Saturday, 17 April 2021

Grapes of Wrath

Don't Put Frozen Tatties up yer Bottom! 

The advice as stated above is undoubtedly sound. Tis not the ravings of Flaxen's unsound mental activity but advice given by the British Medical Association. You might wonder why the medical establishment is so moved to issue this rather strange proclamation? This is not some weird fetish, although folk of a certain proclivity are apt to shove various items/utensils up their arse for erotic pleasure. The emergency department is replete/recondite with tales of folk slipping in the shower onto a light bulb/coffee jar/alabaster bust of Napoleon. Folk keep the strangest stuff in their shower. 

But why is the medical profession concerned with frozen potatoes? It doth appear that folk sundry are stuffing the aforementioned frigid vegetable up da arse to relieve the malady known as haemorrhoids. The flaxen haired one has never suffered from this indisposition, however I have friends so afflicted. I've been told that the combination of the itch and the pain is enough to propel a man into god hood. 

Haemorrhoids, from a medical perspective are no more than varicose veins that descend outside the anal cavity. There are numerous home remedies that include shoving the offending veins back in with a stick and afterward applying a cold honey compress. One hopes that the stick is checked first for irregularities; the recipient has to be hyper-vigilant for offending splinters. Actually this makes good sense as honey is an excellent antibiotic and anti-inflammatory. The 'cold chip' scenario seems less sensible. Mayhap the cold comestible offers some relief and the bulk of the item retains its negative calorific value for awhile. I will refrain from making inappropriate, 'wedgie jokes'. 

I suppose the problem is that sufferers are too embarrassed to approach the doctor with said ailment, which is sad, as there are a plethora of medically effective treatments, such as, the administering of a  soothing balm to the nether regions, to salves, and finally, depending on the severity of the condition, cauterisation. Thus, the 'hot poker' up da arse is sometime warranted. 

I will finish on a sage note, as befits my nature:

Arse, big, sore/itchy, arse

no shit


  1. I add this only that it might help others.
    In my middle age period my job meant driving long distances, eating too much and drinking a lot of beer.
    I developed early signs of piles.
    I practiced tightening my ring and lower abdomen muscles and then shoved the swollen vein back with a soapy finger.
    It worked. And since then regularly do the ring exercise. Which I since found has a fancy name.I put the problem down to sitting down too much, having too much gut pressing down on my poor arsehole.

    1. You poor bugger. My mate was so afflicted, he was also a trucker and long periods sitting down did not help. Like your good self he developed a technique to ameliorate the problem. I've never suffered from piles and it is my fervent hope that I never will.

  2. I'm reminded of the story from the late, great, Bob Monkhouse how he mistook his haemorohoid cream for lip balm. He said his lips were lovely and smooth, but his mouth got smaller and smaller.

    1. Funny fella, though I always felt he was a better comedic writer than a comedy performer.