Wednesday, 12 November 2014

The Tipton Journal of Intellectual Research

Tip. J. Int. Res: 52 (3) 102-104. 2014

A systematic approach to assess the impact of non-standard names on intelligence quotients (IQ): A retrospective study

Dr Saxon, F. and Prof Mugumbo, L. Tipton Institute of Difficult Shit and Stuff, UK.

Intellectual disability (fuckwittus maximus) is characterised by significant limitations in both intellectual functioning and learning profiles (FM). The aetiology of FM is often unknown, although genetic and compounding environmental factors have been implicated. Anecdotal evidence suggests that there is a positive correlation between non-standard names and mental retardation (spakkers). We suggest a systematic formalisation of non-standard names (actually this was Mugumbos' idea, I couldn't be aaarrrssed) and using retrospective data culled from the Tipton census (1900 to 2013 inclusive) we attempt to provide data to support the null hypothesis: shit names =  thick folk.

Research into this valuable area has often been hampered by the lack of a systematic and widely accepted definition of non-standard names. For our purposes a non-standard, or shit name, is one which incites lip curling derision in any reasonable research professor. We acknowledge that names that were once considered 'piss poor' have now entered main stream status (eg Wayne and Sharon- call me Shazza), nonetheless, anyone with an ounce of taste would still consider the recipients of such names as below contempt. Having established a formal definition it is necessary to delineate the research population under consideration. The Tipton census (c 1900-2013) was plundered for succulent data. Cohorts were established according to decade. One hundred randomly picked names were assigned to two discrete categories: 1. Nice middle class names which you would be happy to assign to the fruit of your loins; 2. Be woeful appendages that you would not call your pet hamster (or ferret). The names Kevin and Tracy were excluded from the study based on arbitrary taste.     

The data was subject to a non-parametric meta analysis.


Fig. 1

The data shows a clear statistical and valid correlation between fucking diabolical first names and intellectual deficit. Of particular note, the following names were associated with profound intellectual retardation: Paris, Devon, Tipton and Brittany. In fact any name associated with a piece of real estate automatically rendered the owner as 'brain fucked'. Likewise, any name that really should have been a last name, showed similar 'tardation tendencies. For instance, Lucas, Spencer, Evan and anything starting with Mac should have been strangled at birth.

Our study unequivocally supports the contention that shit names are positively correlated with  low IQs and frank intellectual deficit. Furthermore, individuals called Flint, Loshandra and Donatello are more likely to end up in a correctional institution or a home for the terminally befuddled than someone called Frank or Emma. In conclusion: Anyone with a non-standard first name should be sequestered at birth and quietly smothered. Their parents should be imbued with the illusion that their offspring (for it is they) have been taken orf by a wandering band of Spanish gypos and are fated to dance the flamenco for an eternity......

Potential Future Studies
It has not gone unnoticed by the authors that this trait may have a genetic component. Therefore, it is suggested that further studies be directed at measuring parental IQs in order to establish whether there is a hereditary component to this phenomenon. It is strongly suspected that 'arse brain' is inherited as an autosomal codominant factor. Although maternal/paternal uniparental disomy cannot be ruled out.

This study was carried out under the auspices and funded by the charity for the 'fucked up' and after advisement from Professor Kath Lissenden.            

          References and Citations
Available on request

Prof. Lighthouse Mugumbo in repose



  1. Data show (plural) - Datum (singular). I am surprised at such a learned person displaying such low grammatical standards...

    1. Mr D- I am only following standard practice in this regard. In fact if you study my estemed article you will note that the datum sets are plural. Arse bucket akimbo.

    2. Nice try...but the mouthwash ain't making it ;-)

  2. I would dearly love you and professor Mugumbo to give me your professional opinion on my grandson's name.
    My daughter and I had quite a falling out over it when she told me of her and her partners intention.
    My daughter is a relatively intelligent individual although she has inherited some stupidity from her mother, this latent inherent stupidity recently showed it's self in the form of the selection for aforementioned grandson's name.
    I as her mother and a mildly Victorian NOT hip and NOT with it lady of a certain age said to her "you CAN NOT call a fucking grandson of mine that ludicrous name he will grow up to be a fuckwit" her response "MOTHER...... your sooo old fashioned and anyway my fucking baby my fucking choice"
    It actually led to a small falling out, and my announcement that henceforth child would be called Sponge Bob (this I said just to annoy to be quite frank).
    Over the months I have become increasingly concerned that my daughter has disadvantaged her child, my grandson with their choice of name, and am interested in your professional opinion.
    Whilst I realise you are not running a clare rayner problem page I hope my level of concern will be adequate that you can advise me.
    The dreaded name she and her partner chose for my poor little grandson Calvin...Bloody Calvin I ask you what sort of life will the poor little soul have.
    Please can you tell me has my daughter and her partner consigned my grandson to the rubbish tip of fuckwittedness for eternity.
    Or will my insisting on calling him Charles (a perfectly decent and serviceable name) save him from a fate worse than death and a life time possibly only working on a cash register at GAP

    1. Oi. No!!!!!!!
      Take it from me that a lifetime of being named after the jug twat heir to the throne is a fate worse than death. Honesty, I'd rather be called Calvin

    2. chas thank you for your input, my brother is called Charles also :D

    3. I feel for the poor sod!

  3. P.S Thank you for the mention I was only too happy to advertise such important and worthwhile research. This investigation into a corrolation between stupid names and fuckwittedness is vital in our furtherment of understanding stupid people.

    1. Thank the Lord it wasn't Dwayne, Brooklyn, or something similar:- I had a childhood friend of that name back in the late 1950's, so it's not one of those ghastly modern contrived names.

      Besides, all he needs is a stuffed tiger - named "Hobbes" - and he can then be named after one of my heroes...

      See for more details)...

    2. As always Ted you have managed to make me feel oodles better with your comments thank you.
      I shall now feel proud to call my Grandson Calvin and will knock on the head the sponge bob title. :D

  4. Since my first name is "Edward", and I immediately compare myself to those other "Eds", - namely, Millipede and 'Talking' Balls, I am horrified to think there's even a small likelihood that I could have in any way a similar level of fuckwittery...

    Please God, let it not be so...

    1. PS

      Prof. Lighthouse Mugumbo looks so much like Neil Kinnock, doesn't he..?

    2. You could never be a fuckwit Ted, anyway you're not Ed your Ted.
      Your are far to sensible and practical to even align yourself in the same sentence as the half wit millipede. So fear not.

  5. What's wrong with 'Charles?' Were we not all Charlies a couple of weeks ago.
    'Oswald Blettisloe Hattersley Thake.'

  6. Fair point Oswald. I like your name, O dweller in the east wood.