Sunday, 30 August 2015

Flaxen's mug shots of doom....Arse

Frankly I'm bored and couldn't be bothered to come up with an erudite post. So you will have to put up with my sad musings and stuff garnered from today's trawl of the Internet for casual amusement. Today's offering is a collection of mug shots. I did a similar post some time ago and for the same reason. Strange that folk who manage to get arrested often have problems in other areas of life and are prone to poor life choices in general. When the Lord taketh away, he does so, with a spade.......   


This is pure supposition on my part, but I reckon this fella was arrested on drug charges- Crystal meth, anyone?
Who you looking at?

I'm guessing that this man does not have gainful employment. Put it down to my psychic abilities. I'm channelling a life spent mostly in gaol for this gentleman.   
Face that launched a thousand arrests 

A woman of colour. Are we allowed to say that? Is negro the new black? Anyway, this negro lady is also an albino. Thus, she is white and therefore, a living oxymoron.  

Albinism: an autosomal recessive disorder

This man has a medical condition called a 'goitre'. The thyroid gland has become enlarged and the cause can be due to a number of reasons. Usually it is  treatable, given a good prison physician.  
That man has a fat neck

This is an interesting case of self-mutilation or self-expression, depending on perspective. Initially, I thought the gentleman had used a rubber band to achieve a moronic aspect. But I was wrong. The bands are the remains of his 'modified' ear lobes.
WHY?

If I had tits like this I wouldn't get out of bed in the morning. Admittedly this is not a mug shot, but funny all the same. Is it wrong to laugh at this man's lamentable deformity? Yes.
This man is feeling a right tit. Okay, it's a left tit. Although he could be looking at himself in the mirror. Still wouldn't work, Arse.


That's all folks......

Saturday, 29 August 2015

North and South Dudley hold marathon piss up to avert carnage

The North Dudley negotiator contemplating the next beer

Today, it can be announced that tensions between  north and south Dudley have relaxed after a concord was hammered out in the Bilston pub, 'The Chain Makers Arms'. After 30 hours of continuous drinking, the negotiators from both sides emerged completely pissed and had this to say:

Mr Ping 'Ay up our lad'- Dudley South: "Yawm my bessie mate, I reeallly love ya". Who's that cunt looking at? Arse".

Mr Ding 'Faggots and mushy peas'- Dudley North: "I love ya too, ya daft bastid. Who's that cunt in the mirror....let's twat him". 

A digression is necessary to throw some historical light on the conflict between North and South Dudley.

In the dark recesses of 1950 a festering dispute became apparent between these similar but divergent nations. After a bitter conflict involving rhetoric, pigs pudding and tawdry words an uneasy peace ensued. However, no peace treaty was signed and the inhabitants of both principalities remain in animated limbo and suppressed tension.

Feelings were running high after a series of border incidents. Mr Eli Mugumbo of South Dudley was hit in the eye by a stale pork pie allegedly dispatched from North Dudley. The South immediately retaliated by broadcasting  Max Bygrave records on an endless loop into North Dudley. After 20 continuous hours the verve of the North Dudley leader snapped. Little is known about North Dudley's leader, Enoch El Twato, except that he is lard arse who rules the land with a weak limp wrist. In response he threatened to infiltrate South Dudley with teams of roving stag party revellers- the carnage this would cause can hardly be imagined. The situation could have escalated out of control resulting in the intervention of other West Midland states. However, at the 11th hour sanity prevailed and at opening time the respective representatives from North and South Dudley agreed to meet for a momentous piss up.  

Thus, it seems that no rock hard pastries will be lobbed northward and in return South Dudley will destroy its complete stock of  'Sing along a Max' vinyl albums. Thus a wider conflict was deflected, adeptly, adroitly and with aplomb.

Although conflict has been avoided, for now, the fundamental issues underlying the dispute still remain and linger like a fart on an airless, moonless, night.........

To be continued. 





Casus Belli?
                                                           And just to be cruel ARSE!
              

Friday, 28 August 2015

Paradox



What is a paradox? Simply stated a paradox is a statement or a situation that is self contradictory. Some apparent paradoxes are just a clever play with words and I would argue that they are not paradoxes at all but represent mere semantic baubles or playthings. In this category I would place the following statement: All Cretans are liars. I am a Cretan. The first sentence is fine however, the second sentence introduces a logical inconsistency which forces the argument into a never ending loop of doom.

Other paradoxes are more perplexing and can be very profound. Some are not paradoxes at all and are the consequence of faulty reasoning. In logic, a conclusion is valid if each premise in the argument is true. If in a chain of reasoning an error is introduced then the conclusion must be false. However, if every link in the reasoning is correct then the conclusion, no matter how implausible it may seem, must be true. Sherlock Holmes based his whole career upon this self evident truth.

Consider this situation: Three friends dine out in a restaurant. The total bill comes to $30. Each of the friends chip in $10 a piece. The waiter, Mr Mugumbo (who else), collects the bill but is informed by the cashier that the diners have been overcharged by $5 and this amount should be returned with aplomb and alacrity. However, the waiter is dishonest and decides to return only a $1 to each of the customers, thus pocketing the residual $2. As each diner receives a $1 rebate, they each pay $9 each for the meal. This equals 3 x $9, or $27. Now we know the waiter, Mr Mugumbo, has pocketed the $2 and that the customers have paid $27 for the meal: $2 + $27 = $29- but what has happened to the other $1? Remember the diners originally handed over $30!

Logic dictates that the single $ cannot magically disappear, but where has it gone? Therefore, we conclude that the reasoning must be faulty. But it is not a problem that can be readily solved, superficially at least. It can be solved with a little simple, but elegant mathematics. I won’t provide a solution- try and work it out for yourselves without going mad.

How would you classify this puzzle, also known as Theseus’s ship? Imagine a ship constructed entirely of wood. Every day a plank is removed and replaced with a new plank. This continues every day for three years until the whole of the ship is replaced with new planks. I forgot to mention that all the old planks are used as fuel for Mr Mugumbo’s furnace in his new restaurant which he managed to buy with money he defrauded from customers. My question is this: Is the ship the same ship which left the shipyard, admittedly on brief day trips, three years ago? To help you along, think about this: The human body replaces all its cells over a period of seven years. Even so, you still remain ‘you’, whatever that means. Just to be cruel, I would like to change the scenario. In this second instance, the old wood from the ship is used to construct a second ship (in your face Mugumbo!). After three years, there are therefore, two ships. Which of these ships is the original ship?

My final contribution is called the grandfather paradox. This is a problem well loved by science fiction writers. I will conclude with an answer which I think addresses the problem in a satisfactory manner. I attempt this because I really can’t help myself as it appeals to my mischievous nature. I’ll leave it up to you to decide whether I have been successful, or not.

The Grandfather Paradox
What if you could build a time machine and return to a time when your grandfather was but a little boy. You then kill your grandfather. Therefore, you are never born. But if you are never born how  can you return to kill your grandfather? Therefore, you are born, which means etc…….

Many physicists would argue that this really isn’t a paradox at all because time travel is impossible. Mathematicians disagree and state that time travel can be modelled with equations. Of course, everything is possible on a piece of paper. There are some physicists who contend that a massive black hole could bend space-time into a loop and therefore travelling back in time is theoretically plausible, but practically impossible (why?).

I would argue thusly: There is a fundamental law of nature: Energy and matter cannot be destroyed or created although they can be interchanged (Conservation of Matter/Energy). Therefore, the total energy and matter, at any one time, in the universe is a constant. If you suddenly disappeared from the present, you would be removing matter and energy from now ie there would be less mass/energy in the universe, at that instant. When you arrive in the past you would add extra mass and energy at that instant. And assuming you still exist in the future, you would be adding mass and energy into the universe which is clearly impossible and absurd. Before I go too deep, ponder this: My argument would not apply to an infinite universe, or would it?       

But what if our decisions in the present cause the proliferation of alternative outcomes in the universe? If today I decide to stay in bed rather than go to work would two divergent realities spring into existence? One dependent on staying in bed, the other generated because I went to work. This line of reasoning opens up the possibility of contemplating an infinite number of scenarios (universes?). I don’t like this possibility, although some philosophers are drawn to it.   

The great English physicist, Stephen Hawking, thinks he has proved that time travel is impossible. Some time ago he planned and advertised a party for ‘Time Travellers only’. At the appointed date and time he was the only person to turn up. You may well ask why did Professor Hawking go to the party in the first place- another paradox, mayhap?

Finally, just a few words about the importance of paradox and knowledge formulation. Clearly, many so-called paradoxes are simple mind games which provide pleasure and stimulation of thought. There are some paradoxes, so deep, so intellectually intense that they provide a mental goad for further intellectual discovery. A good example is ‘Russell’s Paradox ‘and the Russell-Myhill Paradox. The initial and simple and easy to state Russell paradox was formulated in 1902. The Russell-Myhill version was a logical outgrowth of the original paradox.  Bertrand Russell was one of the greatest minds of the 20th century and made significant inroads in mathematics, formal logic and philosophy. I recommend his book: ‘A History of Western Philosophy’; a masterful exposition of the subject, written in beautiful, crystal clear, prose. I can honestly say it is one of the few books I have read that have changed the way I view the world. I won’t get mired in these paradoxes however, for those who would like to drink deep into the wells of knowledge, I’ve provided a link. Be warned, it is not for everyone’s taste and a facility with formal logic notation is required. Arse.


 
This is not a paradox, this is science


Tuesday, 25 August 2015

Testicular freshness matters



Are you concerned with ‘manly’ freshness? Then you need: New Improved DDT. New Improved DDT has been proven to infiltrate into those hard to reach crevasses and folds resplendent within the inner sanctum of your nether regions. No infestation too rampant; no moistness too damp. Simply apply New Improved DDT using attached applicator and probe (patent/patient pending) and watch those stubborn critters curl up and spin uncontrollably as the neurotoxin wreaks havoc. Perfect for those hard to reach scrotal wrinkles and deep dank, ravines.


Never infect your love one again!
 
Aftermath

Testiculomonials
Mr Invert Mugumbo (Rampant Homosexual)
"I use New Improved DDT to keep my fellas smelling and tasting fresh. After a hard evening of active 'bum fun'  I can't wait to immerse my hot sticky bollocks in New Improved DDT.  Keeps my nuts squeaky clean and free of tics and crabs". Arse, big sore arse. 

Fat poof


Use as directed. May cause impotence.

Sunday, 23 August 2015

Onward and upward


I've been invited to become a feature writer at an online science magazine, called 'Relatively Interesting'. The site is a show case for articles on, not unsurprisingly, science. It is dedicated to debunking the irrational and woolly minded thinking which passes for 'truth and profundity', these days. My first article will appear next week. This means I will have to write sensibly. The editors will not allow the occasional, gratuitous, 'Arse'. Tis a pity, as the occasional interposed 'arse ' can add weight and gravitas to an otherwise mundane article. Also they are not too keen for me to write/rant about a certain one legged, long dead and vertically challenged, British comedian whose name escapes me. The only thing which will be allowed to pass through the filter of the eagle eyed editorial team is sensible stuff and shit. There will be no mention of Mr Mugumbo, at all, unless my medication runs out. Anyway, when my article is published I'll post the link. Arse.


Saturday, 22 August 2015

The Wolf within our midst....



Meet canis lupus

It is hard to contemplate that the small, fluffy, white dog lying content and gently farting on my lap is essentially a wolf. The wolf and the domestic dog are virtually genetically identical. A diminutive Chihuahua is fully able to produce viable offspring with the wild Grey Wolf. Although the mechanics of the mating might be tad contrived and the yapping offspring may well have the disconcerting habit of ripping your leg, clean orf...... Let's digress.

However, genetics can be deceptive and it would be ill-advised to consider the domestic dog a variant of the wild wolf. Although it is highly apparent that man has selected for external appearance in the dog, most of the changes relate to behaviour and temperament. The modern dog exhibits infantile, puppy wolf, behavioural traits throughout life. This makes them devoted and dependant on their human masters. In turn we love them for their tractable and loving natures. For those of us who have kept a wolf, divergence in behaviour becomes noticeable when the animal matures at about two years. Now you know you are dealing with a wild animal. Mature wolves, even those raised by humans, do not like to be confined. They are independent creatures who do not react well to physical strictures. This is where you realise how smart a wolf is. Wolves are smarter than domestic dogs because they have to be. As top predator wolves need to be smart to hunt their fleet of foot prey. With a few exceptions, dogs have not been cultivated for their smarts. Herding dogs like the Border Collie and German Sheppard are the smartest dog breeds. And one word of advice: never try to take a bone off a mature wolf, even if you raised it from a pup. If you do, you will get badly mauled- trust me, I have the scars.

Scientific consensus reckons that the wolf became domesticated between 34,000 to 10,000 years ago. At this time, mankind practised a hunter-gather existence and had yet to exploit the land in a systematic and organised way. Farming would have to await a later epoch. The advantage accrued to wolves (lone wolves?) attaching themselves to human bands is rather obvious. A carcass left after the kill and once butchered would present an attractive meal to following wolves. Less aggressive and less inhibited individuals may have entered human camps and humans may have nurtured wolf cubs, fortuitously found. For man, wolves would greatly assist with the hunt. In the early man-wolf association, a symbiotic  relationship  would soon evolve. Two intelligent species coming together because it benefitted them to do so. Man would start, almost unconsciously, to select individuals with desired traits. Wolves do not bark, although this trait innately exists. This trait was easily unearthed and the sentinel dog-wolf was born. The advantage to man is manifestly obvious, although, as the owner of three dogs, I can attest that this ability can become tiresome.  

Over time, the dog was selected to become the bewildering shapes and forms we see today. When man became a farmer and became settled, subsets of the community acquired wealth. With wealth, came leisure. Now the elite could focus on a dog's aesthetic qualities. The true companion dog was born and the epitome of this madness is the 'toy breed'. These dogs are of no practical utility and are bred solely to evoke pleasure in their owner. In turn, these dogs have been selected to be adorable and loving.  

Howling because they can
Dogs have retained an interesting mix of vestige from their Wolf ancestry. I have three Maltese Terriers, who on  an ill considered prompt from their master, will lift their heads in unison and howl. Imagine what it is like to have the three of them on your lap howling and not so gently, farting. Now you know why I'm barking mad, howwwwwwl!




The hounds of doom- canis lupus familiaris: Mandy, Loki and Chloe

Tuesday, 18 August 2015

Choose your Real Estate Agent with due prudence


Selling your home is never going to be easy- tis one of life’s most stressful events. Unless you market the house yourself, you will likely employ the services of your friendly neighbourhood Real Estate Agent. You place yourself wholeheartedly in their professional hands and expect, nay demand, they act entirely in your best interests and market your home accordingly. Professionally rendered photographs are essential if you are to pique the interest of potential buyers. I can’t help feel that some Estate Agents should spend more time planning their ‘shots’ in order to maximise the home’s most desirable features whilst minimising the less attractive elements. Here's a selection of Real Estate photos where both the owners and their Agents could have tried harder. Read on and weep……….


                                  I wonder what happened to my beloved pussy-cat,                      Tiddles? Perhaps he is reposing on the neighbour's overgrown lawn


Decor to die for. This is simply a true statement. As mortals, we are ultimately doomed. But do we need to be reminded every morning over our amphibious landing craft shaped wheaty, oaty flakes? This is the kitchen, isn't it?



“Dr Watson, where do you think Professor Moriarty has hidden the body?
“Indeed Holmes, a most vexed conundrum worthy of your higher investigative capacities”   


Desirable condo comes with very own floating dead body


Conveniently located next to the slaughterhouse


Suit the keen gardener


Check out the fella having a poo. Clearly both the owner and the estate agent
were in a hurry 


Er, not sure I'd trust the showers in this house 


And finally........
Arse, Big Fat, Arse