Wednesday, 2 November 2016

Consummate Professional

Welcome to my world

The things I do for the furtherance of science. I have been called upon once again to provide a control sample for a protocol. In the course of developmental and diagnostic genetic testing we often run a control in parallel with the patient’s sample. Fairly normal procedure and as most of our work is performed on blood samples this is not a particularly onerous task. However, in this instance the patient sample under consideration happens to be semen. All other males in the department have had their tubes tied off to prevent the production of further issue. I have not exercised such/much foresight. Therefore, the responsibility for the provision of a control sample has once again descended to rest firmly on my lithe, sinewy, slightly oiled body. To my shame and eternal damnation I did consider asking my student to provide (sorry Matt). But let’s be honest that’s not particularly fair. At least I get paid for my faltering, spluttering effort.

Tis not easy to produce a sample on demand in the clinical setting especially as there is nowhere set aside for this sort of thing. At least Fertility Clinics have a dedicated room, grandly titled: 'The Mastabatorium’. The dreaded deed has to be performed in the not too salubrious male toilet stuck in the middle of a busy corridor - not very conducive to semen production and any groans elicited need to be suppressed with gusto. At least the managers have removed the security cameras. I would hate to have my performance paraded on YouTube. You may think there is not much call for my bathroom shenanigans and feeble/febrile flailing, but you should never underestimate the power of the niche market. Anyway, I’m starting to digress. The point being: It is hard (pun intended) to perform under these circumstances. I did suggest that one of the young nubile research assistants help in this regard. Sadly no volunteers came forward, except one. The elderly tea lady offered her services, but I gratefully declined. I explained that her rotund form would not fit within the capacious male cubicle. I also pointed out that her chronic wheezing might attract unwanted attention from random folk passing by on legitimate business. Thankfully, she concurred. Luckily internet porn is easy accessed on my shiny IPhone. Not perfect to be sure, but it gets the job done, eventually

I’m hoping that this new test does not become too popular as I'm not getting any younger.

Miss Mugumbo, the tea lady. Know my pain


  1. The wonderful world of bodily functions.

  2. I always thought of you as a bit of a wanker!

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