Wednesday, 10 December 2014

Flaxen Saxon’s sexual healing

Dr Ipod Mugumbo preped for surgery
I have a gift. I have been blessed with the ability to dispense sage wisdom with aplomb. I decided, many years ago, that this wonderful bestowment should be shared with the world. Tis my passion, nay, my reason for drawing breath and therefore I disburse my counsel to all who seek true enlightenment and, through no fault of their own, have floundered (belly up) on the tumultuous and winding path that is life……   Be still and know.

Dear Flaxen Saxon,
I have recently married and am desperate to conceive. My husband and I saw our doctor recently in the hope he could help. However, Dr Ipod Mugumbo (it is he, and none other), did not inspire confidence as he danced about in his native headdress and waved a shrunken head on a stick, over my barren, infecund, body. Can you proffer guidance and insightful penetration into my dark, dank and fetid nether regions?   

Flaxen dispensing……
May I ask a delicate question? Is your husband fully endowed with the power of penal turgidity? Tis a common problem with the modern man (Mr Floppy). Obviously if he is depositing seed outside the cavern of fruitfulness, due to mechanical/pneumatic issues, then your inability to bear fruit is understandable. That being the case, I suggest you avail yourself of Dr Mugumbo’s stick and ram it gently down your husband’s flaccid member. Feel free to pound the stick all the way to the hilt, with a mallet. Don’t forget to rotate. Thusly prepared your husband should be able to perform his duties without losing rigor. To ensure conception the mouth of the shrunken head should be left agape. It is recommended that your husband visits the emergency department after each attempt in order to remove splinters.

Dr Teapot's diagnostic instrument
After consummation, I suggest you stand on your head, open your legs, flex your pelvic floor muscles and blow bubbles. This will in no way enhance the possibility of fertilisation but at least will inject a moment of comic relief into a difficult and fraught performance.  


1 comment:

  1. May I just say that is fantastic advice, I so wish I had , had you to turn to during my barren years.
    Had I had this advice then I would have felt far less depressed and desperate in my time of worthlessness.
    P.S you do make me chuckle Flaxon :D