Sunday, 8 January 2017

Important research elucidated

Before reading my eminent and most illuminating research paper below, the reader is strongly recommended to read my previous paper in this series. The link is emphasised in the introduction. 

Further research into correlations between intellectual deficit and non-standard names: Investigation into parental names and influence through generations

Tip. J. Int. Res: 70 (3) 98-102. 2017 

Dr Saxon, F and Prof Mugumbo, L. Tipton Institute of Difficult Shit and Stuff, UK.

In our previous seminal paper: A systematic approach to assess the impact of non-standard names on intelligence quotients (IQ): A retrospective study, we demonstrated beyond statistical doubt, that piss poor names assigned to children have a positive and consistent correlation with profound intellectual deficit. While compounding environmental factors cannot be totally discounted, it was conjectured that their influence, if any, remains negligible. Also in our previous paper we pondered whether parental intellectual status may have a role to play. In accord with the accepted dogma that intelligence is mainly determined by genetic factors we set out to measure parental IQs of children endowed with diabolical first names as a means of unearthing hereditary influences. In this paper we are concerned and consumed to investigate parental names and their underlying role on the intellectual status of their offspring as well as the parents themselves. In addition, it was noted if one (unilateral) or both parents (bilateral) had sub-normal names.

As always, the Tipton census was a valuable resource and repository for data. Please review our criteria concerning what constitutes a ‘fucking shit name’. One thousand crap children names were utilised and exploited during this study. In this way we were able to identify and extrapolate to parental names and subsequent influences.
Parental names were assigned to one of three categories as elucidated below:
Category 1. Where both parents are deemed to be recipients of normal, nice names. Names that require no harsh and arbitrary judgement by those acquainted with their given names. Names which do not grate on the sensibilities or categorise the owner as belonging to the lower strata of the social economic firmament.
Category 2. Where one parent is endowed with a shit name. Anything reminiscent of weather or real estate ie: ‘Storm’, ‘Rain’, ‘Cloud’, ‘Drizzle' and ‘Turning Out Fine Later In The Day’ is beyond comprehension. Similarly, Devon, Brittany, Paris, London or Tipton is below contempt. Furthermore, 'imaginative' spelling and the introduction of superfluous punctuation is worthy of note in this regard ie Jaxon, Hellzel, Kartier, I'munique and Ma-kala.
Category 3. The nightmare scenario: Both parents imbued with diabolical, gut wrenching, teeth clenching, vomit inducing, eye rolling monikers. Names derived from soap operas or D list celebs come into this category. For example, Chardonnay, Chontelle/Chantelle, Loshandra, Eboleisha, LaShaquanishia. It is noted that the latter names in this sequence have ethnic connotations which may lend an additional contributory compounding effect on intelligence quotients.
Metanalysis and cross statistical non-parametric tests where implemented to squeeze the data into any subjective paradigm which appealed to us at the time of publishing.  

Fig1. As can be clearly seen
A strict hierarchical stratification was clearly observed between the 'categories' outlined above and intelligence quotients. Even after taking into account subsequent and impinging collateral environmental modifiers the relationship remained clear and strong. Thus the lowest parental IQs were revealed for Category 3 parents. In truth, IQ metrics within this group bordered on those expected in unicellular organisms.
Category 2 parents faired better on testing however, in concordance with data observed for Category 3, the parent with the crap name was invariably the partner with the lowest IQ.
In accordance with the observed sequence it was predicted that parental Category 1 would have the highest IQs according to ranking. And in this regard we were not disappointed. In fact some of the parents would be eminently suitable to be employed in the most menial, dirty and poorly paid of occupations.

A distinct and positive correlation between farcical parent names and resultant IQ has been unequivocally demonstrated. Our research indicates that parental names directly affect and impinge on developing IQ which transcends generations. However, we acknowledge that lip curling names may simply act as a marker fortuitously segregating with IQ. Other influencing factors, which to date, remain unknown may be responsible for the observed association. However, that being the case, the factors influencing the conjoining of the two factors seem unnecessarily complex and obtuse therefore contradicting Occam's rule of parsimony. Unless evidence insinuates to the contrary, the theory requiring the least number of assumptions will be adhered to. There is little doubt that parents bestowing shit names on their retarded offspring are similarly afflicted. I will be bold and state : Frank intellectual deficit associates with this parameter and poor name choice is in some way causative, all else being equal. We further contend that IQ predictions can be made with a remarkable degree of statistical accuracy by simply reviewing an individual's name. The influence of environmental factors in this regard is deemed to be negligible and genetic determinants, paramount. Further research is warranted to elucidate any further underlying causative mechanisms, if they exist.
Speculation is rampant concerning the impact names have on the progression of social and subsequent life quality parameters. It is predicted that individuals endowed with nice, socially acceptable names, such as Tom, Emma, Harry, Rose, William and Catherine will enjoy higher and more sustained positive life experiences than someone named, Watermelondrea, Gaylon, Gaylord, Jaylene and Candace. Furthermore, we predict that recipients of wealth-fare and state handouts are more likely to be aggrieved with an incredibly shite name. We further contend and predict that several generations of the same family, riddled with poor name 'choices' are also likely to be a burden on the state and ultimately the poor beleaguered tax payer.
We are aware that our conclusions open up a whole new vista of research that will occupy the next clutch of Phd students for a thousand years....... 
This research was supported by a grant from the Association for Research and Science into the Esoteric (A.R.S.E). 
Dr Flaxen is currently on long term sabbatical leave at the Institute for the Terminally Bemused and Befuddled.


  1. The names in this 2002 Dudley Earthquake Appeal are a giveaway:

    I've long thought that Yurt and Pashmina would be good names for the children of wispy middle-class wasters; further down the scale, Cushelle, perhaps.

    1. Sadly Mr S, the line between spoof and reality has become very thin.

  2. My new grandson's been named Zachary - not to my liking but not too chavvy.

    The graph shows lung cancer rising with coal output, but nowadays it's mainly diesel particulates which correlate - it's obviously not smoking as anyone not brainwashed can see.

    Regards, Ethelstan Ritzy Gogglebox Ponce the Turd, sorry Third

    1. Indeed Ethelstan. I searched on Gogle for a 'nonsense' graph and there it was in all perfection. I had to have it.

  3. But you hid the decline!