Top Sneer

Snarkson and Hamster

Jeremiah Snarkson has finally been sacked from the popular television series, 'Top Sneer'. Mr Snarkson joined the Tipton Broadcasting Corporation (TBC) on that fateful day in 1956 and quickly advanced to become the querulous but quirky presenter of the ever popular, local weekly current affairs programme, aptly named: 'The local Tipton weekly current affairs programme'. In this regard, he was ably assisted by his co-presenter, Richard, 'The Ferret' Hamster.

In 1985, Snarkson became the lead presenter of the innovative series, 'Top Sneer'. As you will no doubt recall, the whole thrust of the programme revolves around Snarkson leering and shouting abuse at a never ending stream of poor benighted folk empowered with a litany of lamentable deformities. The viewing public loved it. But Snarkson was always a controversial, polarising and flamboyant character. The TBC issued endless warnings about his reprehensible and increasingly bizarre behaviour. It all came to a festering head when Snarkson was filmed eating a baby during a live broadcast. The viewing public loved it. However, for the executives at the TBC this was the straw that finally broke the ferret's back. In an announcement today, the Director General of the TBC, Mr Farleft Mugumbo had this to say: "In view of Mr Snarkson's questionable behaviour during peak time viewing the TBC executive committee has decided, with deep regret, not to renew Mr Snarkson's contract". The future of the programme remains in the balance. Without Snarkson, many feel that the show will lose its cannibalistic edge and lustre/lucre.

Mr Snarkson, on hearing the TBC's shock decision had this to say: "It wasn't as if I  ate a white baby". Mr Snarkson is likely to be offered a part in the prime time television soap opera: 'The Young and the Feckless'. Mr Snarkson will portray a dashing, debonair and wickedly violent cannibal who, recklessly, fecklessly, relentlessly and without favour porks his way through the entire cast.   

 

            

Mr Mugumbo contemplating plastic surgery

On Miracles

I was trawling through 'Arsebook' the other day when I came across an article about Christianity. Specifically, it addressed several hypothetical questions which atheists could conceivably ask Christians. One particular section made me chortle out loud. It concerned the plausibility of miracles as related in the bible. As you are no doubt aware, the bible is replete with miraculous events performed by the Son of God et al. Anyway, I will quote the response in full:

"That’s what’s so special about miracles: they don’t make sense! Frankly, miracles wouldn’t be miracles if they were physically possible. Whenever Jesus performs a miracle in the gospels, the crowds or disciples are in awe precisely because of how unbelievable these actions were".

So there we have it. A well thought out and cogent response to the doubters. In essence then, miracles are possible because of their inherent implausibility. There is a strain in Christianity, and other religions, which is anti-reason and takes pride in inverting sound rationality. Tis a Christian virtue and true believers revel in this nonsense. We become 'wise through ignorance', is a constant refrain.  

Before considering arguments concerning the implausibility of  miracles it is a good idea to have a valid definition. Some theologians define 'a miracle' as divine intervention in the natural course of events. As this definition  presupposes the existence of god it is not likely to appeal to the thorough going rationalist or atheist. Personally, I prefer the following definition: Miracle- An event that is not explicable by natural or scientific laws. According to this definition, defying the odds would not be a miracle. The sole survivor of a plane crash should consider himself lucky, but this not a miracle. The other passengers who didn't survive would surely agree, if they could.

To my mind the following scenarios would be considered miraculous: Bringing the dead back to life. In this regard, I'm not thinking about the heart attack patient who is revived by medical skill. I'm considering medical death. If your heart had stopped beating for three days and you suddenly became animated, then this would be a miracle. Similarly, if you walked on water without  physical means of support, again this would be miraculous. Hallelujah!   

Therefore, a miracle is a temporary suspension of 'natural law'. It is wise to consider the implications of this deceptively simple statement. Everything we know about the world is subject to causality. The laws of science enable us to make sense of the visible world. They also encompass predictability. If I hit my thumb with a hammer, pain will inevitably ensue. But what if the 'laws' which define reality become arbitrarily suspended on the whim of a deity; what are the consequences. Surely if a dead man can be raised once then it could happen again. If natural law does not always apply then we enter a chaotic world where every inconceivable action becomes possible. Everything which can be scribbled on paper becomes the new reality. I contest this possibility with a vehemence born of madness (Arse). It is easy to state a miracle, but the proof lies with the evidence. 'Show me the evidence, show me the evidence'....... As none is forthcoming, the notion should be expunged from the realm of the rational.

Miracles cannot occur. Natural law is never suspended (perhaps the infinitesimal quantum world remains an exception). I contend that if one miracle could be shown to occur in the real, macro world, then everything we know about the natural order of things collapses into an incoherent morass.  

So, I will leave the last word to the great British Empirical Philosopher of the 18th century: David Hume. What he says is still valid today. His principles are timeless and echo down the centuries. In his wisdom, all rational folk can find refuge in a world gone mad. He was also a fat bastard.     

"No testimony is sufficient to establish a miracle, unless the testimony be of such a kind, that its falsehood would be more miraculous than the fact which it endeavours to establish."

David Hume

No, they fucking don't

There's gold in that shit....

There can be no doubt that there is money in shit. Although few would rummage in their own faeces to get it; pity.

The shit flowing to the sewerage plant contains precious metals, various in nature and worthy of commercial exploitation. Precious metals in nanoparticle form are added to all manner of products ranging from shampoo to jam. Furthermore, lost and discarded jewellery add to the milieu, forming a rich seam of readily accessible gold. Tis a prospector's dream.    

It has been estimated that 1 million citizens flush 13 million dollars of precious metals down the loo every year. A study involving sewage samples found that 1kg of shit contained 0.4mg of gold, 28mg of silver, 638mg of copper and 49mg of vanadium.

Panning your poo doesn't sound attractive, but you will be amply rewarded if you follow my simple and much loved methodology. Be warned, you are likely to see a few unwelcome 'guests', as well as the few glistening specks of gold. This route is not for the faint hearted and those burdened with a keen sense of smell.

First you need to collect an appreciable amount of the families' shit. Initially, I  recommend a months worth for the novice shit ferreter. Next, you need to dry out the generally, very moist faeces. I suggest layering in a standard baking tray and cooking on gas mark 7 for at least 4 hours. If you adhere to my instructions you will be rewarded with a dry friable cake. Crumble mercilessly until a fine powder is exultant. You are now ready for the next stage. It is important to degrade the organic matter present in order that the precious metals can be released. Place the powder in an appropriate receptacle. It is probably not a good idea to use the saucepan dedicated to boiling sprouts and assorted brassica. Cover with water, add borax and sodium chloride crystals. Boil vigorously for 4 hours- don't be put off by the smell.

Stage two of the process

 We now enter the critical stage of the whole enterprise. The resultant fine sludge should be sieved through the finest mesh you can find. Use copious amounts of water and agitate liberally. If you have followed my recipe assiduously you will find a few specks of glistening material. You are well on your way to becoming a precious metal magnate.

As an aside........

I understand that this protocol is not for everyone and those of a squeamish disposition may balk at the very idea. Luckily I have been examining my shit for years as a means to monitor my internal parasite load. Inevitably/invariably we are all infested with an assortment of parasitic worms. Ideally you should examine your first proffering of the day. Examine your waste with a high powered hand lens. Take note of any pale ovoid eggs. If you are very lucky you may actually come across a live wriggley- deep joy. Use a standard Parasitology textbook for the identification of species. As a general rule, you should not have more than one egg per gram and no more than three parasitic species in one offering. Happy faecal hunting!

Say hello to a few 'freinds/fiends'

      

PC or not PC? What is the answer?

"The social disease of political correctness has entered daily life, inverting good to bad and attempting to rewrite proud histories as an imposition of white supremacy for which we all should make contrition"

Robert Agostinelli

It will come as no surprise to those who bother to read my mixture that I am not a fan of so-called, ‘Political Correctness’. It is an invidious concept designed to force the majority to fit the agenda of the vocal and strident minority. It strives to produce a homogeneous mass of like minds without a contrary view within its collective head. It stifles discourse and desires to turn us all into bland wishy-washy, leftist, liberals. We should never express a view counter to, or ‘offensive’ to, any group that is considered as 'different'.

Tis a matter of perspective, surely?  

The crass PC mob would enforce their narrow definitions on the rest of us by legislative force if they can- and sometimes they do. And if denied this opportunity they brow beat with shouts of ‘racism', ‘sexism’ or any other ism which happens to be in vogue with a few university professors and their 'right on'  lackeys.

PC is an imposition of thought tyranny and aims to prevent anyone expressing an individual idea if it is deemed as causing offense, by the few. It is against the free expression of choice and speech and smothers critical debate at all levels of society. It attempts to crush humour and satire: vehicles which have always been societies’ safety valves and avenues for free thought.

If we are not allowed to upset anyone, how can we please anyone, especially ourselves? With the loss of our basic freedoms, we lose our individual identity and ultimately our dignity. The PC mob is not interested in fostering frank debate or allowing a dissenting view. All must be subsumed to their thought control. And what does it actually achieve? Do we become more thoughtful citizens bent on the expression of all things none-offensive?  It fosters/festers resentment and fear for the expression of our true feelings and beliefs. Many become adept at clipping their speech, but their thoughts remain the same. 

Stupid, but with a nice arse

My contribution to the Great Debate

Pejorative term- perhaps you should be the judge?              Recommended PC term

Filthy gypo bastard                                                                          Itinerant travellers who never steal

Dark folk                                                                                        Melanin enhanced individuals                                                                                                                                                             who enrich society with their                                                                                                                                                             white smiles and simple exuberance                                                                                            

Pakis                                                                                              Shopkeepers or cranium removers                                                                                                                                                        (not mutually exclusive)        

Fat bastards                                                                                   Adipose engorged           

Dumbarse                                                                                       Intellectually unencumbered     

Spakkers                                                                                        Handicapable

White trash                                                                                    White trash

Natural disaster                                                                             Global warming occurrence 

Arse, big fat, arse                                                                          Big fat arse

    

                                                                                 

Ferret in the hen house

Spotted in the local library- couldn't resist the share

Only my British readership will get the reference

A Tale of Mirth, Woe and Pain, but mostly Pain

Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) affect and blight the lives of up to 10% of our youth today. The social stigma and shame should not be underestimated. Also, knob rot hurts like fuck.

Here is my cautionary tale…….

Dat ain't me

Imagine a young Flaxen Saxon, brash, wickedly handsome, with long blond hair a flow, out with his mates on a Saturday night at the Brum Locarno Night Club and Abbatoir, circa 1974. All dressed in wide lapelled crushed velvet jackets and flairs.

Sometimes I’d leave at 3 o’clock in the morning covered in blood and snot. Sometimes I’d leave at 3 o’clock in the morning with a vaguely feminine form clamped to my arm. Once in the alley, at the back of the nightclub, I would distract my ‘date’ with a humorous impression of Keith ‘Cheggers’ Chegwin. An impression I was particularly adept, whilst pissed.  In those days, I always kept a small squeezee bottle full of Domestos discretely inserted down my trousers. Whilst distracted, I would give my intended a quick squirt around the ‘bowl and rim’. I’ve always believed that prophylaxis is better than cure. Often I would add a couple of crushed Palma Violets just to show that I cared about feminine freshness.

As I’m sure you will remember, Domestos used to proudly announce that it killed 99.9% of all known germs. Alas, on one occasion I became a statistical anomaly. I had inkling that something was amiss, when two weeks later I expressed a small amount of bland, serous fluid. I thought the best course was to ‘wait and see’. Three months later my fireman’s helmet had the look of a busted pomegranate and issued forth a foul smelling odour. As I lapsed in and out consciousness a moment of serene lucidity descended. My tumescent and weeping member popped up, winked and wiped a thick, yellow tear from its eye: ‘you dozy, fat, blond twat, catch the number 127 bus from Dudley Castle to Birmingham General Hospital.’ And then it kissed me. I decided to take a premed of seven pints of Bank’s bitter before alighting in Corporation Street. Although late at night, my swollen member gave off a faint ethereal glow and I was mysteriously guided to Ward 19.

Dr Mugumbo took a long drag on his cigarette, squinted and softly exclaimed: ‘Mr 74/3879, that’s not clap, that’s applause.’  After a vigorous course of antibiotics and scouring, the end of my cock sloughed off. Thereafter I was as good as new. Chastened, I never performed Keith Chegwin impersonations again.     

Take home message: Substitute the Parma Violets with 2 parts battery acid and 1 part Vim. Oh yes, and always listen to your cock.

Virus

A virus that infects bacteria and the common flu virus 

Lay folk often consider evolution as a progressive process: a determinative mechanism forever forging more complex systems culminating in highly evolved and intelligent organisms. This is not how evolution works. Evolution is not deterministic in any meaningful, progressive sense. It is essentially a blind, indifferent process which does not necessarily result in more complex organisms, just those more successful, and those best able to cope with the current environmental challenge. This process is illustrated well by contemplating the 'Virus'. There is little doubt that viruses are successful from an evolutionary perspective. However, they are relatively simple entities even when compared to bacteria. Notice, I called viruses entities and not life. Most biologists don't consider viruses as constituting life at all, as defined by biological criteria. Their activities occupy a border area between chemistry and life. Humans like to categorise and place things into neat and orderly arranged boxes. Classification systems are a useful way to order knowledge and enable our brains to cope and explain complex phenomena. However, classification, although not necessarily arbitrary, is an artificial but useful, human construct. Things which defy natural classification make us feel intellectually uncomfortable. Viruses defy neat and discrete classification. They seem to oscillate somewhere between chemical reactions and basic existence; our minds balk at the irregular and unclassified. I find it fascinating that something not considered alive is subject to evolutionary forces, nonetheless. Perhaps our current definition of what constitutes life requires a rethink.   

Although not live in any conventional sense, they are capable of having a major biological impact. A virus consists of strands of DNA or RNA encapsulated in a protein matrix, or coat. That is about as complex as they get. They require a host cell to begin to manufacture and replicate. Once inside the host, the few genes they carry hijack the cellular apparatus and persuade the cell to manufacture viral genetic material and a new shiny, protein coat. This process continues until the host cell bursts to release the new assembled viral particles which disperse to infect cells of their own. And so the process continues...... This is what happens when a virus causes disease. Viruses are truly parasitic if they cause harm to the host. Most viruses don't act this way. They simply hitch a ride. The DNA links into the host cells’ DNA, and there the viral DNA stays, integrated in a form of suspended animation. They don't cause disease and go unnoticed by the host organism.

The ability of viral particles to exchange pieces of genetic material is thought to be an important process in evolution itself. Not only can they drop off bits of their own DNA, they can transfer host DNA between species. It is thought that about 10% of the human genome consists of DNA inserted by viruses. Some of this foreign genetic material has been with us for many millions of years and over eons has mutated and evolved into active genes.  

Alive, or no, viruses are, from an evolutionary point of view, very successful. A recent estimate suggests that there are about 320,000 different 'types' of viruses which are capable of infecting mammals. When you consider that virtually every organism on earth, including plant life and bacteria, contain viruses then the total number of diverse types is staggering to ponder. At best we can only estimate, but even a conservative guess would place the final number in the many millions and this could rise to the billions. Now, that is an evolutionary success story, especially as they have been around for at least 3 billion years. This is not bad for something that doesn't fulfil the biological criteria for life. All this achieved by simplicity, non-intelligence and non-sentient incomprehension. You can be assured that viruses will continue not to be alive long after the last human has relinquished his/her hold on real life.     

But please don't tell the religious fundamentalists. They won’t believe you anyway as they still think the earth is only 6,000 years and that man has a special and exalted position on God’s earth. Don't tell it to the virus either, they won't listen, they don't have to.

Hey, hang on guys, where are your mates? I've got a list