Thursday, 11 June 2015

Tipton Love Turbot on the Wane!

Tipton Beach after the clean up
Tangible news from Tipton’s only premier beach, ‘Beacho El Tipton’. Today it can be revealed that routine testing of the water lapping against the scum fringed shore has disclosed the presence of human excrement and weapons grade plutonium. Indeed, the whole beach is resplendent and replete with sizzling shit. 

A typical Tipton resident in repose
Mr ‘Baby Doc’ Vowel, the recently invested Mayor of Tipton, in a press announcement, had this to say: “The detection of harmless contaminants is in no way related to an agreement signed with the Glorious North Korean leader, Dim Pong Un Ping, for the importation of radioactive human faeces. I can assure you, that as the Managing Director of the ‘Glorious Glowing Korean Human Waste Corporation’, and after absconding to Bermuda, I will initiate a full investigation into this matter. In the meantime I would like to stress that the good citizens of Tipton should feel safe to bathe in the enriched, bubbling waters of the ‘Costo Del Radioactive Poo’. I am in no way worried about reports of swimmers sporting extra digits and nipples. This well recognised phenomenon is known to be due to the high coefficient of inbreeding in the area and is completely unrelated to the mutating effects of ionising, high energy, gamma rays. Extra fingers should be seen as a positive boon in the modern world as it aids manual dexterity, no end. And in my opinion, you can’t have too many nipples. Tis also to be noted that under the relentless barrage of radiation (allegedly), used and discarded condoms, known hereabout as, ‘Tipton Love Turbot’ have begun to disintegrate releasing their mucilaginous contents, akimbo”.

Lead lined bathing suit- not to be used in water

Mr Khan of ‘Mr Khan’s Cheap and Useless Urban Survival Equipment and Gimp Suits’, had this to say: “Fear not gentle burghers of Tipton, encompassing parts of Netherton North, but excluding Brierley Hill South, for today I have received a consignment of radiation damaged lead lined bathing suits, guaranteed to keep pesky alpha, beta and gamma particles at bay whilst the wearer is immersed in the warm, turbid and suspiciously sticky waters of ‘Crapo del Monte’.                                                                                                                                                                      

Rare sighting of the Tipton Love Turbot

A worried local environmental activist, Mr ‘Four nipples, three thumbs’, Mugumbo, has noted that the once abundant schools of Tipton Love Turbot are on the wane.  

Not all mutations are useless

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