In the Great Hall Flaxen sat gingerly upon the feasting chair. His bloodied scrotum bearing the bite marks of a thousand whippets. An ice pack did balance precariously on his great testicles and moved rhythmically with each throb of his wounded bollocks. His son, Althelstan ‘The Unsteady’ and the House Carls stood in resplendent array surrounding their great Jarl taking care not to get too close to his testicles, which were very tender, by the way.
Flaxen Saxon: “We have won a great victory today my warriors and the gypo dead lie ten deep around the midden pit. It will be a long time before the gypo hordes dare land their long caravans on Tipton shore…”
Athelstan: My father, do I have your permission to take my leave. My roots need tender ministrations and I’m afraid they may be irreparably damaged. Also carrying your war board has chafed my thighs something awful and chipped the varnish on my nails even unto the cuticle. May I suggest you invest in Jutish shields? Jutish shields are covered with the finest kid leather and come in a range of rich, pastel shades.”
Flaxen Saxon: “Go, and pick up some bread and milk on your way back.”
Harold ‘The Herald’: My lord, what is to be done with the body of your beloved Brynhildr after the foul violation of her lifeless body in the midden pit by 20,000 gypos.
Flaxen Saxon: Alas, her chalice no longer overflows but fills several flagons. Place the gypos in the midden pit and position the cherished, ravished body of Brynhildr on top as befits her station.”
Harold ‘The Herald’: And what is to be done with the gypo long caravans my lord.”
Flaxen Saxon: “Strip them of their baubles and trinkets, except for the nodding dog ornaments on the dashboards. Don’t bother looking for tax discs, for you will find none there. Then drag the long caravans to the fields of the Jutes. When they wake in the morn they will be sorely miffed and will think the gypo hordes have descended. Scatter human and dog excrement throughout and place burned out vehicles willy nilly. This will give the illusion of authenticity and will piss off the Jutes mightily. That will teach them for not returning my lawnmower they borrowed.
To be continued…