Monday, 13 June 2016

Japanese Sniper Academy Discovered in Dudley

Breaking news from the picture perfect alpine resort of Dudley on Canal. An impeccable source close to the Kardashians has revealed to your esteemed correspondent, in a dream, irrefutable evidence concerning the existence of a bespoke Japanese sniper school in the very heart and pancreas of the Metropolitan District of the West Midlands.
Founded in the summer of 1944 the enemy enclave was set up to foster a nest of sniper vipers in the midst of the Empire for the propagation of mayhem and consternation. The wily Nips fooled the Dudley populace by calling their clandestine premises: 'Emperor Hirohito's authentic English Fish 'N' Chip and Sushi Bar'. How was it possible that an enemy bastion could remain undetected for 72 years? Not everyone was fooled. Mrs Haddock takes up the story as if was last week: "Last week I had occasion to enter Emperor Hirohito's authentic English Fish 'N' Chip and Sushi Bar. I asked for cod and chips drenched with mushy peas. Imagine my chagrin when I received a portion of flied lice with spling lolls. When I questioned the order, rhotacism notwithstanding, I was told in no uncertain terms: 'me no undy standy you white foreign devil, I shoot you long time'. I immediately contacted the local Dudley police station and explained my predicament". Police Constable Bloater, of the yard, takes up the story: "I was proceeding in an easterly direction down Dudley High Street when I had occasion to enter said establishment. On entry I noticed a rather diminutive gentlemen peering through thick pebble glasses as he reclined dressed in the full regalia and dress uniform of a private soldier in the Imperial Japanese army, circa 1944. I shouted, ere what’s all this then! At my exclamation he turned tail and fled through an intricate series of tunnels which ran below and throughout the Metropolitan District of Dudley. Before he sloped orf down the slope I noticed the slope had his sniper's rifle at the slope. I immediately called in the Dudley Special Flamethrower Squad. The boys, after a short hiatus due to the donning of protective asbestos gear, liberally sprayed the subterranean labyrinth with scorching jellified petrol. The whole scene was reminiscent of the battle of Iwo Jima without General Kuribayashi in attendance. The resulting screams could be heard in the neighbouring borough of Tipton. As tradition demands the boys roasted marshmallows over an open guttering flame. The mallows tasted great although some of the lads did complain about a cloying, sickly taint which pervaded all".

Emperor Hirohito, god and untried war criminal. Tojo was hanged.



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