Friday 11 July 2014

Saint Cyril's Cell Phone Discovered in the West Midlands

Breaking news from the picturesque (surely some mistake) town of Tipton in the West Midlands.

Saint Cyril before the accident
Mr Khan, of Tipton 'Fish and Chip Emporium' had this to say: "Yesterday morning whilst de-larding the fish fryer my eyes by chance alighted on a mysterious article partially embedded in a deep fried fish cake. I removed the encrusted artefact and was amazed to find an ancient cell phone. Deeply etched on the back I discovered the immortal words-
'This is the property of  Cyril'."

Mr Khan rightly surmised that the phone could be none other than the fabled phone of Saint Cyril Mugumbo, the martyr. As you will recall, Saint Cyril was active in the 10th century and proselyted to the heathen English in order to spread the good news of the Christ child. Under the auspices of the then Pope, 'Bertram the Badger' Cyril's mission achieved great initial success until he alighted in the kingdom of the Tipton Saxons, then ruled by the 'mad king', Flaxen. During a debate to determine the number of Angels which could conceivably fit on the head of a pin, Cyril inexplicably brushed against Flaxen's double headed Danish war axe, 'Twat Cruncher' and unaccountably expired. The contemporary chronicle of the time takes up the story:

And lo did Cyril repeatedly fall upon Flaxen's Dane axe until his bonce did first loll mightily and then did rolleth orwf. And Eingar, the wolf, did perchance upon the scene and grasping Cyril's noddle betwixt his jaws frolicked according to his nature. Tiring of his sport, Eingar dumped the holy head unto the midden pit where it rests to this day. Bad boy, Eingar!

A telecommunications expert, Mr Bimble remained unconvinced. "It is highly unlikely that this phone was once owned by Saint Cyril as mobile phones were not invented until the 12th century. And furthermore the phone is clearly marked, 'Made in China'."

The faithful citizens of Tipton remained unswayed and several miracles in the borough have been attributed to the 'Holy phone of Saint Cyril.' Tracy Legsakimbo reckons the phone is a potent fertility relic: "Since the phone was recovered, innit, I have fell pregnant. Tis a miracle I tell ya, I've been trying for 4 years now and I'm the only one in my class at school not with a kid, innit."

When asked who the father was, Miss Legsakimbo, said: "Class nine."

Miss Legs akimbo signs on the dole, this Tuesday.

King Flaxen taking Eingar for a gentle stroll

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