Thursday, 12 March 2015

Election fever cometh......

Mr Vole-Strangler canvassing for votes
The forthcoming General Election has forced the main political parties to publically state and defend their respective manifestos; lay bare their constitutional aims and to display their political wares on the stall of public scrutiny for all the electorate to view and digest. Fuck bucket.

Electioneering starts in earnest in the picturesque Spa town of Dudley. The incumbent Conservative Mayor, Mr Enoch Vole-Strangler, is campaigning on the dual ticket of annexation of Tipton and free pizza for the electorate. In addition, he will maintain the status quo and ensure that the council's ‘expense’ budget remains unaccountable/uncountable by the auditors. He will also invoke the hereditary principle whereby all his legitimate offspring are guaranteed candidature in safe seats, for life, in nice profitable upper middle class neighbourhoods.

Vole-Wrangler faces stiff opposition from a glittering array of political parties featuring:-

The Dudley Independence Party fronted by Mr Eli Mirage: Mr Mirage is also standing on the free pizza platform (next to the 3.30pm train to Stourbridge), but in contrast to Mr Vole-Dangler, this concession will not extend to dirty, filthy gypos and those swarthily complected (not a  real word). Also, he remains committed to removing Dudley from the West Midland Economic Union. He avers that that the good citizens of Dudley have devolved too much power to the ‘fat ferrets’ of Birmingham City Municipal Council. He vows to regain Dudley’s political independence and stem the flow of funds to the coffers of Westmidlands- funds which are being squandered on free pizza for the whole metropolitan district.

Bureaucratic 'fat ferret'
Mr Youhudi  Bignose from the 'Labour party’ (aka The raving monster loony party) has declared that, if elected, his party would squander the town’s gelt on grandiose public funded schemes; cancel all debt and introduce a prohibitive tariff on anyone with a job and not disposed to demanding benefits with menaces. The feckless and workshy will profit greatly from his proposals and, in addition to free pizza, will receive a 100% increase in largesse together with a promise that they will never have to work again. Furthermore, 50% of Dudley’s GDP will be siphoned off to General Despot Mugumbo of the Democratic Republic of Mumbojumboland in West Africa. The Labour party will keep its fingers crossed and hope that the psychotic, egocentric General will filter the money down to his oppressed and poverty stricken people and not spend it on a lavish lifestyle, a gold Rolls Royce and developing nuclear weapons. 
The Green party stand on the platform above, except that free pizza will be completely made of tofu and lentils. In addition, the voting franchise will be extended to all trees, except the native ones. It will be a capital offense to speak ill of vegetable matter. All electric power will be derived from perpetual motion machines thus negating the use of fossils fuels which represent unfair exploitation of long dead plant material.   

Let me introduce your Green candidate
A life long resident of Dudley, Mrs Edna Fuckwit, said in a recent poll: “I’m voting for that nice Mr Mussolini. At least he made the trains run on time. I hope this time they don’t hang him upside from a lamp post and shoot him." 

Mussolini extolling the virtues of free pizza

The good Burghers of Dudley await the election results with trembling, intrepid, trepidation……… Arse.


  1. It doesn't matter who we vote for: the government will get in - again!

  2. Ted, vote for Mussolini. As I recall the train ride from Dudley to Tipton was never on time. Let us hope they cut him down in time to rig the ballot. Viva Democracy!

  3. Democracy? What a novel idea.
    Has it ever actually been tried anywhere?