Thursday 3 December 2020

Special Lock Down Rules for the Black Country



WILLENHALL - You are able to fight your neighbour providing you wear a mask and social distancing rules are adhered to.

DUDLEY - Burgling homes in your local area is still permitted providing you sanitise before and after the offence. Track and trace technology must also be used.

DARLASTON - You can only visit your dealer when collecting your children from school. The dealer should wear a face visor and make sure all bags are sanitised.

WALSALL - Having sex with your sister is still permitted but you must be home before 10pm and use approved lubricant.

WOLVERHAMPTON - Vigilante groups of no more than six allowed outdoors and socially distancing between the hours of 10pm - 2am only. You must wear suitable PPE for any physical contact.

BILSTON - Prostitute services are still permitted to remain open, this is now classed as essential services for fear of the economic collapse of the town. Entry from the rear only

WEST BROM - Now declared a NO GO ZONE (in 1984), if you must travel to this area please follow all diversions, traffic cones and signals, remain in your car, do not abandon your car, masks are not required as nothing is open

WEDNESBURY - Everyone must remain at home and self isolate until manufacturers can distribute gloves with 6 fingers. Please do not go to A&E for digit removal as they are a tad busy.

TIPTON - Do as you want, even Covid wouldn’t go to TIPTON, Shithole!

Stick to these guidelines and we'll get through it together

I confess I did not pen these scurrilous lines concerning the rather distinct and endearing area in England known as the Black Country. I must thank a fellow Black Country lad, Ted Treen, for sending these latest government approved instructions to my fellow Black Country folk. Sad to say I suspect that these wise words will go unread as the literacy rate in the region, at last census, was 0.9%, while numeracy was 3 groats of a tanner. And while it is true that my writings within this blog are none too flattering to the place of my birth I must admit a certain fondness for the region and the tough, singular and self deprecating folk of the Black Country. As my granddad used to say, "Flaxen, yam a saft aypeth". 

 Translation on request


  1. Arr, it were bostin' weren't it, ower kid?

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