Friday, 4 November 2016

Flaxen Saxon’s: ‘Cooking Asian Extravaganza ’

Where's the two veg?

Cuisine on a budgie
As my gentle readers have no doubt guessed, I’m a cosmopolitan, urbane and sophisticated type of fellow. I have eaten in MacDonald’s and KFC outlets throughout the known world. Therefore, I am more than qualified to comment on filthy, dirty, foreign food. For today’s culinary edification and gastronomic bypass, I’m going to consider food from the arse end of the world- Asia (Arse).
Read and Weep or Bon Appetit depending on perspective?

Vietnamese Cuisine, or cooking with napalm:
There is a certain skill involved with napalm cooking. Leave the meat one second too long and it is transformed from lightly charred to charcoal. The advantage of this cuisine is that you don’t have to kill the animal beforehand, thus zero preparation. This suits the lazy cook or the too busy on the go sort of individual. And let’s be honest we all lead hectic lives, these days. Scurrying about, going hither and thither like demented ferrets on acid.
I recommend using a projectile flamethrower type device for ‘basting’ the animal to perfection. Simply cover with a two second blast of seasoned napalm. For the best results I suggest just a pinch of rosemary. Please don’t use garlic; it detracts from the piquancy of this delicate dish. Allow the animal to run round screaming until it sticks to the nearest tree and then peel the meat off in hearty succulent chunks. Serve with rocket and shallots. A perfect meal for a picnic or for on the run/amok mom. Guaranteed to linger on the palate, long time.
Korean Food:
The Koreans are noted for their versatility when contemplating ingredients. Although to be fair, the main ingredient is usually dog. All breeds are suitable however, the younger the better. Dogs over a year old require prior steaming for at least two hours.
Bichon Fries:
Today I’m going to consider the ever popular dish, ‘Ten Minute Noodle Poodle’. First, obtain a litter of poodles. Your local dog pound should be able to access fresh specimens on demand. Choose wisely. The friendly puppy in the litter; the one who wags his/her tail and enjoys a pat is more likely to be compliantly and complacently tasty- yum.
Simply simmer for a good 10 minutes. This is sufficient to allow the effective removal of the pelt. Serve on a bed of noodles and spray with a little extra virgin olive oil for glazed, poodle noodle. Exquisite!
Chinese Food-Cake of Nanking
Simply take one Chinese town, rape lightly over a Japanese bayonet and place the heads in neat trite piles. Set alight to infuse with rich smoky flavours. Allow 70 years and pray for forgiveness. [Steady Flaxen, you are starting to stray from the path of culinary delights and into the realm of the surreal politics- Desist or I’ll increase the medication, again. Arse].  
Japanese Udon it?
Simply procure one diminutive simpering Japanese sniper. I understand it can be exasperating obtaining good quality Second World War Japanese snipers at this time of year. Ands let's face it who can find the time to traipse off deep into the Burmese jungle looking for a prime specimen. You may have to compromise and obtain the plentiful, but inferior variety, obtained from the quaint town of Dudley as it nestles like a chancre in the dermis of the be-hovelled West Midlands.
Remove the thick pebble glasses- they can be dangerous if ingested. Be careful when cutting out any rhotacisms, otherwise you will be velly solly. Anyway, before I digest, tis best to cook the sniper in its own juices and expose to 1500 roentgens for about an hour. Or those with an old fashioned nuclear weapon, 13 grays. Some advocate the addition of a mushroom plume however, in polite circles, tis considered ostentatious. Add a little Emperor Hirohito's special sauce. Believe me, it's worth it, and will ultimately turn you into a god or war criminal depending on the nuance and vagaries of historical and political expediency. Nuff said.

Al dente

Next week on 'Cooking with a Plum', Flaxen will see if he can offend a new continent, with aplomb.
It might be Antartica, can't say


  1. Surely times aren't so hard that you've cooked Shagger??

  2. Be assured Ted, Shagger remains vital and ever ready to give the occasional nip: 'Bad ferret'. The animal in the image is a rat called Bob.

  3. " give the occasional nip..."

    So we're back to the diminutive simpering Japanese sniper, are we?

    1. Must be Slagger the fellet- he bite you long time.