Sunday, 26 October 2014

Arthur Askey: The years of contemplation

Big hearted Arthur after losing his legs and cock (and arse) in an unrelenting series of bizarre and freak accidents now contemplated life anew. Obviously the porn industry would no longer pester 'no cock' Arthur to take part in legless porn extravaganzas. Yet still he needed to make a legitimate living. He considered a career as a disc jockey, but was unable to hold on to the turntable. During a regrettable incident he was spun clear across the room, landing on his nose. Ouch!

He managed to acquire the services of a trio of ferrets which, once harnessed to his skateboard, gave him complete freedom to navigate the roads and byways of his native Tipton. Donner, Blitzen and Shagger (for it is none other) propelled said Arthur on a wild 'pony ride' throughout the West Midland environs, evading Birmingham by the narrowest of margins.

Shagger, before the accident

And so this idyllic life would continue unless punctuated by another strange and tortuous twist of fickle fate (arse, bugger). During a trip to the local supermarket, Shagger espied a rogue rodent and gave pursuit. On a particularly dangerous bend Arthur was thrown clean orf and unfortunately landed on a used/disused condom. His spinal cord was severed at C2 and consequently he became paralysed from the nose down. He would never twitch again without the aid of electrical stimulation. Of course an electrode up the arse was completely out of the question due to his artificial rectum (see previous post: Arthur Askey: The Wilderness Years).  As my astute readers will recall, on this occasion Arthur was buggered senseless by a wandering troop of camp homosexuals.

                                                          Now you share my pain 

Arthur, whilst lying in his hospital bed contemplated his life, thus far. He needed to make a living. But what could a legless, cockless, arrrselss (arse), paralysed washed up comic, do?  Indeed a conundrum, which could only be solved after much thought..... Of course, legs, a cock and a serviceable rectum would help.

To be continued.......


  1. Oh dear poor Arthur he needs Dr Pawel Tabakow, he can grow nerves in Arthurs nose and...OH wait no that won't help Arthur has no legs at this point. :)

  2. "What could a washed up comic do?" Start a blog perhaps...