Saturday, 3 August 2019

Jesus of Tipton or Dudley Depending on Perspective

Tipton Jesus, perhaps?

Mind-boggling news from the sleepy hamlet of Tipton. Professor Teapot Mugumbo of the Tipton Institute of Hard Stuff and Difficult Sums announced that contrary to the Gospel writings, Jesus of Nazareth did not die nailed to a piece of wood in Jerusalem. Now, it can be revealed that when Jesus realised that Judas was about to dob him he thought it prudent to bugger off swiftly catching the 9.15am chariot to pastures new (stopping at the Decapolis, Bethsaida, Phillipi and terminating at the coastal city of Tyre). Thereafter, he caught a swift trireme to Dover, England. Hence, he travelled the byways and canals of England finally ending up in  9th century, Tipton (twas a long journey). At the time Tipton was ruled by the mad Saxon king, Adelbert the Anchorite. Furthermore, once Mary Magdeline caught wind of Jesus’ decamp she followed a similar route, stopping at Wolverhampton and Dudley South before alighting in Tipton. It is known that Mary and Jesus went on to have two children, Loshranda and Gary.  

Once in Tipton, Jesus preached a bit- as was his wont. However, as the Tiptonites did not understand Aramaic they treated the itinerant preacher with utter disdain. It was only after learning West Saxon that Jesus managed to reach the filthy heathen Tiptonites. Often Jesus would climb to the top of the midden heap and deliver his words of solace and wisdom to the lost, smelly and diseased.
Jesus: "Verily I say to you, that before the sun sets on Michaelmas Wednesday there will be a plague of ferrets and the knee caps of the just shall wobble a bit and the fluff in the belly buttons of the righteous shall burn bright with a light that shall not be extinguished. Also, I say to you that you must visit Mr Patel’s Emporium of Cheap Shit and Assorted Crap for all your sundry needs. Today’s special consists of a knocked up paper mache statuette of yours truly buggering off with alacrity moments before the Romans attend the scene accompanied with that twat, Judas. And if you are looking for a true bargain, check out Mr Patel’s rendition of the penultimate supper. In this interpretation in diamante, I appear in repose on a mauve settee resplendent in a robe of finest nylon. This masterpiece is yours for thirty groats or two for fifty groats. A free ferret with purchases over a hundred groats!. Hurry this item is a hot seller and sure to shift off the shelves faster than a gypo covered in goose grease slipping orwf a lead roof".

Not all are convinced by Professor Mugumbo’s revelations. Dr Ipod Mugumbo-Mugumbo (no relation) of the rival academic institute: Dudley University for the very Thick and Hard of Learning, believes this is just a cunning ruse concocted by the professor, of dubious provenance, and Mr Patel to offload a load of cheap tawdry tat that was accumulating a motley patina and a bewildering array of divers detritus in a shed in Netherton North. Mugumbo-Mugumbo cites contrary evidence thusly: “There is scant evidence that England of the 9th century had the necessary infrastructure to support an extensive canal system required for large-scale travel throughout the land. And anyway, I have evidence that Jesus was whisked off by time-travelling teleporting aliens from the first-century AD. After being extensively and exhaustively anally probed, Jesus was deposited in a garret in Dudley, circa 1922. To celebrate and commemorate this implausible event Mr Khan of Mr Khan’s Boutique of Undeniably Shoddy and Sordidly Crafted Crap has knocked up Sharon of Magdala. In addition, you can purchase a piece of the ‘True Dross’ cunningly fashioned in plywood for a meagre and mere, half a quid".   

Professor Ipod Mugumbo-Mugumbo’s research is funded by an endowment furnished by the ‘Khan Foundation’.  

Flaxen is off to collect his medication- it is well overdue..........         


  1. Is, perhaps, your medication periodically available in Sainsbury's at 25% off for six or more bottles? (Or is it mead?)

    1. Mead, the nectars of the gods- keeps the daemons in my head at bay: but only for a brief time.