Thursday, 11 September 2014

Identity of the Infamous 'Tipton Slasher' Revealed

Chief Inspector 'Shagger' of the yard

In 1888, the metropolitan borough of Tipton was terrorised by a mysterious predator who stalked the good burghers in the dead of night and sowed terror and disconsolation wherever his dreaded tread did tread. Drunks only dared to stir during the hours of late afternoon, as usual.

The 'Slasher' was never apprehended and the identity of the miscreant has forever remained shrouded in the mists of time, until now. New DNA evidence from a discarded 100 year old kebab has finally solved this century old conundrum.

From the Tipton police archives:
The investigating officer of the time, Chief Inspector, 'Shagger' of the yard, relates his story in his own words:

"On the Monday of the 31st February, 1888 at approximately 9.52pm, I was proceeding in a south easterly direction down West Tipton Street. I had occasion to be accosted by a certain 'lady of the night', known colloquially/locally as 'Two Gilda Hilda'. She was of an agitated and animated disposition and regaled me with a story concerning a gentlemen whom I later believed to be none other than the infamous 'Tipton Slasher'. It transpired that said gentleman had promised the tariff of 'One tasty lamb kebab with sweet chilli sauce' from Mr Khan's Quick Kebab Kebabemporium for certain services coital in nature. However, once spent, it transpired that the alleged 'Tipton Slasher' reneged on said contract and consumed half of the kebab for himself. Once satiated he placed said partially consumed comestible on the cobblestones. Whereupon I placed said sweetmeat in a greaseproof bag to await more propitious future times when DNA technology had been invented, when time travel will be commonplace, and even the working man will wear bowler hats and spats.  Big fat, Arrrrrrrrse........"

Molly circa 1888

A direct descendent of 'Shagger' of the yard, Mr Neoprene MacMugumbio has finally solved this deep and dank historical mystery. DNA extracted from the partially eaten kebab has unequivocally unearthed the identity of the true 'Tipton Slasher'. It is none other than 'Molly the Lamb' who frolicked in these parts circa 1888.

So the riddle of the 'Tipton Slasher' has been finally laid to rest and a century old perplexity is no more.

                                          Tipton residents can sleep well, tonight.       

Meet the real 'Tipton Slasher'

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