Friday, 8 May 2015

Mr Vowel's Demise

Artist's impression of ferret in a barrel

Terrible news from the picturesque Alpine Spa town of Tipton. Sadly the incumbent Mayor, Mr Enoch Vowel, died suddenly during a fact finding mission to Thailand. Initial reports suggest he suffered a massive heart attack during an important meeting with local prostitutes. Unfortunately, the prostitutes in attendance were unable to revive/raise the exalted mayor, although they tried, long time; apparently he had a happy ending. No ping pong balls were damaged or lost during the tragedy.

Mr Vowel’s body will be embalmed in a barrel of Bank’s bitter and returned on a slow boat, via China, up the Manchester canal, turning left at Dudley before finally alighting at Tipton Wharf. Local dignitaries are expected to meet the barrel and roll it in solemn procession up Tipton High Street. The local paramilitary will ensure that the street is thronged with ill wishers and professional mourners. After lying in a state, Mr Vowel will be incarcerated before being incinerated at the local power station. The ashes will then be unceremoniously shot into space on the ‘Tipton Space Probe’. Professor Tosspot Mugumbo, spokesman for the Aeronautical Rocket Space Enterprise (ARSE), vocalised airily: "Mr Vowel's ashes will be sent soaring, by rocket, as soon as we find a bottle big enough and some matches that haven't been pissed on by Shagger, the ferret. It is hoped that Mr Vowel's ashes will be scattered in the constellation of Orion or the local cess pit, depending on trajectory".         

Mr Vowel has had a career spanning many expense accounts and will be sorely missed by his cronies and assorted hangers on. Mrs Fanny Akimbo, Mr Vowel’s life-long secretary and buttressed mattress reminisced, between swigs of babysham, as follows: "Ficking bastid has left me high and dry, stitched up like a beached bloater and bereft of purpose" . (mixed metaphor edition).

In remembrance, Mr Khan of 'Mr Khan's cheap and tacky memorials', has commissioned a plastic memento to commiserate/celebrate the event. It will consist of a plastic Mr Vowel, 'en rampant', standing next to a plastic barrel full of cheap cologne. A beautiful addition to any mantel piece or toilet bowl. Mr Khan counsels placing an early order before the police move in and confiscate.     

Plastic rendition of Mr Vowel as found at time of death and barrel 

Mr Vowel’s son, ‘Baby Doc' Vowel, will be democratically elected as ‘Mayor of Tipton’, next week. 

'Baby Doc' and his delightful family

A life-long Tipton resident, Mr Poncy-Arse (arse) Mugumbo, has penned a poem in remembrance of this momentous event........"Take it away, Mr Mugumbo".

The Funeral Party

White is his features,
Cold is his fingers,
Lying in a box in funeral attire dressed.

Gone is the laughter,
Here is the sadness,
Offer condolence to a widow distressed.

Bear the man slowly,
Lift the man gently,
Take him to a place where he may rest.

Short was his passing,
Long is his resting,
Sing out his praises and tell it in jest.

Warm to his memory,
Mention him fondly,
And say all this about a man you detest.

1 comment:

  1. "...Mr Vowel’s body will be embalmed in a barrel of Bank’s bitter..."

    And in the interests of ensuring purity, might the aforementioned barrel of Banks's Bitter be filtered first?

    And might I volunteer my kidneys to do the filtering?