Friday, 21 February 2020

Crony Virus: Part I

As I negotiate the highways and byways of the great metropolis of Tipton I am often accosted by random drunk folk asking for 20 quid in order that they can indulge their culinary appetite at Mr. Wong’s authentic donner kebab house and exotic disease centre. I look askance and in abject horror berate accordingly: “Have you not heard of the crony virus. A disease so virulent that it can species hop from a ferret to man and back to a slug in a single afternoon. A contagion so contagious that you can become infected simply by looking askance at the virus in a crowded room. A virus so deadly that once it clamps onto your writhing moist organs, you lose all violation of bowel movements and collapse in a disgruntled heap of bubbling ichor. And didn’t you know that Mr. Wong's kebab and rat rescue emporium is a seething hotbed of riotous organisms awaiting a billet to inhabit in order to fester/foster bodily havoc”.

The object of my distilled and disgruntled wisdom usually scurries off with alacrity to find solace in the arms of the local ‘lady of the night’, ten Gilda Hilda. So gentle readers here is Flaxen Saxon’s take on this ‘crony problem’ that skulks and hulks amongst the good folk of Tipton. Take heed and be cognisant.

The virus first alighted and emerged in Tipton after the 8.30pm 127 bus (Birmingham to Tipton, via Smethwick and Coleshill) careened/careered into the local midden pit. The calamitous calamity stirred up detritus and debris that had lain hidden and unbidden in the midden for 1,200 years. An elder virus that had slumbered for a millennium suddenly awoke as if from a slumber (it had been asleep). The virus’ first stop was the Birmingham to Dudley canal. Here it picked its way through the dead dogs and moldy perambulators til it espied (metaphorically speaking- viral particles lack sense organs) the indigenous, itinerant denizen of these parts: ‘Filthy Eric’ (for it is he). At this time ‘our Eric’ happened to be engaged in scraping off the patina from his bespattered and encrusted sundry underwear and dispatching the resultant crud into the foaming, broiling grime besmirched waters that comprise/compose the canals of Tipton. Our intrepid viral particle wafted upon the prevailing Tipton wind and hereby inculcated into Eric’s exposed nether bits and once ensconced began to replicate akimbo........

The virus first became prevalent in Tipton during the 9th century. At the time Tipton was ruled by the unlearned Saxon king: Athelstan ‘The Unready’. This was a time of war and famine and the kingdom of Tipton was gripped in a deadly conflict with the adjacent kingdom of Dudlleeee on Canal. It was whispered on the wind that the crony virus was introduced into the kingdom by a wandering band of gypos. These begrimed, filthy, dirty, scum laden thieving bastards harboured a host, nay a retinue of disease organisms, including impetigo of the kneecaps and scrofula. But it was the crony virus that decimated the good burghers of Tipton. The Tiptonites in order to rid themselves of the pestilent gypos hatched a cunning plan. For it was spread amongst the gypos that a cascade of scrap iron, and the occasional ferret, was about to be dropped awf at the local midden pit. And so the gypos rushed en masse to the midden pit to forage ferrous and ferrets as is their wont. Once the gypos were ensconced and distracted by the shiny iron and the occasional ferret athwart their pantaloons, the thegns of Tipton fell upon them in a frenzy and smote every gypo that tarried in the midden pit, that day. King Athelstan dispatched four score and ten gypos with his mighty sword, ‘Arse, big fat arse, biter’. While his brother Nigel did account for a further fifty gypos with a mighty swing of his double-headed Dane axe, ‘Twat cruncher’. The blood did rage and the blood did spill forming rivulets of crimson clot that soaked/cloaked the midden pit in a sheath of retribution. Afterward, the Tiptonites, satiated and sanguine, heaped the gypo corpses on the midden pit and set fire to the foul vile carrion in an orgy of conflagration. It was hoped that the virus had been vanquished from the land but little did the Tiptonites know that the virus was hibernating and awaiting a more propitious epoch to release its seeds of doom and dread........

To be continued...

Medication is overrated.

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