We are all toast

Nutritionists and food scientists are keen for us ordinary folk to eat healthy. Yep, they regale us with tales of doom, despond and woe unless we do as they preach; less animal fat, less red meat, less salt and more fruit and veg. Sensible advice I'm sure. Apart from the nutritional benefits we are also haunted by the spectre of cancer causing chemicals lurking within our comestibles. A few years ago we were bombarded by the latest research which suggested that processed meats such as sausage, bacon and spam (NO, NOT SPAM!) were laden/ladled/larded with carcinogens akimbo. The simple BBQ also came under censure. Apparently, cooking meat over a flame causes charring and the black, crunchy, tasty bits are decidedly cancery (not a word in my lexicon).

Why is it that the tastiest of foods are unhealthy or harmful? Broccoli and sprouts are never on the list of proscribed foods. Bacon tastes good, red meat marbled with fat tastes good, spinach tastes like shit. The latest culprit to suffer condemnation is the humble stalwart of every nutritious breakfast: toast. Apparently diligent researchers have discovered that the darker the hue of the toasted bread, the greater the accumulation of the chemical acrylamide. And horror of horrors, acrylamide causes cancer. Ask any small rodent force fed unfeasibly large amounts of the pure chemical. And it is true that if you feed mice on huge amounts of the stuff, some but not all, will develop cancer. These are not just any mice, but special mice which have been specifically bred to be susceptible to cancer- an artificial breed of mice which eschews cheese and porks with unrestrained relish and gusto on the finest grade acrylamide powder. As one sensible Professor (not Mugumbo) put it: "Even adults with the highest consumption of acrylamide would need to consume 160 times as much to reach a level that might cause increased tumours in mice". Well said Prof David Spiegelhalter from Cambridge University. Or in non-scientific speak: You would have to be spreading the stuff thickly on your morning, afternoon and evening toast to experience the same dose.

So what are we to make of this latest research? I would counsel that the wise consumer should take heed of this undoubtedly sound advice, not a jot; not an iota. After all we are men, not mice. Isn't life more sweet and vibrant because we are doomed? Do we not experience excitement and expectation every time we masticate a morsel of grilled bread? Saviour and grasp life's fancy and feast on toast of shades various. Personally, I'm going to carry on eating my toast as nature intended- brown in the middle and black on the outside. I remember reading somewhere that the burnt charcoal bits aids digestion. I rest my case.