I was approached by my flaxen-haired son the other day. ''Father'' he said, ''I come seeking your wisdom on a grave matter''. The following exchange ensued:
FS: ''You are not gay, are you''?
FS jnr: ''Of course not, Papa. How silly for you to think this way. In fact, I intend to ask for the hand of my beloved Emily. If she refuses I will surely end my life''.
FS: ''She's not Welsh is she? And why are you talking like a heroine in a Jane Austin novel?
FS jnr: ''Enough of this insane banter. And no she is not Welsh. I have an interview tomorrow for a prestigious IT job and I would like some advice''.
FS: ''Well son you have come to the right person. Who better to ask than a mad old bugger with a tenuous grip on reality''.
So here is Flaxen Saxon's sage advice on interview technique. Arse.
1. When asked, ''How are you''. Say, ''Goal orientated''. See number 8.
2. Remember the interviewer's name and use it in the interview. If you forget, call them 'Jobbo face' or if a woman interviewer, 'Jobbo face, baby'. Try it, it works.
3. Leave a gap in your CV for 2011 .When asked for an explanation, just say: ''Arab Spring'', wink and point to yourself.
4. Don't forget that employers check Facebook accounts. Delete any photos of you posing in Nazi regalia. Instead, substitute photos of you looking at pages of programming code. A picture of Steve Jobs looking wistful in the background can only help.
5. Make eye contact. If two interviewers, move your eyes independently to regard both at the same time. If three interviewers present use your 'third eye' or borrow one from a friend.
6. Tell them you are not an applicant, but an appliCAN.
7. If you have to fart, look intensely at one of the interviewers and frown.
8. Don't forget to lard your answers with the latest business speak, such as: 'Moving forward'; 'core competency'; 'empower'; 'bleeding edge' and my favourite, 'corporate values'. Put them all together in a sentence.
9. When asked about hobbies, don't mention your proclivity to 'burn stuff' and your ability to crush small animals with one hand.
10. If you have to belch, burp out the word, 'enthusiastic'.
11. When asked to describe yourself, say, ''Goal orientated with an inordinate propensity to empower bleeding edge colleagues with corporate values and core competency, moving forward''.
12. Only SHOUT out the word, 'ARSE', if panicked and as a desperate distraction.
Let me know how you get on, son. I think he'll be okay.