Nicht Argern, nur Wundern

Peronne, meet German Kultur

In the spring of 1917 the Germans made an orderly withdrawal on the Western Front over the ravaged battlefield of the Somme. In some places they pulled back over 20 miles behind their original lines. The planned pullback was strategic move to remove kinks and curves in their original front line. By straightening the line they could save on precious man power and 13 divisions could be garnered for operations elsewhere, perhaps. The operation was performed with thorough Teutonic efficiency and the allies could do little to harry the German rear guard. Behind, the Germans left a wasteland. What couldn't be removed was destroyed. Whole towns and villages were consumed. Everywhere the Germans planted ingeniously fashioned booby traps. 

The operation was also a tacit acknowledgement of defeat. The Somme battles of the preceding summer and autumn had severely mauled both the Allied and German armies. However, the Germans appreciated, that at the current rate of attrition, they would run out of men before the Allies did. They timed their manoeuvre to coincide with the inevitable Allied spring offensive and therefore the retreat had the added bonus of derailing the Allied  initiative.

The new position was called the Hindenburg line after indomitable German general, Paul Von Hindenburg. In reality Hindenburg, at this stage of the war, was more a symbol of the mighty German nation than an effective war leader. The real power behind the lines remained with the German 'Quarter Master,' Ludendorff. Nonetheless, the new line was formidable and had been designed in depth. Interlocking defenses and redoubts could be swept with gun fire and machine gun turning the front into efficient kill zones. The lie of the land had been incorporated to ensure the entrenched Germans exploited everything to advantage. It was hoped that the Allied armies would bleed to death on the German wire whilst the German army conserved it's strength deep in dugouts to await the time of the Great German Offensive.        

The withdrawal made sound military sense. The land the Germans occupied held no sentimental, or strategical value, to them. The giving up of land would increase the capacity of the German army to wage war and was a shrewd military move by the German High Command. However, it could not help but send a message to the German soldier on the front line, and even to the Allied High Command: 'Victorious armies do not retreat.' The adverse effect on German morale would not be immediately apparent and would have to await future battles before becoming manifest.  

The Germans, of all people, should have learned the lesson from previous wars: There is no such thing as an impregnable defense especially against an aggressive and determined enemy.

In the town of Peronne, the Germans erected a whimsical sign on the side of the ruined town hall, it read: 'Don't be angry, be amazed'. And who said the Germans don't have a sense of humour! Today the sign resides in the museum of war, in Perronne.  

Ludendorff, in repose

Another Celebrity Pervert Revealed

Mr Vowel prior to his public hanging

Flaxen Saxon investigative reporter extraordinaire excels in his civic duty to apprise the good burghers of Tipton of the shocking news of yet another 'celebrity' pervert within our civic midst. It has been revealed that the incumbent Mayor, Mr Enoch Vowel, engaged in a lewd act (allegedly) 60 years ago whilst a pupil at Tipton Infant School. Miss Edith Mugumbo recalls the incident as if it was 59 years ago. In her own words: “I was making sand castles in the sand pit and distinctly recall Mr Vowel looking at me in a lewd manner and screaming ‘ I pooed my pants and want my momma’.  I am traumatised beyond belief and have been undergoing intense ‘behavioural therapy’ in order to rectify the intense psychological damage I have undergone. It is my fervent hope that the Tipton constabulary allow the local press to vilely and persecute this man on the basis of my sole testamony. And moreover, I won’t rest until a substantial amount of money is paid directly into my Bermuda bank account."

Mr Vowel was unavailable for comment and is believed to have fled to the neighbouring borough of Dudley. Tipton does not hold a reciprocal extradition treaty with the sovereign town of Dudley.

Mrs Mugumbo's ferret 'Shagger'- in repose

British Sea Power in the Great War

"I see no ships"

At the outbreak war of in 1914 Britain was the undoubted greatest world sea power. As an island and colonial power, Britain did not need a large army. The British professional standing army mustered a 125,000, many of these men were overseas. Although it was small, in comparison to continental armies, it was highly professional and well trained. It was designed to cope with police actions and small wars in British colonial interests and consequently unsuited for a great land conflict.

Therefore Britain's main contribution at the outset of war was its navy. Its army would only become important in deciding the outcome, if the war became prolonged. But as mentioned elsewhere, no one expected a long war.

At the outbreak of war the British navy swept away German naval commerce in an instant. This would not be an encumbrance if the war was short. However, if the war was prolonged then the denial of munitions and food from overseas would be an important factor in Germany's ability to wage war. By 1918 the German civilian population were undergoing severe privation and even starvation due to the British naval blockade.

The German army was Germany's prime instrument of war. Although Germany had a large navy, it was never exercised fully. Only on one occasion did it sally en mass from German ports to take on the British fleet. The outcome of the battle of Jutland in May 1916 was indecisive. On the basis of ships sunk and lives lost, the Germans came out on top. However, it was the German fleet that fled back to port and left the British fleet resplendent upon the high seas. The Germans never chanced their fleet in a major sea action with the British again. Instead they engaged in small scale raids on the English, east coast inflicting civilian causalities but having no material impact on the war. After Jutland the German High Fleet ceased to be a tactical or strategical instrument of war.

The situation for the British was somewhat different. The British fleet was a decisive factor in allied power. The fact the fleet existed, whether stationed on the high seas or in port, mattered little. The Germans of course also had their U boats, but that story will have to wait for another time. Churchill, after the battle of Jutland, had this to say: "Jellicoe (British admiral) is the only man, on both sides, who could lose the war in an afternoon." Typical Churchillian prose you might say, but on this occasion he was dead right. The situation for Germany was different. If Germany lost all it's ships in an afternoon it would not affect the German ability to wage war. For the Germans the best strategy was to aggressively engage the British navy. By destroying British warships it could influence the war's outcome even at the cost of losing its own navy. Instead the German navy remained impotent in German dock. A magnificent instrument of war wasted.

In November 1918 with the signing of the armistice, Germany was defeated. However, the German fleet received it's final order to engage the British in a final death ride. But, the years of enforced idleness in port had sapped the moral of the German sailors and they refused to carry out the order; at this stage of the war, who could blame them.

In the final analysis Germany was too preoccupied with the war on land and failed to appreciate how the High Seas Fleet could effectively engage the British. The Western front held a hypnotic fascination for the Germans and they failed to grasp the strategic importance of their superb navy, until it was too late : A wasted asset left to rot in port.          

Agony Uncle

Fuck off I'm pondering

King Flaxen of the Saxon Tiptons has magnanimously decided to dispense his prodigious wisdom from the lofty perspective of his Great Throne in the Great Hall. Justice will be freely dispensed through the medium of Flaxen's double headed Danish war axe, 'Twat Cruncher' or his sword, 'Arse, Big Fat Arse Biter'.

Please feel free to submit your problems for adjudication and sound deliberation, unless of course Flaxen is drunk then justice will proffered according to whim.

Dear King Flaxen,

My boss is always asking me to work late. Whenever I produce a presentation he always passes it off as his own work to the CEO. I feel undervalued, disregarded and totally abused. How can I handle this problem so I receive credit for my hard work without upsetting my boss who could sack me in an instant.

Bewildered of Bilsley

King Flaxen pronounceth,

I advise a measured response. Request a private meeting with your boss and take the opportunity to reasonably outline your predicament. Whilst he is deliberating, engage him thusly with a novelty impression of Arthur 'no legs' Askey. This will undoubtedly distract him mightily and cause him to pause. Exploit the hiatus in proceedings and thrust your sword (which, until this point, was cunningly concealed in a fold in your scrotum) betwixt his short ribs. Once he has expired, place him prone, remove his lungs and place them tastefully on the torso until they resemble the wings of the 'blood eagle'. Once satiated, burn the body and dedicate to Woden.

Next week King Flaxen will tackle the vexed dilemma of choosing the right moisturiser to complement your delicate skin tone. Arrrrrrrse........                

    

The West Midland's Tourist Board Says: Come to Majestic Tipton.

A typical Tipton resident on her way to collect her state benefits

Tipton nestles in the heart of the West Midlands. And indeed is the heart, lungs and thymus gland of merrie old England. Founded in 927 by the mad Saxon king, Flaxen it has now developed into a breathtakingly ugly, urban sprawl, punctuated by pound shops, pawnbrokers and kebab restaurants.

The town prospered in the middle ages due to the booming demand for leper bells and delicate pastries. Today these industries have gone but the entrepreneurial spirit lingers like a fart on a windless day. The Tiptonites have always been adaptable to change. These days they can found hanging about street corners bedecked in shell suits and cheap jewelry selling crack cocaine to passing tourists and wandering minstrels.

The main tourist draw, remains, as always, its town centre. Meet the locals as they lurch drunkenly across the town square shouting the age old refrain: "can you spare 20 quid for a case of Special Brew." Colourful street entertainers regale tourists with their hard earned craft and skills. For 50p Lugless Douglas will berate you with tales of how he lost his pinna in a freak ear cutting off exercise whilst pissed. Listen to Maggie Mugumbo as she explains why a wild weekend in Skegness resulted in her being shagged sequentially by the Wigan rugby team during the interval of the match between Widnes and the Dudley Scapegoats circa 1972. I could go on, but the last bottle of red wine I drank has started to kick in. I digress.   

Come and sample Tipton's fabled cuisine. The delicacy of the region, 'faggots and peas' can be obtained from the plentiful and pitiful street vendors which abound and rebound and survive cheek by jowl with assorted charity shops and Kosher meat outlets. Faggots are made from only the tenderest of rat's arses marinated in boiled ferrets urine. Yum. Faggots are usually drizzled with peas which been fermented for several years before being impregnated with a green fluorescent dye, aptly labelled E60689056. Yum fucking Yum. As usual, I digress.

To be continued......   

An Exercise in Power: The Great War

What do you think of Europe now, Mr N? 

The affairs of man have changed little over time. War and power politics are the province of human nature writ large. Nothing of the contemplation of a general, or statesman, of the Great War would have been incomprehensible to a Roman general two thousand years earlier. Only the scale and technology have changed; human nature has not.

At the outbreak of the First World War the Germans disregarded British power both on land and sea. This was from the narrow perspective of the 'quick war.' Traditionally Britain was not a great power in the continental sense, although its presence could not be disregarded. Britain had long had a privileged position when it came to continental war. It could partake as much, or as little, of the war as suited national policy. Shielded by its large navy, Britain, if it so desired, could act as a spectator and watch Europe burn; this was about to change.

Immediately prior to the first First World War, British policy changed. With a resurgent Germany, both military and economically, Britain could no longer watch and cynically meddle in Europe to maximise national advantage. Britain rightly surmised that the next war would be driven by Germany. Germany sported a magnificent army backed by an equally impressive economic infrastructure. This vigorous, proud, powerful and belligerent nation was a danger to British national interest. The best diplomacy decreed that she should be an ally. Now that would have been an interesting alliance. An alliance that could have taken on the world. But the German, or at least the Kaiser's insistence on a vainglorious German navy scuppered that route to world peace or domination.

At the outbreak of the war with Russia, and then France, the Germans hoped to contain the war and naively thought the British would stick to their old policy of watch and wait. After the expected quick, but violent war, the British would be left vacillating impotently on the periphery until intervention was futile. Not a bad plan but for one small point. The British also expected the Germans to win, whether the war was short, or prolonged, the eventual outcome would be the same; a Europe under German orders. The Germans saw this as their right, the British could not allow this to happen. A united Europe, albeit one coerced under German military power, represented a threat to the very survival of Britain itself. The Germans never appreciated this political fact, until it was too late.

Ostensibly Britain went to war with Germany over the violation of neutral Belgium. This was in accordance with a treaty, signed by Prussia, Britain and France after the Napoleonic wars in 1839. Britain did not go to war because German troops entered Belgium in August 1914; this was but a pretext. Britain could have easily ignored this old treaty, just as the Germans did. Interestingly, both France and Britain violated Greek neutrality later in the war because it was expedient to do so. Treaties after all, are only paper. Britain went to war to prevent Europe being dominated by German power, with all that entailed.

If Germany had truly appreciated the extent its vigorous foreign policy would affect the British then perhaps the Great War would have remained a figment of popular literature. But much of German policy, both national and international, remained in the hands of the intelligent but mercurial Kaiser. By temperament this man was unfit to rule. When William's rule was coupled with a compliant German political and war machine, the First World War was inevitable.        

Kim Jong Cunt to visit Tipton (and Netherton North)

Who ate all the pies?

Breaking news from Tipton's only daily, national newspaper, 'The Tipton Times (featuring North Netherton).' The glorious leader of the glorious Democratic Republic of North Korea, Kim Jong Cunt has deigned to visit the glorious spa town of Tipton and Netherton North. Mr Enoch Vowel, the Mayor of Tipton had this to say about the glorious impending visit: "This is a glorious opportunity to cement concord between our great nations and forge cultural and export opportunities." When pressed about the export opportunities, Mr Vowel waxed on accordingly: "In exchange for Tipton made main battle tanks, weapons grade plutonium and dog meat, Tipton will receive large quantities of glorious North Korean mud."

Mr Patel of 'Patel's novelty trinkets and assorted tat, emporium' has already been producing life size effigies of King Cunt out of weapons grade Bakelite. The figures stand a full 6 inchons high and accentuate the glorious leader's generous paunch and ill considered haircut. The North Korean embassy has intervened and 'requested' that the representations of the glorious leader be withdrawn and replaced with models which fully reflect the reality in the Democratic Republic of North Korea. The revised models will be fashioned from purest gold and stand a majestic 6 feet and 10 inchons high. There will be no paunch, or a hint of a shite haircut. Failure to comply will result in the accidental release of radioactive mud and dodgy noodles into the midst of Tipton town centre.

Mrs Hilda Mugumbo, a life long resident of the borough, had this to say: "Who gives a shit about that fat, ugly little slope." Tragically, later that day, Mrs Mugumbo was accidentally killed in a radioactive mud and noodle slide.