Wednesday, 10 June 2015

Are you Rapture ready?

Hurrah! No dark folk in heaven

Are you Rapture compliant? For most, rapture means a moment of supreme pleasure. To be honest we are talking about exceedingly rare and fleeting events. Only a few chosen mortals are destined to experience an instance of sublime, euphoric bliss (Flaxen, stop talking bollocks). For fundamentalist religious folk it means something else. Many theologies have an 'end time', a time when history, as we know it, becomes suspended and humanity is judged by a 'Higher Power'; most are found wanting/wanking (amounts to the same thing). The righteous will be rewarded and ascend to heaven, whilst the rest face annihilation and oblivion, if they are lucky and if not, eternal torment.

With the coming of the 'Rapture' the select/elect will be physically whisked off the earth to heaven. The evil sinners will remain to face extreme tribulation. There are variations on the main theme, but a common thread suggests that 'the believers' will suddenly and cataclysmically, disappear.  

Strangely, there is no direct mention or narrative of the 'The Rapture' in the bible. 'Theologians', and I use the term loosely, have plundered various sources from the bible and tailored them to fit whatever tale, suits. The concept became popular with evangelical Christians during the latter part of the 19th century. The story continued to develop during the 20th century and interest continues today amongst the usual suspects. Numerous books have been written about the event. Most converts expect the Rapture to occur soon. Various 'signs' are touted to reveal the imminence of the event. The Rapturites (not a real word) get particularly excited about unsettled events in the Middle East. This essentially  means they have remained, for the last century, in a sustained, expectant and pre-orgasmic state- not quite as messy as it sounds.

Several years ago I signed up to a web site that declared its willingness to send an email announcing the Rapture after this singular event had occurred. There will be a bit of a delay as the whole process is based on the ‘dead man’s lever principle'. The reasoning being, once the author of the site has been whisked off to paradise he/she will no longer be able to prevent the automatic sending of an email to the unredeemed, announcing their doom. Although by this time you might have worked it out for your self as all the local Christians (not the Jehovah's Witnesses and Catholic Priests, though) have disappeared. Update: Bugger! I can no longer find the site and the only similar site I can find actually has the temerity to charge for the privilege!  For those of a curious nature, here is the link:

There are a number of websites out in the aether who will gleefully and in graphic detail outline what will transpire when the time comes. Can’t but help think what a bunch of smug, stupid and self satisfied folk they really are. There is a website, which on first encounter, seems to have been set up to  fleece the gullible. It is a Rapture friendly pet adoption service. Once the sanctimonious buggers have been whisked off there will be a lot of stray dogs wandering about: “Hollering hound dog so forlorn”. For a modest fee, they will take in your beloved pet and administer succour and hopefully ‘doggy chow’. The site, as originally intended, is an obvious spoof. The administrator has even stated that the ‘service’ is not to be taken seriously. Nonetheless, the site has attracted paying customers; no accounting for human stupidity. But it doesn’t end there. Rapturites, have been suitably impressed and subsequently set up their own websites offering sincere animal services after the ‘faithful have left the building’. They have managed to round up well meaning atheists who are prepared to act as surrogate owners. It will come as no surprise that a fee is involved.
As ever, I’m intrigued. This madness hails from the US where 50% of the population believe  the Rapture will actually be a future historical event. Clearly for some folk, in the States, the education system has failed them badly. Causality, the renaissance and the scientific revolution has passed them by. They dismiss the fruits of science and knowledge in favour of incoherent, ill considered, primitive nonsense. Most of the ‘Rapture insight’ is based on an eschatology that drips in symbolism and violence, implied and explicit. Follow the warrior storm god and obey, or else you are doomed to be tormented, for eternity, regardless of how morally sound you were in this life. The only virtue which will save you is unquestioning belief. And this is all that is required. The adherents do not regard their belief with any critical faculty. Perhaps if they did they would quickly conclude that it is unsupported by any known knowledge and is complete and utter mugumbojumbo and dare I say it, utter arse- Arse (steady Flaxen).    

Don't worry Rover, we got you covered


  1. I don't know about bloody rapture but the US is definitely full of rupture, I oft times rupture my spleen over the US.
    The end is nigh! Is it? I hope my end is neigh because if I have to go on living in this shit infested crap hole much longer I shall be after your blue or red pills (whichever are stronger) :D

    1. Don't despair, Kath I'll send my meds to you with alacrity. Best taken with a quart of vodka (hIC).

  2. Let's face it, the yanks are full of shit and always will be. Overpaid, oversexed and living down my road. I wish they'd just close their airbases and fuck the fuck off home...

  3. Ah, the Redneck boast.. "My ignorance is greater than yours".

  4. "...Only a few chosen mortals are destined to experience an instance of sublime, euphoric bliss..."

    Yes Flax - only those fortunate enough to live near a Holden's or Batham's establishment: alas, just a distant memory for you now...