George Formby and Shagger vs Lugless Douglas

"Can you hear me Dougy"

As you will recall we left our intrepid heroes: George Formby and his grilling ukulele (featuring Shagger the Wonder Ferret) on a Tipton pavement. They had just foiled the evil machinations of the dastardly, Arthur Askey. As you will further recall, the arch villain had been deprived of his legs after an accident involving a chainsaw thus impeding his rapid egress. Indeed, Arthur, subsequently lost his penis in a freak accident to be regaled to my readers at some time in the near future. Notwithstanding (he couldn’t stand), naughty Arthur had made good his escape and had been able to return to his dank lair. No mean feat considering he didn’t have any feet (or a cock).

“Back to the Grilling Cave”, declared George. And so it came to pass that man and ferret hopped on the number 17 bus to George’s bedsit atop the cafe, ‘The Lard Buffet’. Once ensconced in their hovel they dined on an exotic mix of faggot and peas, downed with a pint of foaming ale, ‘Ole Twat Blaster’. Twas then that George received a call, on his ferret phone, from Inspector Enoch ‘kipper’ Mugumbo of the yard. “George, we have a predicament of calamitous proportions. Lugless Douglas has escaped from Tipton prison and has been seen roaming Tipton High street with errant abandon". As you will no doubt further, further, recall, our Dougy was bereft of his pinna (bilateral) after an ill-advised encounter with Mike ‘bites ya lugs’ Tyson. Thereafter, Dougie’s glasses would aslide clean awf his face straight into the local midden pit unless restrained with a couple of bicycle clips. Some aver that it was the loss of his ears that turned our villain from a pillock of society to a very, very, naughty boy. And so Dougy, sans lugs, became an arsonist (Dougy prefers to be called an incendiary, as he considers the monicker, arsonist, pejorative and an affront to his dignity and human rights). He would target optician stores throughout the borough of Tipton and surrounding environs (Dudley excluded) sending the beleaguered shops into a fiery inferno and conflagration of hellish proportions. For his spate of arsony- ARSE (not a real word) Dougy was sentenced to 15 years to be served in the infamous, ‘Tipton Gaol’. A grime besmirched Victorian monstrosity rumoured to hold the notorious, infamous criminal, ‘Stinky Eric’- he of terminal halitosis fame.

“Shagger, to the ‘ferret mobile”. Shagger and George alighted upon a tandom/random bicycle and pedalled furiously. As a digression: in truth, only fullsome toothsome George provided the propelling motivation and guided the vehicle. This should come as no surprise as Shagger’s legs could not quite reach the pedals and he lacked the opposable thumbs requisite for a secure grip on the handlebars.

Our heroic duo arrived in Tipton High street adjacent to Mr Khan’s Optical Emporium and Halal Aboiteur of Renown. Our dodgy Dougy was observed alighting/loitering in said store and was caught flagrantly setting light to a particularly volatile, optically viable, lamb cutlet. Before George could intervene the store burst into a mass of flames reminiscent of Dante’s Inferno. Dougie’s escape was obstructed by a full-size statue of Michelangelo's David rendered in rendered tallow from the finest goose fat. In this particular rendition, the stature’s naughty bits were uncharacteristically covered with an artfully crafted imitation kaleidoscope. If viewed from a jaunty angle the micropenis dissolved unto a multitude of fractured iridescence: I’m starting to digress/regress. The statue disintegrated under the immense heat smearing the unfortunate criminal in frying grade fat. Without his pinna, to deflect the boiling fat, the roiling grease found its way into his external auditory meatus. Thereafter it reached Dougie’s cerebral cortex (10 minutes a side, rotate after 5 minutes) cooking it to a tender mush. Dougie relinquished the gift of life and became one with the blazing building. The store could not be saved and Mr Khan lost his valuable collection of salty, pickled comestible, sweetmeats. We shall never see their like again.

Undaunted, our heroic duo could intervene no more and therefore retreated to the grilling cave to await developments anew. Once ensconced, George addressed his ferrety friend thusly: “Well Shagger, another Tipton villain has been thwarted in his criminal endeavour. We shall never cease our vigilance and heroic ministrations and we will always be ready to deliver extreme unction to all Tipton’s criminal class until peace descends supreme on this filth besmirched land. Arse". 

                     

I've written about Legless Douglas before. See here.