Sunday, 5 June 2016

Flaxen Saxon's Top Tips

Many a night whilst ensconced in the snug bar of the Whelping Ferret hostelry, Tipton, quietly reflecting upon the vicissitudes of existence over a pint of 'Gerbil Wobbler', I've been approached by sundry inebriates. Some just want to establish fellowship with another human being before shuffling off to a urine soaked mattress, alone, in a dank bedsit. Others want to impart beer soaked wisdom to a complete stranger. And then, there are those, so pissed, that they have absolutely no idea where they are and beseech with barely coherent entreaties. They bewail and bemoan and kick at the wastrel which we know as fickle fortune. Usually, unless I've lost the power of speech due to extreme intoxication, I tell them to piss off and leave me to my contemplate the vestigial absurdity of my accessory and redundant nipple.   

Sometimes a glimmer of wisdom impinges on my alcohol drenched neuronal synapses and on those rare occasions I am driven to share and impart the sagacity of a 1,000 drunken nights. Read on and weep, or experience despair according to your own peculiar and sad expectation. 

Here follows Flaxen Saxon's top tips as related by random drunks.
Today's 'Top Tips' were submitted by Mr Burny O'Arsonist of Upper Tipton. 

When returning from the pub after a heavy drinking session and craving for a fry up, why not remove the batteries from the smoke alarms so that when you inevitably fall asleep on the couch you wont be inconveniently woken up when the frying pan catches alight. 

Sick and tired of lending your lawn mower to your next door neighbour and never getting it back? Why not soak your neighbour's porch in petrol and set their house alight. Probably a good idea to break into their garage beforehand and get your lawnmower back. Also a good idea to check that you live in a detached house otherwise you may end up by burning down your own home- dire consequences might ensue.  

Fed up of being accosted by 'Chuggers' in your High Street. Why not give the wanker false details and when they are not looking douse their clipboard with lighter fuel thus setting them alight. That'll teach the bastards for stopping you and wasting your valuable time. 

Hate being stopped by saffron clothed Buddhist Monks whilst negotiating the Queen's Highways and Byways. Simply ask the orange bedecked twat to adopt the lotus position and while they are chanting "Ohm" pour petrol over them and set them alight. The serene bastards wont even realise they are being burnt to death. Explain to bewildered onlookers that the crispy monk is protesting about the high price of Yak milk in his homeland of Tiponistan. Hilarity will ensue.    

Next week's 'Top Tips' will feature the distilled wisdom of Mr Kevin Mugumbo (who else). In particular, Kevin will explain the therapeutic value of knitting nipple cosies. Tis particularly beneficial for folk blessed with an extra nipple. Kevin will emphasise the importance of inserting a chiffon lining to prevent painful and exciting chafing.
This is not me, by the way



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