|Saint Cyril before the accident
'This is the property of Cyril'."
Mr Khan rightly surmised that the phone could be none other than the fabled phone of Saint Cyril Mugumbo, the martyr. As you will recall, Saint Cyril was active in the 10th century and proselyted to the heathen English in order to spread the good news of the Christ child. Under the auspices of the then Pope, 'Bertram the Badger' Cyril's mission achieved great initial success until he alighted in the kingdom of the Tipton Saxons, then ruled by the 'mad king', Flaxen. During a debate to determine the number of Angels which could conceivably fit on the head of a pin, Cyril inexplicably brushed against Flaxen's double headed Danish war axe, 'Twat Cruncher' and unaccountably expired. The contemporary chronicle of the time takes up the story:
And lo did Cyril repeatedly fall upon Flaxen's Dane axe until his bonce did first loll mightily and then did rolleth orwf. And Eingar, the wolf, did perchance upon the scene and grasping Cyril's noddle betwixt his jaws frolicked according to his nature. Tiring of his sport, Eingar dumped the holy head unto the midden pit where it rests to this day. Bad boy, Eingar!
The faithful citizens of Tipton remained unswayed and several miracles in the borough have been attributed to the 'Holy phone of Saint Cyril.' Tracy Legsakimbo reckons the phone is a potent fertility relic: "Since the phone was recovered, innit, I have fell pregnant. Tis a miracle I tell ya, I've been trying for 4 years now and I'm the only one in my class at school not with a kid, innit."
When asked who the father was, Miss Legsakimbo, said: "Class nine."
Miss Legs akimbo signs on the dole, this Tuesday.
|King Flaxen taking Eingar for a gentle stroll