Wednesday 3 December 2014

I give you: Kim Jong un, the god. All hail!

C'mon it's not as if there is no precedent for this sort of thing

North Korea, through its official news promulgation mouthpiece, 'Korean Unified News Transmission (KUNT)' has officially announced the divinity of the present glorious leader, Kim Jong un.    

Kim Jong un is now a god, it is official, and you better take heed especially if you live in North Korea. Of course the signs have been around since his illustrious birth and particularly noted by those who are paid for this sort of thing. And prudent courtiers are well advised to kowtow the party line especially since the much vaunted shortage of doggy food.

His birth was full of portents and wonders never seen outside the propaganda machine of a totalitarian closed society.

Kim Jong un was born in a luxurious Dacha on the sacred mountain just outside the capital city of Pingpong, next to a stable full of partially digested dissidents and well fed dogs. A radiant red star was seen shooting in the east, although the foolish, never to be seen again, did aver that it was a missile test gone awry. Shortly afterwards three wise generals arrived bearing arms/gifts. General Kim Poo dun proffered the infant prodigy Plutonium 239, Kim Dog well dun bequeathed the two vials necessary for VX production (check your chemistry), while the third general, Luca Brasi, brought pasta and wished that his first child, be a masculine child. I digress.

As he grew, he was always taller, faster, more aesthetically pleasing, athletic, better fed and fatter than his peers.

On the road to Pingpong one day he was enshrouded in a bright light and a loud booming sound was heard, as if from afar. Many who were not there at the time, saw this is as a mark of his divinity, while others, who were there at the time, surmised that he had been hit by a piece of errant missile; they were never seen again......

After attending Kun Jong un university, Kim Jong un so excelled in studious intimidation that he was awarded a PhD in all the major disciplines after just one year of insouciant study. During his lunch breaks, of which there were many, he would compose several books on topics so profound and arcane that only he and his pet gerbil, Kim Poo own eat, could understand.

After leaving the hallowed halls of academia he entered the military. His star was in the ascendant and needed no further help from badly constructed missiles (made in China) and he progressed from Cadet to five star general in the matter of six months and five purges (at least two after breakfast).

Of course there are the dissenters, but never in North Korea. Some folk say that he is nothing more than a nasty, tyrannical, short arsed little slope with a Napoleon complex. A man drenched in opulence whilst his people live in constant fear of starvation and the 'knock at the door'. A man who uses crude political gambits to extort resources out of the gullible West. A man who should shoot his barber and start eating more salads. They also say that he owes his position of power solely due to his grandfather's machinations and dynastic ambitions. Suitably endowed, his father ruthlessly, and without compunction, crushed his opponents and led his country into military brinkmanship and economic ruin.  But then again, they do say that nepotism tends to run in families.........         

Ouch, that must hurt. But I'm sure the people he surrounds himself are equally porcine


                                                            No fucking comment


  1. I seem to remember a similar story about his father Kim Kong Dim, the funniest parody of his dear old Pa that I ever did see was in team America, where failing to grasp what the makers of aforementioned movie were up to Kim Kong even agreed to put his own real voice on tape to be used for the despot puppet in the movie. The result was hilarity all round, except I suspect among the tyrant deity's advisers who I suspect became rose mulch.

  2. Perhaps he'll follow in his father's** footsteps.

    **You remember, Kim Jong Il, then became Kim Jong very Il, then became Kim Jong Dead...

  3. You might not be too far off there Ted. Tis rumoured that the glorious leader is hypertensive and a diabetic. He is also a lard arse and a chain smoker- watch this space.

  4. Nigga please. Jesus isn't fit to lick Kim Jong-un shoes, let alone be his son.