Valuable Research Elucidated- Once Again

                  

Dr Kidkill in repose

Forget the furore and controversy concerning the moot topics of global warming and globalisation. Instead, contemplate the subject investigated and published in the ‘The Journal of Pediatrics and Child Health’. A paper of grave import and concern for the future of humankind. This valued study recruited 6 paediatricians in an effort to discover transit times of a swallowed Lego toy. 

Although research has been previously conducted looking at transit times of coins, of various denominations, traversing the gastrointestinal tract, there has been no prior work with regard to the ingestion of plastic toys. As a baseline, our intrepid explorers of the unknown first established their regular bowel habits, or Stool Hardness and Transit (SHAT) score before ingesting a plastic Lego head. The transit time was then recorded and translated into a Found and Retrieved Time (FART) score. 

The conclusion: on average, it took 1.71 days for the researchers to retrieve the LEGO toys from stools. It is to be noted, however, that in one instance the Lego head was not retrieved and is assumed to remain supine and lodged in a crevice in the large intestine - perhaps on the second shelf; no shit. It is sincerely hoped that the poor subject is not the future recipient of a colonoscopy. The discovery of a head staring back at the proctologist might elicit feelings of doom and despondency in both parties. 

There are, I fear, certain limitations of the study which need to be brought to the attention of the astute reader. For instance, the study was limited in size and scope. The experiment was based on the paltry observation from five subjects. The intestinal length of a child’s intestinal tract is markedly different from an adult and this factor will undoubtedly affect the FART score. Furthermore, it would be of interest to track Lego items of different sizes and morphologies. 

Although the study under current discussion is not without intrinsic merit, there is much follow up work to be done.    

I refer to the conclusion reached by our undaunted researchers and subjects.

“This will reassure parents, and the authors advocate that no parent should be expected to search through their child’s faeces to prove object retrieval.” 

In the light of my scathing, nay damning criticism, I conclude that this assertion is rather premature. I suspect that parents will be ploughing through their kiddie’s waste to reveal foreign artefacts for quite a while, yet. 

For the next study, mayhap?