Friday, 12 February 2016

Billy no mates

Friends are undoubtedly a boon and a gift to mankind. But like most unsolicited gifts they are unwanted and you end up swapping them for an acquaintance. It will come as no surprise, that I am bereft in the ‘friend department’. Indeed, a very wise man once told me: “You should never have more friends than the fingers on your left hand after a chainsaw accident”. Wise words indeed, Mr Mugumbo.

Here are a few uplifting bon mots concerning ‘friends and friendship’ to make your heart soar…..

Friends are like trees, they fall down if you hit them multiple times with an axe.

Friends are like snowflakes, they disappear if you piss on them.

Imaginary friends are like real friends, except you can't chop them up and feed them to the pigs. That is of course if you are friendly with a pig farmer. Then it gets complicated, especially if the pig farmer decides he wants to hang out with you. And all you want to do is rock gently in the foetal position in a small, darkened room. Pig farmers are so needy. This is not totally correct and I need to add a caveat: At least imaginary pig farmers go away after taking medication: ''Isn't that right Mr Mugumbo?" Unfortunately, Mr Mugumbo is generally none compliant.

Friends are like a ferret. When you least expect it they bite the end of your finger clean orf and shit on your carpet......  

I’m feeling all warm and fuzzy inside and out. What about you?

                                                   Hey kids, meet your new baby sitter


  1. "Imaginary friends"?

    You mean like the ones you have on Facebook and Twitter?

  2. Friendship: that emotional state between two people who have a mutual feeling of superiority...