with the ears loosely clenched in my drunken mitt. I awoke bleary eyed, sore headed and peeked gently over the covers to see my infant son sitting on the bed. Slowly as my eyes focussed I noticed that he had the ear collection in his tiny pudgy hands. One of the ears was firmly placed in his mouth and he was biting down with obvious relish. Of course he was teething, bless him, and I think he was deriving comfort from a French ear. After depositing my son on the bed my wife had left the room and didn’t see what had happened- which was just as well as she would not have been amused. Moral of the story: The French make third rate soldiers but first class teething rings.    

Oh No, it’s Whitiwhangi Day!

Happy Whitiwhangi day! For you dozy benighted Pomms, Whitiwhangi day (6th February) is New Zealand’s National Day. It celebrates the signing of a solemn treaty between the ‘British Colonial Governor of Her Majesty’s Government’ and the Maori in 1847. As a slight digression I would like to introduce the less educated amongst you to the noble race which is Maori. Ethnologists are of the opinion that the first Maoris arrived in New Zealand as Asylum Seekers sometime in the Middle Ages. They found a bountiful land colonised by a peaceful and equally noble race, called the Moriori. Mutual respect was only marred by the fact that the Maori had an irrepressible appetite for human flesh. As it was against their culture and religious custom to eat their own, they decided to eat the indigenous people. In very short order they had porked their way through this fair people and moved on to eat all the large birds, mammals and frogs. Today, the only indigenous creature left in New Zealand is a highly camouflaged, fast moving and slightly tasteless marsupial, known in the Maori language as ‘donttastlikeKFC,ehbro.’

To return to our Solemn National Day. It is reputed that the Governor of 1847, Sir Effingham-Peffingham was suffering from syphilitic ague prior to and up to the signing of the treaty. Some say he deviated from standard British Colonial Policy, of the time. Usually, British Army drill was to send the local chocos off to an early grave, and at double time too. Of course, when faced with the local duskies waving fruit and sharpened sticks the best response was always to ‘fire a volley’ and finish off the wounded, and less fleet of foot, with the bayonet.

Unfortunately for the Empire, Sir E was suffering from delirium tremens on the day of the signing. For his entertainment, the local Maori Warriors performed their formidable war dance, ‘The Haka.’ The stout warriors, all painted and covered in feathers, reminded the Governor, in his delirium, of the Nelson Rep chorus line. After all, the Governor was notoriously short sighted and thick.

The treaty was duly signed by the Governor and the Tribal Leaders. Luckily the Maoris could not read or write English. The clause they failed to notice (stupid Maoris), was the bit about allowing White Folk, known in Maori as Pakiha to shoot any Maori on sight on Whitiwhangi day, as long as it was before noon. Good man that Governor.

As usual, I celebrated ‘Whitiwhangi Eve’ with four bottles of medicinal red wine (as is the custom) and awoke next morning feeling like a Frenchman’s crotch. After retching up over the dog I noticed that it was 11.50am. I panicked somewhat as I didn’t want to miss the opportunity to legally shoot someone. So without further ado, and without getting dressed, I reached for my father’s trusty 303 Lee Enfield rifle. The same weapon he had used to shoot unarmed German prisoners at the battle of El Alamein. Shortly after this incident my father’s contribution to the war effort was permanently curtailed due to wounds inflicted during a brisk encounter with the renowned, and much feared, SS SeamStress division. These Valkyries could sow SS runic insignia, in silver thread, on your epaulet in under 20 minutes and double stitch at that; fucking amazing! During the battle my father received a puncture wound to the arse from a rusty bodkin. The infection rapidly spread to his cock and as a consequence he spent 6 months in a Venereal Disease hospital in Blighty. The word around the camp fire, at the time, was that my father had caught the infection after an intoxicated and ill-judged liaison with a wild, desert, she goat; absolute nonsense. It is well known that you can catch this sort of thing from toilet seats and dirty sewing baskets.

With shaking hands I slammed a fresh magazine into the Lee Enfield and rushed onto the porch. Luckily for me I saw a Maori in the adjacent field not a 100 paces away. I raised the musket to my shoulder, took careful aim and slowly squeezed the trigger and was promptly rewarded to see my quarry spiral to the ground. I rushed inside for my trusty scalping knife and bounded over to the fallen Maori to gather my well-deserved trophy. Imagine my disgust when I realised that I hadn’t shot a Maori after all but shot my Dutch neighbour, Mr Neils Van der Pump. In mitigation, I have to say that his Indonesian wife had been standing close by and she does look a little bit Maori. I did consider shooting her as well and could hardly miss from two paces. But I suppose I’m a sentimental old fool and it didn’t seem quite right to shoot her under the circumstances, as her husband had suddenly took quite poorly. I did offer to apply a tourniquet to the wound on his neck, but neither of them seemed too keen on the idea. So I left her to administer first aid and retreated back to my bed to sleep off the previous night’s excess. I had hardly fallen asleep when I was rudely awakened by the local plod. Thereafter all is a blur. I remained in custody for several months prior to trial. Poor Mrs Saxon had to work 20 hours a day to keep the farm afloat. She did contact my flaxen haired cunt of a son to ask for help. But he was too busy finding ‘spiritual enlightenment’ on a commune in Perth, Western Australia. Spiritual enlightenment, my arse! From what I can see he spends his days banging small breasted Asian ladies, sometimes two at a time (nice work if you can get it), and judging from the photos some of the ‘ladies’ aren’t real woman at all.

I finally had my day in court. I must admit I raised a spirited defence. However, things looked bleak after the prosecution’s final summing up: “Your Honour, I submit that Mr Saxon is a demented, chronic alcoholic with a tenuous grasp on reality. It is recorded your Honour, that after a particularly heavy and prolonged drinking bout, he thought he had turned into a canister of ‘Shake N Vac’ (Alpine Dew) and was found by his wife rolling naked on the carpet shouting: ‘I am fragrant, suck me off with the vacuum.’ I rest my case your Honour.” But bugger me if I didn’t have a stroke of luck. Poor Mr Van der Pump had lost the power of speech after my ill-fated shot had destroyed his larynx. This same lucky bullet had also divided nerves in his spinal cord and consequently he was paralysed from the nose down. The upshot of course was that he was unable to provide a verbal or written deposition; in other words, a piss poor witness. The case against me rested on the sole testament of his Indonesian wife. This poor cow couldn’t speak a word of English and her Court appointed interpreter had just been deported as an illegal alien. The outcome was not in question, and I was promptly, and deservedly, found innocent and freed.

I confess that after this encounter with the law, I am truly a wiser but not a sober man. Although, I have to say I can’t wait for Mr Van der Pump’s children to grow up so I can shoot them on Whitiwhangi Day, before noon. After all, they do look a little like Maoris……..              

Sunday 2 February 2014

This is what happens when I stop taking the meds

A psychiatrist writes: Mr Saxon has many deep and unresolved issues
stemming from a highly dysfunctional childhood and early family life.
His psychological tumult finds expression in his brooding and
nihilistic prose and poetry. This offers but a temporary respite and
can no way lead to a permanent resolution of Mr Saxon’s deep seated
and profound psychological problems.

A Flaxen Saxon replies: Fuck off Dr Fell. You only see the portion of
my psyche which I deign to reveal.

Now for more pretentious, self-indulgent and cathartic poetry. If you aint slashing your wrists after this one, then you are already dead.
Night and day become as one,
Unrestrained grey, endlessly trudges on.
Scant sense, no pleasure, no pain,
Humdrum certainty in a coarse domain.
 Murky shallows, indifferent response,
Ill defined colours of no consequence.
Toneless flows of clammy pallor,
Clumsy devices of scant veneer.
Boundless detachment and callous regard,
Pitiful retort and emotional retard.
Wilted riposte to arguments feeble,
All is damned, all is ignoble.
This day was like the last,
Stretching tedium into infinite past.
The future is but the same,
Quietly driven calmly insane.
Lengthening shadows on a windswept shore,
No sense of time in a place which is amoral.
Pity the life that remains restrained,
Pity the life that is all but drained.
Dragged slowly into eternal sloth,
On a lamed charger decked in a ragged cloth.
Limpid stance in an entropic domain,
A fool to the end and fools remain.