What a Silly Old Hunt that Professor is

Sir Tim Hunt contemplating unemployment

If you are not aware of the story I am about to pontificate sagely upon, I suggest you read this brief article for context.

I don't know whether my readers have taken note of the media storm concerning the British Nobel Laureate, Sir Tim Hunt. He gave a talk at a Korean scientific conference and made an impression unrelated to his undoubted and customary wisdom. Apparently, he made a few disparaging remarks about women in science and stated that women should stay out of the lab because they distract the men. The subsequent reaction was incandescent. He has been pilloried and has had to resign his position at an English University. His particular field will be poorer as a consequence, but only the scientific community will weep. Certainly not the journalists, for they will have moved on to the next big and 'important' thing (Kardashian's big, fat, arse). Should we judge brilliant, but 'mad', professors by our  mortal standards?  Probably, but generally their remarks do not attract attention outside the hallowed and cloistered halls of acadaemia. In mitigation, he was expressing a free opinion in a supposed free society. Really, should we give a shit about whether anyone found his remarks offensive? These sort of sentiments are expressed in labs (and offices) all over the world, often tongue in cheek. His greatest mistake was exposing his wit to the awaiting Press. Like sharks, they are always on the prowl for a great story. To be fair Flaxen, sharks eat aquatic prey and lack the higher brain functions to pursue a story which makes great copy. Also computers will not work in the salty sea. And another thing, sharks lack opposable fins- tis hard to hold a pencil under these circumstances. The paper would get wet and disintegrate. Totally an unrealistic proposition; I've digressed and accordingly, feel, suitably chastened.

Sir Hunt is a typical and marvellous example of the 'Great British Eccentric'- long may they reign. It is not as if he was thinking of a political career. A world run by Professors would be a dismal and surreal place, indeed; I prophesise a very short reign. Where this sort of behaviour is deemed detrimental is in the political arena, especially if it becomes manifest to the media. Being careful with your words makes you a 'good' politician, apparently; at least in today's rampant PC environment. Although most regard politicians as useless, self-serving and ineffectual. However, If a politician aspires to appear 'great' they should perfect their oration. In a thousand years time, the only politicians to be remembered will be Churchill and Hitler* (Blair who?). Both were great orators, but both were flawed human beings whose political errors were legion. To gain true perspective we need to have been there. Posterity makes saints and monsters depending on chance and military dominance. And let's face it, where do you ever see the super smart entering politics? The only exception is Enoch Powell and look what happened to him. We are supposedly more sophisticated and politically savvy than those long gone and less easily fooled by the spoken word. Not everyone, of course, that would be just silly. Most folk couldn't distinguish between a Nazi and a Communist even if he burnt their collective farm down to the ground.

In my experience, scientists are incredibly un-PC. They are the master of off colour jokes especially relating to their profession and everything else for that matter.  Most, unless they are brilliant, or photogenic, are not thrust onto the public stage to express an opinion. Usually, when this happens, the smarter the scientist, the stranger the utterance. Scientists are not used to the media, and unlike politicians, tend to tell the truth; this pleases no one, especially the media. Luckily for everyone, editing makes for an easy conscience and viewing. Who will know the difference?   

If you want a laugh, read this: Arse

My Research Assistant: Now you know why I don't get much work done these days 

*Once again, I feel constrained to make a comment. Frankly, with the audience I attract I shouldn't have to do this sort of thing and it goes against the grain-  don't worry, I don't intend to make a habit of it. I am right wing by natural persuasion but I am not a fascist. Therefore, the comment should in no way be seen as hero worship or endorsement of the general policies of Sir Winston Churchill.  

My latest research......

Guess who forgot to take his meds today....

Deconstructing the Partition Table Conundrum as applied to Genetic Partisibles Using the A.R.S.E  Application

Dr Flaxen Saxon and Prof Ipod Mugumbo

Abstract

After years of compelling research into RPCs, we confirm the study of ARSE, which embodies the technical principles of parallel complexity theory. We probe how wide-area networks can be applied to the exploration of A* search with particular emphasis on partition variables. In this regard we apply the term-'ARSE', which for our purpose will apply to all partition tables greater or equal to the prospective term (see Turing et al 1945, for clarification and summation).

  Introduction

Geneticists agree that knowledge-based algorithms are an interesting new topic in the field of complexity theory, and steganographers concur. The notion that information theorists interfere with access points is generally considered intuitive. After years of typical research into RPCs, we demonstrate the emulation of partition tables, which embodies the appropriate principles of complexity theory. The deployment of cache coherence tremendously endorses model checking and coherency.

Motivated by these observations, the synthesis of Scheme and stoic fault tolerance [18] have been extensively simulated by theorists. It should be noted that ARSE notation and theory controls the construction of rogue networks. However, this solution is generally adamantly opposed [21]. Combined with N-Conjecture, such a claim negates a novel system for the deployment of XML.

The investigation of context-free grammar and the simulation of extreme programming have been extensively developed by mathematicians. This is an important point to understand: two properties make this approach pertinent: ARSE explores the analysis of lambda calculus, and also our algorithm turns the probabilistic symmetries sledgehammer into a scalpel. We emphasize that Mugumbo emulates the visualisation of Baysean variables. For example, many applications manage "fuzzy" epistemologies. Existing adaptive and pseudorandom heuristics use adaptive theory to learn 'Partition Tables'. It is regularly a private mission but often conflicts with the need to provide the Turing machine to end-users. Therefore, we present an analysis of regular partition tables (ARSE), which we use to confirm that operating systems and object-oriented languages can collude to solve this quandary.

In this paper we construct new interposable technology (ARSE), which we use to prove that the seminal concurrent algorithm for the study of the location-identity split [21] is recursively enumerable. The drawback of this type of approach, however, is that SMPs can be made replicated, multimodal, and stochastic. Existing introspective and heterogeneous applications use signed algorithms to cache replication. Two properties make this method different: Mugumbo caches probabilistic methodologies, and also ARSE evaluates the refinement of I/O automata. We emphasize that ARSE locates simulated annealing, without caching 802.11b. and combined with certifiable algorithms, such a claim refines new optimal configurations.

The rest of this paper is organized as follows. We motivate the need for the innovative circumlution. We demonstrate the need for the integration of Boolean logic. Next, we place our work in context with the related work in this area [20]. 

  Related Work

We now compare our solution to related ubiquitous configurations methods [19,7,18,6]. The only other noteworthy work in this area suffers from astute assumptions about secure nodalities [22,26]. Instead of emulating lossless archetypes, we fulfill this purpose simply by constructing the understanding of Moore's Law. On a similar note, Wu and Thomas [13] explored the first known instance of secure algorithms. MugumColombo represents a significant advance upon this work. Next, instead of investigating the intuitive unification of DHTs and interrupts [8,24,27,26,18], we fulfill this ambition simply by studying the development of the Daedlean-Hooper paradox [29]. We plan to adopt many of the concepts from this existing work in future versions of ARSE.

ARSE builds on previous work in Bayesian epistemologies and theory. F. Robinson developed a similar solution, however we proved that ARSE is optimal [18]. Further, Stephen Hawking suggested a scheme for enabling semantic models, but did not fully realize the implications and power of partition tables at the time [23]. Instead of enabling Boolean logic [24], we realize this objective simply by extemporising from known linear constructs [13]. The original approach to this problem by Jackson was promising; contrarily, such a claim did not completely fulfill this purpose.

The deployment of heterogeneous models has been widely studied [25,14]. In this work, we surmounted all of the issues inherent in the relevant studies. Sun and Gupta [16] originally articulated the need for redundancy [11]. Further, although Fredrick P. Brooks, Jr. et al. also considered this solution, we deployed it independently and simultaneously. Therefore, the class of solutions enabled by ARSE is fundamentally different from related solutions [5]. Despite the fact that this work was published before ours, we came up with the solution first but could not publish it until now due to copyright restrictions.

Architecture

It would be salutary to visualise a methodology for how ARSE might behave in theory. Further, our heuristic does not require such a technical observation to run correctly or concurrently. We assume that optimal configurations can reinforce our conjecture without needing to enable N values greater than 2. This seems to hold in most cases. ARSE does not require a natural analysis to run correctly. Along these same lines, ARSE does not require an essential evaluation to run at all, but it essentially provides independent confirmation. 

Suppose that there exists mobile models such that we can easily visualise the memory cache. Even though futurists never estimate the exact opposite, our solution depends on this property for correct interpretation. We estimate that cache coherence and rasterization are never incompatible. Despite the fact that analysts rarely hypothesise the exact opposite, ARSE depends on this property for correct interpretation. We assume that each component  of  ARSE is optimal, independent of all other components. The methodology for our system consists of four independent components: online algorithms, optimal configurations, symbiotic communication, and 802.11 mesh networks. We assume that coding information can interegate partition tables without needing to allow erasure coding. This is a key property of ARSE.

Our heuristic relies on the important framework outlined in the recent infamous work by Robert Floyd et al. in the field of complexity theory. This seems to hold in most cases. However, is acknowledged that this may or may not actually hold in reality. Continuing with this rationale, we believe that the well-known symbiotic algorithm for the understanding of model checking by U. Thompson runs in Θ(n²) time. Obviously, the model that ARSE uses is feasible.

 Implementation 

After several minutes of difficult optimizing, we finally have a working implementation of our system. ARSE is composed of a homegrown database, a centralised logging facility, and a virtual machine monitor. The server daemon and the centralised logging facility must run in the same JVM. We plan to release all of this code under X11 license.

Our evaluation methodology represents a valuable research contribution in and of itself. Our overall performance analysis seeks to prove three hypotheses: (1) that we can do much to adjust an algorithm's notation ; (2) that 802.11b has actually shown amplified replication over time; and finally (3) that checksums no longer adjust Dry-Field throughput. Our evaluation strategy will show that automating the average bandwidth of our operating system is crucial to our results.

Hardware and Software Configuration

One must understand our network configuration to grasp the genesis of our results. We instrumented a quantized simulation on Intel's human test subjects to prove metamorphic modalities's lack of influence on the work of Italian chemist Fredrick P. Brooks, Jr.. we only measured these results when simulating it in software. For starters, we added 200 150GB hard disks to our millenium testbed to discover the effective flash-memory space of our human test subjects. Second, we removed 150kB/s of Wi-Fi throughput from our network to understand modalities. Similarly, we reduced the ROM space of our underwater overlay network. The 3GB of flash-memory described here explain our unique results. On a similar note, Italian cryptographers halved the flash-memory speed of UC Berkeley's desktop machines to discover the effective floppy disk space of our planetary-scale cluster [1,20,4,16,9,31,3]. Lastly, we added more CISC processors to our network.

Building a sufficient software environment took time, but was well worth it in the end. We implemented our Smalltalk server in JIT-compiled B, augmented with randomly noisy, replicated extensions. All software was linked using GCC 8.7.4 built on the German toolkit for collectively evaluating noisy IBM PC Juniors. Second, Along these same lines, all software was linked using AT&T System V's compiler built on the Japanese toolkit for collectively improving 10th-percentile clock speed. This concludes our discussion of software modifications.

  Experiments and Results

We have taken great pains to describe out evaluation strategy setup. That being said, we ran four novel experiments: (1) we ran 53 trials with a simulated Web server workload, and compared results to our middleware emulation; (2) we compared median signal-to-noise ratio on the Microsoft Windows NT, FreeBSD and Mach operating systems; (3) we deployed 82 Nintendo Gameboys across the 100-node network, and tested our DHTs accordingly; and (4) we asked (and answered) what would happen if randomly fuzzy flip-flop gates were used instead of interrupts. All of these experiments completed without the black smoke that results from hardware failure or access-link congestion.

Now for the climactic analysis of the first two experiments. The results come from only 3 trial runs, and were not reproducible. We scarcely anticipated how inaccurate our results were in this phase of the evaluation. Similarly, we scarcely anticipated how accurate our results were in this phase of the evaluation. On a similar note, the results come from only 4 trial runs, and were not reproducible [28].

 Conclusions

In conclusion, in this work we described ARSE, an event-driven tool for simulating rasterization. Our system has set a precedent for efficient modalities, and we expect that electrical engineers will visualize our framework for years to come. Although such a hypothesis at first glance seems perverse, it usually conflicts with the need to provide the memory bus to stoichastic systems. We concentrated our efforts on verifying that the UNIVAC computer and courseware can synchronize to fulfill this objective. To solve this problem for expert systems, we introduced a multimodal tool for studying extreme programming. One potentially improbable flaw of our system is that it can learn the Ethernet; we plan to address this in future work.

References

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Agarwal, R. Web: A methodology for the construction of thin clients. In Proceedings of MICRO (June 2002).

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Bose, O. Decoupling local-area networks from IPv6 in 802.11b. Tech. Rep. 26-7104, MIT CSAIL, Aug. 2005.

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Brown, P. Protein: A methodology for the understanding of context-free grammar. In Proceedings of SIGCOMM (Dec. 2004).

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Dahl, O., and Kubiatowicz, J. Decoupling the location-identity split from replication in digital-to- analog converters. In Proceedings of the Conference on Semantic, Secure Symmetries (Apr. 2000).

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Einstein, A. A methodology for the evaluation of Boolean logic. Journal of Authenticated Archetypes 49 (Aug. 2003), 20-24.

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Floyd, S., and Garcia, O. H. Deploying multi-processors and the location-identity split using Hesp. Tech. Rep. 4752/487, Intel Research, May 1995.

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Garcia, F., and Shenker, S. Symbiotic, mobile models for extreme programming. In Proceedings of OOPSLA (Oct. 1996).

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Garcia, M. Pseudorandom algorithms for B-Trees. In Proceedings of the USENIX Security Conference (July 2004).

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Hartmanis, J., Raman, H., Stearns, R., Estrin, D., Shastri, C., and Reddy, R. Utes: A methodology for the improvement of information retrieval systems that would allow for further study into Internet QoS. In Proceedings of SIGCOMM (July 1992).

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Iverson, K., Kobayashi, H. T., Williams, N., and Cocke, J. Enabling wide-area networks and forward-error correction using TutFusion. In Proceedings of WMSCI (July 2002).

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Jackson, S., Saxon, D. F., and Jackson, a. GRE: A methodology for the simulation of suffix trees. In Proceedings of IPTPS (May 1999).

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Jacobson, V., Hawking, S., and Hoare, C. JuneTig: Modular, optimal communication. In Proceedings of SIGMETRICS (July 1967).

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Kaashoek, M. F. The influence of permutable archetypes on theory. Journal of Highly-Available Technology 5 (Mar. 2005), 20-24.

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Kahan, W., and Miller, H. Plodder: Stochastic, distributed configurations. Journal of Electronic, Cooperative Symmetries 27 (Mar. 2002), 20-24.

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Lampson, B., Hoare, C. A. R., Zhao, X., Garcia, E., and Takahashi, P. Comparing redundancy and agents with Lin. Journal of Flexible, "Smart" Models 88(Dec. 2004), 81-107.

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Lee, W. Comparing redundancy and context-free grammar. NTT Technical Review 97 (Mar. 1999), 1-12.

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Levy, H., Culler, D., Thompson, K., Bose, O., White, W., Culler, D., and Bhabha, D. A methodology for the evaluation of compilers. Journal of Psychoacoustic, Low-Energy Symmetries 6 (Feb. 2003), 156-190.

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Maruyama, O., and Johnson, T. A methodology for the evaluation of hash tables. IEEE JSAC 28 (Nov. 2000), 45-58.

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Moore, H. Comparing hierarchical databases and IPv6. In Proceedings of PODC (July 1997).

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Needham, R., Cook, S., ErdÖS, P., and Saxon, D. F. A case for suffix trees. Journal of Secure, Client-Server Models 43 (Feb. 1994), 71-93.

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Nygaard, K., Iverson, K., Levy, H., Vignesh, E., and Hamming, R. A simulation of architecture with BLOT. In Proceedings of MICRO (July 2005).

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Robinson, I., and Culler, D. Deconstructing object-oriented languages. In Proceedings of the Workshop on Wearable Modalities (June 1999).

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Robinson, S., Needham, R., Ullman, J., and White, Y. Towards the synthesis of scatter/gather I/O. In Proceedings of the Workshop on Knowledge-Based Models (Feb. 1970).

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Sadagopan, U. Investigating Lamport clocks using cacheable algorithms. In Proceedings of SIGGRAPH (Dec. 1953).

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Sato, Z. Decoupling scatter/gather I/O from IPv6 in erasure coding. Journal of Relational Modalities 42 (Dec. 2002), 77-82.

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Simon, H., Adleman, L., and Sato, K. Public-private key pairs considered harmful. In Proceedings of SIGMETRICS (Jan. 2001).

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Tanenbaum, A., and Davis, J. Y. Web browsers no longer considered harmful. In Proceedings of SOSP (May 2004).

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Tarjan, R., Garey, M., and Johnson, P. Homogeneous, unstable methodologies for cache coherence. In Proceedings of PODC (Sept. 2001).

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Tipton Love Turbot on the Wane!

Tipton Beach after the clean up

Tangible news from Tipton’s only premier beach, ‘Beacho El Tipton’. Today it can be revealed that routine testing of the water lapping against the scum fringed shore has disclosed the presence of human excrement and weapons grade plutonium. Indeed, the whole beach is resplendent and replete with sizzling shit. 


A typical Tipton resident in repose

Mr ‘Baby Doc’ Vowel, the recently invested Mayor of Tipton, in a press announcement, had this to say: “The detection of harmless contaminants is in no way related to an agreement signed with the Glorious North Korean leader, Dim Pong Un Ping, for the importation of radioactive human faeces. I can assure you, that as the Managing Director of the ‘Glorious Glowing Korean Human Waste Corporation’, and after absconding to Bermuda, I will initiate a full investigation into this matter. In the meantime I would like to stress that the good citizens of Tipton should feel safe to bathe in the enriched, bubbling waters of the ‘Costo Del Radioactive Poo’. I am in no way worried about reports of swimmers sporting extra digits and nipples. This well recognised phenomenon is known to be due to the high coefficient of inbreeding in the area and is completely unrelated to the mutating effects of ionising, high energy, gamma rays. Extra fingers should be seen as a positive boon in the modern world as it aids manual dexterity, no end. And in my opinion, you can’t have too many nipples. Tis also to be noted that under the relentless barrage of radiation (allegedly), used and discarded condoms, known hereabout as, ‘Tipton Love Turbot’ have begun to disintegrate releasing their mucilaginous contents, akimbo”.



Lead lined bathing suit- not to be used in water

Mr Khan of ‘Mr Khan’s Cheap and Useless Urban Survival Equipment and Gimp Suits’, had this to say: “Fear not gentle burghers of Tipton, encompassing parts of Netherton North, but excluding Brierley Hill South, for today I have received a consignment of radiation damaged lead lined bathing suits, guaranteed to keep pesky alpha, beta and gamma particles at bay whilst the wearer is immersed in the warm, turbid and suspiciously sticky waters of ‘Crapo del Monte’.                                                                                                                                                                      



Rare sighting of the Tipton Love Turbot


A worried local environmental activist, Mr ‘Four nipples, three thumbs’, Mugumbo, has noted that the once abundant schools of Tipton Love Turbot are on the wane.  

Not all mutations are useless

Are you Rapture ready?

Hurrah! No dark folk in heaven

Are you Rapture compliant? For most, rapture means a moment of supreme pleasure. To be honest we are talking about exceedingly rare and fleeting events. Only a few chosen mortals are destined to experience an instance of sublime, euphoric bliss (Flaxen, stop talking bollocks). For fundamentalist religious folk it means something else. Many theologies have an 'end time', a time when history, as we know it, becomes suspended and humanity is judged by a 'Higher Power'; most are found wanting/wanking (amounts to the same thing). The righteous will be rewarded and ascend to heaven, whilst the rest face annihilation and oblivion, if they are lucky and if not, eternal torment.

With the coming of the 'Rapture' the select/elect will be physically whisked off the earth to heaven. The evil sinners will remain to face extreme tribulation. There are variations on the main theme, but a common thread suggests that 'the believers' will suddenly and cataclysmically, disappear.  

Strangely, there is no direct mention or narrative of the 'The Rapture' in the bible. 'Theologians', and I use the term loosely, have plundered various sources from the bible and tailored them to fit whatever tale, suits. The concept became popular with evangelical Christians during the latter part of the 19th century. The story continued to develop during the 20th century and interest continues today amongst the usual suspects. Numerous books have been written about the event. Most converts expect the Rapture to occur soon. Various 'signs' are touted to reveal the imminence of the event. The Rapturites (not a real word) get particularly excited about unsettled events in the Middle East. This essentially  means they have remained, for the last century, in a sustained, expectant and pre-orgasmic state- not quite as messy as it sounds.

Several years ago I signed up to a web site that declared its willingness to send an email announcing the Rapture after this singular event had occurred. There will be a bit of a delay as the whole process is based on the ‘dead man’s lever principle'. The reasoning being, once the author of the site has been whisked off to paradise he/she will no longer be able to prevent the automatic sending of an email to the unredeemed, announcing their doom. Although by this time you might have worked it out for your self as all the local Christians (not the Jehovah's Witnesses and Catholic Priests, though) have disappeared. Update: Bugger! I can no longer find the site and the only similar site I can find actually has the temerity to charge for the privilege!  For those of a curious nature, here is the link: http://www.youvebeenleftbehind.com/index.html.

There are a number of websites out in the aether who will gleefully and in graphic detail outline what will transpire when the time comes. Can’t but help think what a bunch of smug, stupid and self satisfied folk they really are. There is a website, which on first encounter, seems to have been set up to  fleece the gullible. It is a Rapture friendly pet adoption service. Once the sanctimonious buggers have been whisked off there will be a lot of stray dogs wandering about: “Hollering hound dog so forlorn”. For a modest fee, they will take in your beloved pet and administer succour and hopefully ‘doggy chow’. The site, as originally intended, is an obvious spoof. The administrator has even stated that the ‘service’ is not to be taken seriously. Nonetheless, the site has attracted paying customers; no accounting for human stupidity. But it doesn’t end there. Rapturites, have been suitably impressed and subsequently set up their own websites offering sincere animal services after the ‘faithful have left the building’. They have managed to round up well meaning atheists who are prepared to act as surrogate owners. It will come as no surprise that a fee is involved.

  

As ever, I’m intrigued. This madness hails from the US where 50% of the population believe  the Rapture will actually be a future historical event. Clearly for some folk, in the States, the education system has failed them badly. Causality, the renaissance and the scientific revolution has passed them by. They dismiss the fruits of science and knowledge in favour of incoherent, ill considered, primitive nonsense. Most of the ‘Rapture insight’ is based on an eschatology that drips in symbolism and violence, implied and explicit. Follow the warrior storm god and obey, or else you are doomed to be tormented, for eternity, regardless of how morally sound you were in this life. The only virtue which will save you is unquestioning belief. And this is all that is required. The adherents do not regard their belief with any critical faculty. Perhaps if they did they would quickly conclude that it is unsupported by any known knowledge and is complete and utter mugumbojumbo and dare I say it, utter arse- Arse (steady Flaxen).    

Don't worry Rover, we got you covered

Cleopatra and the Pearl

Alka Seltzer, it ain't

Cleopatra (b 69BC-d 30BC) has inspired writers and artists for over two thousand years. The purported Egyptian beauty, who seduced two of the most powerful men of the Roman world has fascinated and beguiled us, ever since. Cleopatra has become a byword for despotic, lush, oriental opulence and extravagance; a woman who during a banquet with her lover, the sot, Mark Antony, is said to have dissolved a priceless pearl in vinegar and drank it. So what is the truth and after all this time, should we care?

The first thing to note is that Cleopatra was not Egyptian, but a Macedonian belonging to the Macedonian dynasty who took control of Egypt after the death of the great general of antiquity, 'Alexander the Great' (d 323BC). A load of Highland ruffians who ruled the world, because they could. The rulers spoke Greek and didn't even bother to learn the native Egyptian language, although Cleopatra apparently made the effort, as she did with other barbarian tongues. She became ruler of Egypt on the death of her father, Ptolemy XII Auletes, at 18 (51BC). To legitimise her rule she married her younger brother who was aged 12, at the time- don't ask.

As regard her supposed beauty, let us consult the ancient writers for their considered opinion of her pulchritude: “For her beauty, as we are told, was in itself not altogether incomparable, nor such as to strike those who saw her; but converse with her had an irresistible charm, and her presence, combined with the persuasiveness of her discourse and the character which was somehow diffused about her behaviour towards others, had something stimulating about it. There was sweetness also in the tones of her voice; and her tongue, like an instrument of many strings, she could readily turn to whatever language she pleased…”

Plutarch's Life of Antony 

The only other evidence we have is her depiction on coins and sculptured busts. Allowing for a degree of stylisation, especially in the Greek renditions, a modest conclusion can be made. By the way, the Roman depictions are considered more realistic as befits this most practical and  bucolic of peoples. On the available evidence it seems she was no ravishing beauty in the mould of Elizabeth Taylor, nor was she a hideous hag. The truth probably lies somewhere in between. Her greatest attributes and all the ancient writers seem to agree, lay with her charm, intelligence and accomplishments, which indeed, were great.

   

We are on less firm ground when we come to the story of the pearl. Supposedly, Cleopatra bet Mark Antony that she could serve a meal costing 10 million sesterces. This would translate to about 30 million US dollars at today’s rates. Obviously Mark Antony was intrigued (probably drunk) and so he accepted the bet. Next day she set before Antony an extravagant banquet. He was impressed but pointed out that the meal came no where near 10 million sesterces. Cleopatra smiled and produced a glass of vinegar into which she placed one of her large and incredibly expensive pearl ear rings. The pearl fizzed in the vinegar and promptly dissolved. With a wicked gleam in her eye, Cleopatra drained the drink in one. All at the banquet agreed, she had won the bet.   

The account appears in the writings of a Roman author, Pliny the Elder, in 77AD. We should be wary of its veracity for several reasons: Firstly it was written many years after the alleged event; it was written by an enemy who had no love for Cleopatra and it has all the hallmarks of an urban myth. The ancients loved a 'rollicking' good story, just as we, and were not immune to subverting the facts, if it suited.

There should always be a kernel of truth in a good (and plausible?) urban myth. One part of the story can be tested today. Is it possible to dissolve a pearl in vinegar? The essence and nature of pearls and vinegar have not changed in two thousand years. Pearls will dissolve in vinegar but not in the way described by Pliny. A pearl, and especially a large pearl, will not dissolve within a very short time- we are looking at days. And remember, Cleopatra's pearl was very large. Therefore, the story could not have occurred exactly as described. The ancients should have got their facts right, we are talking about posterity, after all. This doesn't mean it didn't happen; a few modifications are required. If the pearl was crushed into a fine powder beforehand, then it would be possible to dissolve it quickly.

Having established that at least one part of the original story can't be true, it casts at least a modicum amount of doubt, over the rest of the story. The story, with reservations, is wholly consistent with what we know about Cleopatra herself. The great lady was wealthy, a ruler in the grand ancient tradition and flaunted the power of her privilege ostentatiously to the known world.       

I suppose, in the last analysis, we should revel in a tale told well and not ask penetrating and prosaic questions. Fiction can be intoxicating. After all, who questions whether Shakespeare's, 'Antony and Cleopatra' is a tale of real history? Tis a breathtaking, tragic, and  beautifully narrated story framed in lilting prose which, on occasion, inflames the senses. Apparently, it can make  grown men cry (not me though, I'm tough).

Historically, Cleopatra was an important character, although ultimately doomed. She played a fine game as only an intelligent ruler could in the face of subjugation to a greater power. She recognised the great Roman Empire for what is was. Not sophisticated, politically, or culturally. However, it possessed the only two characteristics which really matter in the world's great arena; political stability (*see comment, below) and a large and well trained military force. Nothing else really matters, at least from the grand geopolitical perspective. Expanding on this analysis, it is well to consider that the subjugator, the Roman Empire, when its time came, fell more to internal enemies than those without. Modern Western powers should take note.     

*As I'm sure you are aware, I'm not a great one for digression, but I thought it necessary to introduce a caveat on Rome's 'political stability', before I receive censure. The period of which I write is a time of great political upheaval for Rome. Prior to this era, Rome experienced relatively stable political conditions under the Republic, however, it did suffer from periods of social tumult. Caesar introduced a form of stability that pleased no one but himself. After his death, the Roman world descended into civil war. And with interludes, real peace and tranquillity (at least for the Romans) did not descend until the coming of the first Roman Emperor, Octavian. The rest is history- go read.   

  

A.R.S.E in Tatters

No comment

Breaking news courtesy of the Tipton Independent Football Association (A.R.S.E). After much deliberation, enemas and arsoul searching, 'El Presidente' of A.R.S.E., Mr Slop Bucket, has decided to continue in his exalted orifice amid serious allegations of financial probity. It can be revealed that after a searching probe of A.R.S.E., the organ has come up squeaky clean. Senior auditor, Mr Corrupt Mugumbo issued the following statement: "It's a bleeding liberty, innit. I came to the audit anally retentive and with a closed mind (and an open hand/cloaca) expecting to reveal gross financial misappropriation and fiscal impropriety of gargantuan proportion, only to uncover indisputable pecuniary accountability. At no time did I find the opportunity to extort vast piles from A.R.S.E. No evidence of 'messy doings' going on below. ARSE has come up spanking new and shiny and at no time have sticky fingers been found in mounds of booty nuggets." Cloys under the finger nails something awful. 

Guess who hasn't been taken his blue pills, or the pinks ones?  Normal service will resumed once I'm pharmaceutically compliant

Be careful of what you pay for.......

Unlocking the genome- but don't hold your breath

The new meds are certainly kicking in and I feel incipient madness slipping away..... According to my wife and mistress, (please don't tell Mrs S- luckily she does not read my nonsense) I've been getting worse of late. So relative sanity is a welcome change. Of course, it is all down to compliance. I might stop taking the blue pills, just because I can. Haven't made my mind up about the pink ones, yet. As promised here is a very sensible post. Not a mention of Mugumbo, or profanity, at all. But I do get the occasional 'ferret' interspersed in the text for no reason at all- baby steps.

It seems everyone is interested in genetics these days. With the unlocking of the genome, there is a wealth of knowledge worthy of plunder. And if there is a buck to be made you can bet there is a corporation just ready to meet your needs, at a price.

Anyone can obtain a genetic profile. Scrape your cheek and put in a pot and send it off for genetic analysis. The cost is about a thousand dollars. So what do you get for your hard earned gelt? A genetic profile which tells a story? The information contained therein is intricate and not easily unravelled. If you expect to be told your genetic heritage or future, then think again. Sadly, the technology is widely available and will produce a wealth of data. But the devil is in the interpretation. And this is where the real problem lies. When confronted with a vast amount of data/cash, any commercial company will give you an answer. This does not mean the answer is correct or relevant. Snake oil in a different format.

I work as a geneticist and analyse genetic profiles every day. Because I work in a clinical and diagnostic setting I have to be circumspect with my interpretation. I am driven by the available data in the published literature. My report is always consistent with known knowledge. Send your sample to a commercial company and a genetic profile becomes manifest. To sift through  genetic variation takes time and frankly commercial enterprises don't have the inclination or motivation to invest in this endeavour. They will, no doubt, come up with a grand report, but to be honest it will mean nothing.

To be told your susceptibility to disease and cancer pleases no one, especially as the interpretation is likely to be incorrect. Go tell it to your insurance broker ferret. Genetic information is incredibly complex to disassemble. I should know, it's my job. If anything, I have learned that genetic systems are wonderfully intricate. They defy simple analysis. To think otherwise is an exercise in futility and madness. The interplay and subtle interaction of our genes is beyond the understanding of man. Complex algorithms may one day be employed to unravel and provide an 'understanding', although I can't help but feel it will fall short. If I have learned anything, is that nothing is as it seems and all is irreducibly and incredibly abstruse! Except ferrets, ferrets are endearingly and maddenly (this may not be a real word- in fact, it is not, I tried to look it up), simple and complex. Flaxen, keep taking the blue pills!