Wednesday, 23 December 2020

Splaying Akimbo

Tis always good to start off with a definition of the topic under investigation, as it aids clarity of thought and purpose. And today's topic concerning the vexed issue of 'manspreading' needs all the help that can be mustered to promote, not only clarity, but comprehension.

Manspreading definition: the act or practice by a man of sitting with the legs spread wide apart (as in a public seating area) in a way that intrudes on the space of others.

Note: the definition applies solely to men, women for some reason appear to be exempt. In my mind, someone intruding onto another chair is a selfish twat, regardless of gender.

But feminists are not really concerned with the supposed issue of taking up space. They are more concerned with men ostensibly exposing their genital area as a signal of toxic masculinity. It doesn't matter if the wretch is not intruding on another's seat, the agenda is clearly centred on man bashing and a means to berate the male gender into some sort of submission. 

It will not go unnoticed that men's genital bits and pieces are external and therefore an impediment to the seated male. Therefore, we spread our legs as an act of comfort. The 'boys' hate to be constricted/restricted in a cramped domain. Only by unleashing the 'beast' within are we able to garner peace and tranquility in a world gone awry.     

A student from Brighton University, England was so moved by the 'problem of man spreading' that she found it necessary to invent a chair, so cunningly designed, that it prevents the incumbent from splaying akimbo.

The academic institution was so impressed that Mizzzz Fanny Whistle (makes a change from Mugumbo) was awarded the princely sum of £1,000. I'm not an entrepreneur, but I suspect the chair suitably fashioned with a wooden wedge is unlikely to be a commercial success. This is an instrument of torture and I want my twinkle, and the boys, to bask in the heady perfume that is freedom. They demand space to bathe and breathe in the cooling fresh air/hair. They will never be subject to tyranny and subjugation. Let my bits run free, unfettered and wild! 

I espied a photo of Mizzzzzzzz Funny Fanny, and I must admit her appearance fulfils the ugly, fat, rabid anti-man, dyke paradigm. No shit, Flaxen.

Irrespective of the above observations, the other problem I have with the 'anti-man spreading chair' is that it is supposed to represent the culmination project for a bachelor's degree. Nailing a piece of wood to a chair does not smack of cutting edge technology and hardly represents the pinnacle of academic achievement. Awarding the design with a cash prize is an insult and affront to folks who genuinely design stuff that make our everyday life a little bit easier.  Arse Bucket.

Rant over, I'm off to burn down the local 'Old Folk's Home' to assuage the beast within.   




  1. I see an opening for large spacious cod-pieces.
    Spectacular, coulourful and in a plethora of materials. Satin is eminently strokeable.
    With the space and freedom available, the poor honourable member is no longer trapped by the adjacent limbs and the need for man-spreading is gone.
    Also we men can join in the ladies' game of "Hey, pervert, my eyes are up here!"
    Such larks.
    Where do I apply for my award?

    1. Doonhamer, I see your cheeky soul resplendent with gifts of gold. Mayhap, did you attend Brighton Institution of not too difficult stuff? I see you as a stalwart student amongst the dross. I wish someone would stroke my 'codpiece', now and again. Mrs S, is still a handsome filly, but sometimes a different hand would aid the release. Anyway, you receive Flaxon Saxon's award for being an entertaining, silly old sod- must be worth something in these times of dearth. Arse.

    2. I am truly honoured to receive such an accolade from the Chronicler of Tipton and Guardian of the Ferret known as Shagger.
      And yet I am not worthy.
      As for education, I was raised in the Land of the Picts, far to the North of Tipton, where Sawney Bean was revered for his entrepreneurial enterprise and early recycling efforts. My education was formally completed in the City of Saint Mungo where I was entrusted with the Knowledge of the mysterious electron.Sometime a particle and sometime a wave, often simultaneously. With such arcane knowledge I was able to gull a succession of employers into granting me a meagre living.
      Thanks be, I am still not a Row-boat

  2. Might the difference in hip structure between male and female have more explanatory power for manspreading?

    1. As I remember from my anatomy classes, a women's skeletal posture is more attuned to the spreading of the legs. As said, it is a matter of common courtesy and most folk will amend their stance when necessary. If they don't, then they are wretched people deserved of castigation, regardless of sex.

  3. I think "man spreading" in Brighton means something else

  4. Yea, as I recall, there are more pooftahs per inch than in any other place on earth...

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