The Tipton Journal of Intellectual Research

Tip. J. Int. Res: 52 (3) 102-104. 2014

A systematic approach to assess the impact of non-standard names on intelligence quotients (IQ): A retrospective study

Dr Saxon, F. and Prof Mugumbo, L. Tipton Institute of Difficult Shit and Stuff, UK.

Introduction

Intellectual disability (fuckwittus maximus) is characterised by significant limitations in both intellectual functioning and learning profiles (FM). The aetiology of FM is often unknown, although genetic and compounding environmental factors have been implicated. Anecdotal evidence suggests that there is a positive correlation between non-standard names and mental retardation (spakkers). We suggest a systematic formalisation of non-standard names (actually this was Mugumbos' idea, I couldn't be aaarrrssed) and using retrospective data culled from the Tipton census (1900 to 2013 inclusive) we attempt to provide data to support the null hypothesis: shit names =  thick folk.

Methodology 

Research into this valuable area has often been hampered by the lack of a systematic and widely accepted definition of non-standard names. For our purposes a non-standard, or shit name, is one which incites lip curling derision in any reasonable research professor. We acknowledge that names that were once considered 'piss poor' have now entered main stream status (eg Wayne and Sharon- call me Shazza), nonetheless, anyone with an ounce of taste would still consider the recipients of such names as below contempt. Having established a formal definition it is necessary to delineate the research population under consideration. The Tipton census (c 1900-2013) was plundered for succulent data. Cohorts were established according to decade. One hundred randomly picked names were assigned to two discrete categories: 1. Nice middle class names which you would be happy to assign to the fruit of your loins; 2. Be woeful appendages that you would not call your pet hamster (or ferret). The names Kevin and Tracy were excluded from the study based on arbitrary taste.     

The data was subject to a non-parametric meta analysis.

Results

Fig. 1

The data shows a clear statistical and valid correlation between fucking diabolical first names and intellectual deficit. Of particular note, the following names were associated with profound intellectual retardation: Paris, Devon, Tipton and Brittany. In fact any name associated with a piece of real estate automatically rendered the owner as 'brain fucked'. Likewise, any name that really should have been a last name, showed similar 'tardation tendencies. For instance, Lucas, Spencer, Evan and anything starting with Mac should have been strangled at birth.

Discussion

Our study unequivocally supports the contention that shit names are positively correlated with  low IQs and frank intellectual deficit. Furthermore, individuals called Flint, Loshandra and Donatello are more likely to end up in a correctional institution or a home for the terminally befuddled than someone called Frank or Emma. In conclusion: Anyone with a non-standard first name should be sequestered at birth and quietly smothered. Their parents should be imbued with the illusion that their offspring (for it is they) have been taken orf by a wandering band of Spanish gypos and are fated to dance the flamenco for an eternity......

Potential Future Studies

It has not gone unnoticed by the authors that this trait may have a genetic component. Therefore, it is suggested that further studies be directed at measuring parental IQs in order to establish whether there is a hereditary component to this phenomenon. It is strongly suspected that 'arse brain' is inherited as an autosomal codominant factor. Although maternal/paternal uniparental disomy cannot be ruled out.

This study was carried out under the auspices and funded by the charity for the 'fucked up' and after advisement from Professor Kath Lissenden.            

          References and Citations

Available on request

Prof. Lighthouse Mugumbo in repose