Saturday, 29 August 2015

North and South Dudley hold marathon piss up to avert carnage

The North Dudley negotiator contemplating the next beer

Today, it can be announced that tensions between  north and south Dudley have relaxed after a concord was hammered out in the Bilston pub, 'The Chain Makers Arms'. After 30 hours of continuous drinking, the negotiators from both sides emerged completely pissed and had this to say:

Mr Ping 'Ay up our lad'- Dudley South: "Yawm my bessie mate, I reeallly love ya". Who's that cunt looking at? Arse".

Mr Ding 'Faggots and mushy peas'- Dudley North: "I love ya too, ya daft bastid. Who's that cunt in the mirror....let's twat him". 

A digression is necessary to throw some historical light on the conflict between North and South Dudley.

In the dark recesses of 1950 a festering dispute became apparent between these similar but divergent nations. After a bitter conflict involving rhetoric, pigs pudding and tawdry words an uneasy peace ensued. However, no peace treaty was signed and the inhabitants of both principalities remain in animated limbo and suppressed tension.

Feelings were running high after a series of border incidents. Mr Eli Mugumbo of South Dudley was hit in the eye by a stale pork pie allegedly dispatched from North Dudley. The South immediately retaliated by broadcasting  Max Bygrave records on an endless loop into North Dudley. After 20 continuous hours the verve of the North Dudley leader snapped. Little is known about North Dudley's leader, Enoch El Twato, except that he is lard arse who rules the land with a weak limp wrist. In response he threatened to infiltrate South Dudley with teams of roving stag party revellers- the carnage this would cause can hardly be imagined. The situation could have escalated out of control resulting in the intervention of other West Midland states. However, at the 11th hour sanity prevailed and at opening time the respective representatives from North and South Dudley agreed to meet for a momentous piss up.  

Thus, it seems that no rock hard pastries will be lobbed northward and in return South Dudley will destroy its complete stock of  'Sing along a Max' vinyl albums. Thus a wider conflict was deflected, adeptly, adroitly and with aplomb.

Although conflict has been avoided, for now, the fundamental issues underlying the dispute still remain and linger like a fart on an airless, moonless, night.........

To be continued. 

Casus Belli?
                                                           And just to be cruel ARSE!

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