Sunday, 28 February 2016

Happy Birthday, Flaxen Saxon

Arrrrrse

The dreaded day has arrived: Today, I'm 60. No big deal you say, just a number. But whatever way we parcel it up, I'm officially old, or am I? I write this from the comfort of my bed. My wife is preparing a cooked breakfast- breakfast in bed. I can't recall the last time this happened: Bacon, sausage, eggs and pigs pudding. Not a healthy concoction admittedly; hey I've made it thus far, so I must be doing something right. Later today my daughter, her partner and my granddaughter will be joining us for a BBQ. Sadly my son won't be with us as he is working in Perth, Western Australia.

As the hackneyed old phrase goes: ''If I'd known I was going to live this long I would have looked after myself better''. Actually, I'm not too bad. Still have all my hair and teeth and I'm reasonably fit, for my age. I'm going to have to get used to that expression: 'for my age'.

I dare say, later in the day, I'll crack open a couple of cold beers.........

God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.


                                                                               Arse

Friday, 26 February 2016

Lucius Aelius Sejanus

Sejanus before Star Trek

"Aelius Sejanus was a Tuscan (Etruscan) by birth. He obtained in his youth a commission in the Praetorian Guard, and rose from post to post till he became chief-in-command, first as his father's colleague and then alone. It was he who made the Praetorians the formidable force that many a time in after years gave the Empire at its will. He collected its scattered regiments into one corps, and gave it a camp outside the walls. He spared no pains to make himself the idol of the troops, not only in Rome, but in the provinces, and he succeeded so well, that his bust was commonly placed beside the Emperor's at headquarters to be common objects of veneration."

Aelius Sejanus of ancient Rome makes the perfect study in the use and misuse of power. The man, at his pinnacle, had it all and controlled the greatest Empire of the ancient world: Rome. But his position was always precarious, and he knew it. His time as Praefect of the largest military force in Rome gave him immense power due to the unique trust afforded by the Roman Emperor, Tiberius. I feel sorry for Tiberius. I get the impression that he never wanted to be Emperor. It was foisted on him by his ambitious mother, Livia. Although in truth, he really had little choice in the matter.

Augustus had established a dictatorship. By 26BC the Republic was no more and could never be reinstated. Dictatorship was the only political reality for Rome. If Tiberius didn't take the throne after Augustus' death, then someone else would. And by necessity, Tiberius and perhaps his whole family would be killed; this was the political reality in post-Republican Rome. Tiberius was a competent soldier and what we would call, an 'academic'. He was no fool and fully recognised the position he was in. He once said: "Ruling Rome was like holding a wolf by the ears". He almost lost that grasp.

The Praetorian Guard was originally scattered in lodgings outside the city. Sejanus took the important initiative of bringing 9,000 troops into a single barracks close to the city walls. Tiberius deserted Rome for the island of Caprae in 26 AD never to return. He had grown tired of Imperial administration and was happy to devolve this onerous task to the able and hardworking Praefect. In the absence of the Emperor, Sejanus became the master of Rome and therefore, by default, the Empire. It is easy to see how one man could be seduced by such power. Sejanus controlled access to the Emperor and anyone seeking the ear of Tiberius had to do so through him. In this way, Sejanus cemented a sycophantic following amongst the Senators of Rome. Any dissension in the ranks was swiftly dealt with and miscreants found themselves summarily brought before the courts on 'treason charges'. The outcome requires no imagination. Tiberius' family proved more of a challenge. Haughty and aristocratic they considered themselves immune from, or so they reckoned, from state-sanctioned destruction wrought by Sejanus, or more correctly, Sejanus' agents. Tiberius's son, Drusus, no doubt resented the power entrusted in this mere knight. Naturally, Drusus was feted to be the next Emperor. Drusus from his exalted status and perspective was under no illusion about Sejanus' ultimate intention. His unique and privileged position gave him the means to check the power of Sejanus, if only he had applied some subtlety. But subtlety was not part of a noble Roman's makeup and he was openly hostile to the Praefect. On one occasion, Drusus struck Sejanus during an argument. Sejanus' response was calculated and far-seeing; he seduced Drusus' wife, Livilia.

Sejanus was an intelligent and more importantly, a patient man. He would have to be. Even after he convinced Livillia to poison her impetuous husband he still had to remove other members of the Imperial family and it would have been prudent to do so before the death of Tiberius. If Tiberius died suddenly, and with heirs apparent  Sejanus would have a problem. Although he was in the perfect position to seize power, as he commanded Rome's troops  his position was not overly secure. Apart from Drusus, Sejanus had Germanicus’ children to deal with. Germanicus had been a popular soldier and member of the royal family who had died whilst on campaign under suspicious circumstances. Although Germanicus’ children were dissolute they still attracted love, prestige and respect from the common people and more importantly, the legions, especially the powerful Rhine army. He may have been secure in Rome, but Sejanus did not have enough loyal troops to fight a civil war if the Rhine legions marched south.

There is disagreement amongst modern scholars concerning Tiberius's motivation and stance toward Sejanus. Some reckon he was a simple dupe who left the running of the Empire to his able associate and ultimately trusted Sejanus, implicitly. Others suspect that Tiberius was playing a fine game. He would have found Sejanus useful but was under no illusion as to his true intention. Therefore, he gambled that Sejanus would not make a bid for power whilst he lived. A reasonable assumption, I think. I lean toward the second interpretation. Tiberius was a highly intelligent man and not without guile when it suited him. I can't believe that Tiberius was totally unaware of Sejanus' machinations even though secluded on the delightful island of Caprae. Perhaps Tiberius was a cunning old goat, after all? Of course, we will never know for sure. This neatly brings us to the ancient sources and the problem of interpretation. We are much reliant on the ancient authors, Tacitus, Suetonius, Josephus and Cassius Dio. All are unsympathetic commentators on both Tiberius and Sejanus. History is not a scientific appreciation of events but an interpretation. Clearly events happen, but motives and a consideration of the complex interaction between parties involved can be lost or conveniently, not reported. Historians are not as objective as they like to think, or above prejudice or  partisan involvement. As for the Roman writers, there is another consideration: they wrote for a limited audience. They wrote for the Imperial family and the Roman ‘ruling’ elite. And so they were inclined to reinforce and defer to the views of the incumbent Emperor. At the time of writing, Imperial feeling was overtly antagonistic to the memory of Sejanus and Tiberius. Roman writers walked a thin line between ‘artistic freedom’ and pandering to rulers who could end their livelihoods and even their lives. Modern revisionist historians have, on the whole, produced a more balanced and sympathetic view of the second Emperor, but not of Sejanus.    

Sejanus, working through agents, progressively discredited Germanicus’ male children in the eyes of the Emperor. Drusus, Nero (not the future emperor) and their mother, Agrippina were imprisoned and eventually suffered a pitiful fate. The only male sibling to escape was Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus  ( future Emperor, Caligula). Unfortunately for Sejanus and the future Empire, Caligula had been sent to Caprae and was impervious to Sejanus’ guile and machinations. 
           
It is said that Tiberius received a letter from a kinswoman (possibly Antonia) informing him of Sejanus' intent of taking over the reins of power from a senile old Emperor. Anyway, regardless how Tiberius arranged it, he secured the allegiance of Sejanus' second in command, Macro. Thus, Sejanus's fall was swift and brutal. In the Senate, one day (31AD), a letter from the Emperor was read out. At first, it praised Sejanus, but as it continued it became chiding and culminated in Sejanus' denunciation. Macro's troops were quick to react and Sejanus was promptly arrested and strangled. Poor Sejanus had always a flimsy power base secured by fear alone; at least among the Senators. Once arrested, any genuine support he may have had evaporated clean away. A purge followed and Sejanus’ family and friends were ruthlessly murdered. 

Sejanus’ legacy: The concentration of such a large military force outside Rome’s walls would have some unpleasant repercussions for the future of the Empire. The Praetorians soon learned to use their power to extort money from ruling and potential Emperors and eventually became ‘King makers’ by virtue of their power base within the heart of the Empire, civil wars notwithstanding. More than a few Emperors, from Claudius onwards, if they wanted to continue to rule and ultimately valued their lives would have to 'donate' a generous largesse to the troops.   






Thursday, 25 February 2016

POST UPDATE



 
Well, bugger me sideways with a sharp stick! As my diligent readers will recall, I posted about the delightful Jehovah’s Witnesses just a couple of weeks ago. In that post, I bemoaned the fact that I hadn’t received a visitation for many a long year. I put it all down to sinister motives and suspected I had been consigned to the ‘black list’ of doom. Jehovah/Yahweh must have heard my heart felt and plaintive cry and decided to send a visitation. Thankfully the Warrior Storm God curbed his wrath and in his infinite wisdom decided to send a couple of his devoted acolytes and not a plague of ferrets.

Consider my excitement when a couple of well-groomed fellas knocked heartily on my door last Saturday morn. I rushed to the door promptly followed by my three trusty hounds. Who could be knocking on my door at 10.00am on a bright Saturday morning- surely it could be none other?

I immediately recognised the pair of gentlemen as Jehovah's Witnesses and addressed them as such. In return, I received a beatific smile. The dynamic was quite interesting: A man in his late teens/early 20s stood close to the door while his much older companion stood a way back, at the top of the drive. The young man opened with one of JWs stock gambits and I replied in my usual fashion. Within a few minutes it was clear to the young fellow’s companion that his disciple was out of his depth and the older man came close to intervene verbally. At this stage, the young man deferred to his older companion and took no further part in the discussion. The other chap was a veteran of the door step and well versed in JW doctrine. However, so was I. We bantered back and forth for about 15 minutes and eventually the duo admitted defeat and made their retreat. During the second stage of the discussion, I could see that the young chap, although quiet, was listening intently to my ripostes to the standard JW arguments. I would like to think I made an impression. Anyway, as they turned to leave I looked the young man in the eye and said: “There is a whole big world outside of Jehovah’s Witness teaching. When you have read some secular wisdom and reflected upon it come and let me know what you think”. The lad was taken aback and stammered an incoherent reply. It was then he received a stern admonishing look from the elder. And so they left.

My wife, who had been lurking in the background, and occasionally giving me ‘that look’, eventually said: “You bastard, why don’t you tell them to fuck off like everyone else”? "But my dear, I was having so much fun”. To which she replied: “Weirdo”. 

Once out of earshot, I'm pretty sure the older gentleman would have given his younger companion a lecture about the dangers of 'worldly ways' and how the cunning devil is adept at using 'mortal instruments' to deflect the righteous from the one true path. And thus suitably chastened the young fellow would undoubedly refrain from casting a wide intellectual net and thus remain firmly rooted within the JW fold. But then again, you never know……………



Sunday, 21 February 2016

Death at a funeral



I attended a funeral today. Well not really. When we arrived the deed had been done and the deceased had already been rendered unto ash. 

What I attended was a celebration of life. The dour bit had gone and his friends and extended family were all there to say goodbye to a good and well-loved man. No religious sentiment here; a truly secular affair. So on a sunny and windy day just north of Wellington in a venue beautifully supported by the back drop of the wild Pacific Ocean (surely an oxymoron) I came to say goodbye. A series of poignant but upbeat speeches ensued. Not morbid, but soberly reflective on a man with a wicked and constant sense of good humour. Bruce's grandson (for it is he) made a great impression on me. If we leave anything behind it is our offspring. Here was a good young man; the spawn of another. Also, no one mentioned his passing but boldly stated that he had died. The Kiwis are the most practical and sensible people on earth and eschew religion in all its guises. Tis one of the many reasons I love living in New Zealand.

The Kiwis are not great at expressing emotion and not easily moved to tear. But on that day, I caught a few silent sobs. Not me though, I'm tough and anyway my contact lenses were playing up that day.

Characteristically of the daft old bugger he wanted a 'pre-funeral' so he could be there to hear what was said about him. Also, characteristically, he decided to hang around for his daughter's wedding. Although desperately sick he walked his daughter down the aisle. Two weeks to the day, he was dead.

As I talked to a few friends and shared our reminiscences, a couple of us recalled his earlier wish of receiving a Viking funeral. Looking out of the window of the 'Yacht Club', I could see his body ensconced on a longboat. Covered in pitch and tar, the sail would take Bruce's body out into the ocean whilst bowmen sent flaming arrows into the boat. And so it would sail, burning into the sunset. Sadly, on this day the waves were high and the prevailing wind was onshore and thus, the badly burnt corpse would have been tossed unceremoniously on the jagged rocks. Probably best he was cremated then.

The proceedings finished with a bugler playing: 'Last Post'. Moving and incredibly sad.

I'm not getting younger and I'm starting to attend more funerals than is good for anyone. I remember attending funerals for my grandparents and dad. But now I'm attending the funerals of my friends. Tis a reminder of my own mortality. But as one cheery soul told me: ''If I'm blessed/cursed with a long life, eventually the funerals will cease''. Of course, there is always the last one where attendance is obligatory.

As he lay dying surrounded by family, Bruce said: "Be sad, but not too much and not too long". Basically, this sums up my dead friend in a kernel. He was about life. He knew that this life is all we get and he enjoyed it - although he did have a questionable taste in beer; I forgave him in death.

Sadly, I couldn't stay long as I had to be back to work. So I could not celebrate death with alcohol, which is the custom. However, later, once sequestered in my study, I will lift a glass or three to a good old mate.



Saturday, 20 February 2016

Interview Technique


I was approached by my flaxen-haired son the other day. ''Father'' he said, ''I come seeking your wisdom on a grave matter''. The following exchange ensued:

FS: ''You are not gay, are you''?
FS jnr: ''Of course not, Papa. How silly for you to think this way. In fact, I intend to ask for the hand of my beloved Emily. If she refuses I will surely end my life''.
FS: ''She's not Welsh is she? And why are you talking like a heroine in a Jane Austin novel?
FS jnr: ''Enough of this insane banter. And no she is not Welsh. I have an interview tomorrow for a prestigious IT job and I would like some advice''.
FS: ''Well son you have come to the right person. Who better to ask than a mad old bugger with a tenuous grip on reality''.

So here is Flaxen Saxon's sage advice on interview technique. Arse.

1. When asked, ''How are you''. Say, ''Goal orientated''. See number 8.

2. Remember the interviewer's name and use it in the interview. If you forget, call them 'Jobbo face' or if a woman interviewer, 'Jobbo face, baby'. Try it, it works.

3. Leave a gap in your CV for 2011 .When asked for an explanation, just say: ''Arab Spring'', wink and point to yourself.

4. Don't forget that employers check Facebook accounts. Delete any photos of you posing in Nazi regalia. Instead, substitute photos of you looking at pages of programming code. A picture of Steve Jobs looking wistful in the background can only help.

5. Make eye contact. If two interviewers, move your eyes independently to regard both at the same time. If three interviewers present use your 'third eye' or borrow one from a friend.

6. Tell them you are not an applicant, but an appliCAN.

7. If you have to fart, look intensely at one of the interviewers and frown.

8. Don't forget to lard your answers with the latest business speak, such as: 'Moving forward'; 'core competency'; 'empower'; 'bleeding edge' and my favourite, 'corporate values'. Put them all together in a sentence. 

9. When asked about hobbies, don't mention your proclivity to 'burn stuff' and your ability to crush small animals with one hand.

10. If you have to belch, burp out the word, 'enthusiastic'.

11. When asked to describe yourself, say, ''Goal orientated with an inordinate propensity to empower bleeding edge colleagues with corporate values and core competency, moving forward''.

12. Only SHOUT out the word, 'ARSE', if panicked and as a desperate distraction.



Let me know how you get on, son. I think he'll be okay.


Friday, 19 February 2016

Money for Nothing



You receive a notification in your inbox saying you have won millions in a lottery you didn’t enter. Or perhaps an email from someone trying to shift 50 million dollars from a dormant account and they need your help? Have you been contacted recently by a close family relative of the deposed African dictator Colonel Ipod Mugumbo? For help in transferring some outrageous sum of money, you will receive a generous percentage. What do all these offers have in common? They are all scams designed to part you from your hard-earned gelt. You already knew this, didn’t you? Surely no one in their right mind would fall for this obvious fraud? But they do. This is particularly perplexing as the email solicitations, are in main, remarkably crude and are often well larded with spelling mistakes and laughable grammatical errors. Perhaps these emails are intentionally unsophisticated in order to convince the victim that they are dealing with a simple individual incapable of deceit or guile. Or maybe the perpetrators are semi-illiterate? I'll leave you to judge.


Advance fee fraud, also known as the 419 scam, is a very common form of scam. Whatever the story, the fraudster will eventually get round to asking for money. The amount varies depending on the scenario. It may be $90 or several thousands of dollars. The scammer will say it is for taxes, insurance, bribing of officials or courier fees. Whatever the amount, or whatever the reason, you will be invariably asked to send the money by Western Union or Money Gram. This ensures that the transaction is untraceable.

Advance fee fraud is big business. Many of the emails emanate from West Africa and most come from Nigeria. Although it is true to say that this is an international phenomenon and increasingly scam emails can arrive in your inbox from Europe and Asia. It is estimated that $13 billion was lost to scammers in 2014 alone and this is likely to represent an underestimate. Often the crime goes unreported because victims feel duped and foolish. In terms of income, for Nigeria alone, advance fee fraud comes in third after oil and bananas. Returning to the original question: How can people fall for these scams; how can people be so gullible? I suppose the easy answer is greed and desperation. Greed can cloud the clearest of minds and blind even intelligent folk to stark reality. People in dire economic straits may clutch at ‘opportunities’ that seem to answer all their financial woes, but first they just need to send off that pesky processing fee.

Most of us would like to think that we are 'worldly wise' and 'internet savvy'- and to be fair, most of us are. Unsophisticated souls and internet newbies are easy prey for predators. Today over 1.3 billion people have access to the internet. This represents 25% of the world’s population and internet use is growing by 8 people per second. This is a lot of potential suckers and it only needs a small percentage of the internet population to send money to scammers to make the activity highly profitable.


As in most things in life, education is the key. Good old fashioned common sense and a nose for things that just don’t ring true are always sound protection. How can you win a lottery that you never entered? Why would anyone give you 40% of 60 million dollars for just handling a cheque? In the final analysis, an old adage is worth pondering and applying: ‘If something sounds too good to be true then invariably it is’.


On a lighter note, a whole industry has grown up scamming the scammers. 'Scambaiting' has become a popular pastime for creative folk with too much time on their hands. Some of the exchanges are hilarious and you can check out these sites here: http://www.419eater.com/ ; https://www.thescambaiter.com/forum/ . The premise is to string the scammer along, wasting their time and if possible, their money. The really good exponents of 'scambaiting' obtain photographic trophies of their 'victims', usually doing ridiculous things. Of course, the scammers eventually catch on..... Apparently in the scambaiting community, to receive a death threat is considered a 'badge of honour'. As you have guessed, anonymity is the way to go for 'scam baiters'. For all the japes and fun, it has to be remembered that scammers are criminals and frankly not very nice people. Be careful out there.


'nuff said



Now if you would like to learn more just simply send $499 by Western Union.






Wednesday, 17 February 2016

Please give generously

This wot ya call a poor nigga

Kanye West has released a series of Tweets, pleading poverty. For those who don't know: Apparently he's a big celeb married to one of the Kardashians - the one with the big fat arse. Arse.

It looks as if the poor bugga/nigga can no longer support a billionaire lifestyle on a millionaire income and bleats that he is $53 million in debt. He has made an impassioned plea to the billionaire owner of Farcebook for a billion dollar donation. This is mere pocket money for Mark Zuckerberg. Here are some of my favourite Kanye Bleats, er Tweets.

Mark Zuckerberg invest 1 billion dollars into Kanye West ideas

after realizing he is the greatest living artist and greatest artist of all time.

As you can see, Kanye is a modest fella and simply wants his just desserts for being the greatest talent of all time.

you’d rather open up one school in Africa like you really helped the country…

Hey, he might have a point here. Why give money which only gets siphoned off to black General, Teapot Mugumbo, when you can give it directly to an equally deserving black 'gangsta rapper'. And of course, charity begins at home. Or in this case, at the local insane asylum for deluded arsetistes.

World, please tweet, FaceTime, Facebook, instagram, whatever you gotta do to get Mark to support me…

Tis a good idea to enlist the world to put pressure on one of the world's richest men. I’m sure everyone would like to help the deserving Kanye to achieve his dream of being handed a billion dollars for nothing. I’m convinced, and would like to initiate a charity directed toward nurturing millionaire so-called celebs facing cash flow problems or when their over-priced branded goods are not selling too well. Please send your donations, care of Flaxen Saxon, PO 234, Wellington Central Mail Office, New Zealand. Please ensure you make the cheques out to CASH: Cash for Artists too Stupid to realise they are Half-witted and talentless.

Remember:
  • A mere $1,000 will support a cocaine habit for a night.
  • $10,000 will ensure that an ailing celeb will be able to stay for a night at the Ritz and dine on the finest caviar and champagne. 
  • An extra $1,000 will provide the services of 'Candice Marie'. A local actor, model, exotic dancer and burger technician at MacDonalds.


C’mon, you know celebs are special people and not like us simple proles. Dig deep in your pockets and help support their lavish lifestyle. I promise to forward the gelt to the most deserved of self-absorbed, shallow, egotistical twats. Honest.