Wednesday 17 December 2014

Flaxen Saxon's Sexual Healing: Part II

I received so many complaints after last week's post entitled, 'Flaxen Saxon's Sexual Healing', that I have decided to implement a regular series of posts on the same theme. Read on and weep.....

Mr Mugumbo winking

Dear Mr Saxon,
You seem a worldly-wise old cove and I would like your help on a matter very close to my heart, or loins, depending how you look at it. Having attained the tender age of 30 I feel there is something missing from my otherwise hectic life. This is very hard for me to put into words, so here goes: I’m bereft of female company, have never engaged in amorous congress and never had my Martian probe land in Venus. Can you help me in my quest to cream my first tart?
Mr Loney Mugumbo (of course it his him- it always is)

Dear Mr Mugumbo,
Talking about beating about the bush, or not, as in your case. Mr Mugumbo, all I can suggest is that you procure the services of a local lady of the night. Prostitutes never say no, never laugh at the size of your cock and never pass comment on the size of your cock.

Here are Flaxen Saxon’s top tips to help you in your quest to top your tip. Prostitutes come in two flavours: cheap and expensive. The cheap ones hang around street corners in dodgy neighbourhoods. They are often past their best and take drugs. The tariff is usually calculated by the number of missing teeth multiplied by the number of misspelt Indian ink tattoos; the higher the number the lower the cost. Once in the lair of the prossie be wary of ‘cock oysters’. These mucilaginous artefacts appear at random on the pavement and are usually preceded by a loud gagging and harsh hacking cough. The origin of these glutinous opaque gems is one of life’s mysteries. Some say they are Angel tears, some say they are the result of prostitutes clearing their throats after a particularly heavy night. Gentle readers, I will leave you to be the judge. However, if they be Angel tears then God had better be treating his celestial companions for conjunctivitis. Not all crap that fortuitously turns up on the pavement is manna from heaven. Although you may be in an urban wilderness, please don’t be tempted to sample.

The expensive ones are found in ‘escort agencies’. I suspect they may be out of your financial league unless of course you happen to be a high court judge or prominent politician.

I remember in my youth there was a particularly tall old whore who used to ply her trade at the back of Rackhams in Birmingham’s town centre. She must have been 6’ 10’’ and towered over the sad pathetic remnants of humanity who came to her for relief. To facilitate the transaction most men had to stand on a wooden box. Just as they were about to come she would kick it away, thus saving on condoms.

Ten'Gilda' Hilda
Otherwise, may I suggest you purchase a ‘latex lady’? Love dolls come in two flavours: cheap and expensive. The cheap variety you have to blow up and have a nasty habit of deflating when you insert a prick. The expensive ones are articulated, soft and vivacious. They are so life-like that they actually laugh at the size of your cock. If you can afford one of these, you really don’t need a real women.

Hello Sailor

Gentle readers please feel free to regale me with your problems and lamentable deformities, imagined or real, and I will endeavour to profer wisdom born of fortitude and aplomb.


  1. I was once advised that when purchasing a latex lady, one should go for the American DeLuxe version. These are the ones with the real pubic hair...

  2. Who would dare to complain about your advice spot I though it was fantastic and was hopeful you would turn this into a series.
    When I think latex ladies I think Del Trotter and explosions, an exploding latex lady would add a whole new dimension,

    1. "...The cheap variety you have to blow up..."

      Unless you go for the Islamic one - they blow themselves up. :-)

  3. My advice to Mr Mugumbo would be to try and select the expensive ones when they are still cheap, and don't believe a word about paying for a university education or that their husbands don't know about it...they all say it and I always reply "oh dear".

    Pissy chrissy was one such tart that I invested considerable time and money on the assumption that she would be an expensive one and I got her on the cheap...unfortunately she is even cheaper nowdays and I still cannot enjoy the pleasure of Yarmouh market chip stalls several years later without the fear of being harrassed.

    Get a cheap mobile phone, never use your real name, tell them you are divorced.....I always think Lithuanian girls ask too many questions.

    Escort girls that are over 40 are still in the game because they are bloody good at it.....worth paying for without doubt, with the added benefit of being able to do deals outside of the agency at much reduced rates.

    Its a damn sight more enjoyable than going fishing or a round of only live once.this is it.