Wednesday, 3 February 2016

Another Pandemic Scare

Don't Panic in a Pandemic

‘Baby Doc’ Vowel, the Mayor of the svelte (surely some mistake) supine town of Tipton, has declared a ‘State of Apathy’ after a further case of Big Fat Arse disease was discovered nestling in the nether regions of the principality. Vowel immediately closed the borders to prevent incipient spread of the disease to the neighbouring boroughs. Although Dr Fearmonger, Chief Medical Officer and Chanteuse of renown, fears that Vowel’s measures are too little too late. In a statement, Dr Fearmugumbo (steady Flaxen) had this to say: “We are in the grips of an epidemic of unprecedented portions and big fat arses are erupting everywhere. You have only got to walk along Tipton High Street to see the expansive waistlines. This is the first symptom after the wretches become infected with a big fat arse. This is a terrible affliction for which there is no known cure. This condition is easily passed on between families and is exacerbated by sloth and extreme fuckwittedness. This disease is much worse than the previous epidemic of ‘Mad Ferret Disease’ and the ‘Black Breath’. In the first instance, the Tipton ferret population was only mildly livid and the ‘Black Breath’ was occasioned by the injudicious and copious consumption of pickled eggs. Mr Vowel reckons that the only way to control and isolate the condition is by applying a severe and punitive tax on ‘fat stupid bastards’.

However, it is not all gloom and doom and many pundits predict that this epidemic, like others, will have little impact on the overall health of the population. Professor Mugumbojumbo of the Epidemiology dept. at Tipton Technical College pontificated sagely upon this very issue: “We have always had a vast reservoir of fat arsed bastards in this pert borough of ours and I suspect this won't end due to proclamations and rapacious revenue garnering by the Civic authorities. The World Health Organisation (WHO?) are forever waxing lyrical about the next apocalyptic pandemic calamity which will lay humanity low and produce a population of sub-human brain eating Zomboids. However, recent evidence suggests that these creatures have always existed amongst us. Luckily, and as always, the virulence of these conditions is directly proportional to the poverty and stupidity of the disease addled/riddled recipients".

When the Lord doth taketh away he does so with a very large bucket