Tuesday, 6 October 2015

The Ballad of Lugless Douglas

 by Oscar Smiled

Can you hear me, Dougie?
              He wore his scarlet shell suit,
              Stained with beer and food,
              And nicotine stained his hands
              When they found him in the road,
              The poor man had lost an ear,
              And the bloody stump did exude.

              He tottered amongst the drunken men,
              An earhole rent and tore;  
              A knotted hanky was on his head,
              An orifice spewing gore;
              But I never saw a man
              Spewing forth such bright red ichor.

              I never saw a man who bled
             With such wistful aplomb
             Upon the street that night
             And nowhere a soothing balm,
             Yet at every pump of blood that vent
             A bloody mess did he become.

             He walked, with staggered step,
             Within a world of pain,
             And wondered where his ear had gone                                                                             
             It had disappeared down the drain,
             When a low voice whispered so,
            ‘Dougie will never hear again.’

             Dear me! the poor man
             Suddenly began to reel,
            And Dougie’s ear had been struck orf
            With the finest burnished steel;
            And through the red mist,                
            The stump appeared like fresh cut veal.

            Don’t feel sorry for Dougie       
            For Dougie has been a sinner
            Penance did not abide in him
           And thus his ear became a rat’s dinner,
           A fate he truly deserved,
           The fate of a severed pinna.

"There is only one thing worse than having a big fat arse and that is having no arse at all"


  1. Defo not putting that to music! I'm still recovering from the Happy Birthday song!

    1. C'mon Chas, you could do it instead of the Christmas song. Or you could do both- I can see my my ballad covered by 'Slade'. Collaborate with Noddy 'cup o soup, Holder. The cheque is in the post.

    2. Too late. I've already done the video. It's a real winner this year. I'm expecting loadsa dosh...

  2. Just as well that Dougie had perfect eyesight then...

  3. Have you not heard: The Ballad of Blind Douglas'.

  4. Then his glasses DID fall off...