Friday, 23 December 2016

Holey Duvet of Tipton

The Holey Duvet of Tipton supine
Amazing news from the ill famed/fated delightful spa town of Tipton cosily lingering in the vale of the beautiful West Midlands like a fart on a windless day. For it can be revealed, on this day, that the ‘Holey Duvet of Tipton' has been unearthed in the grounds of Mr Khan’s, 'Emporium for all the cheap shitty stuff which normally breaks within three days of purchase'. There is no doubt that the duvet is the original duvet containing the imprint of Reg, The Inebriate's, shell suit (all praise to the relic).
As you will no doubt recall, Reg was returning along the towpath of the Birmingham to Dudley canal after a particularly heavy spiritual (100 proof) session at the temple of imbibing, ‘The Felching Ferret’. Although late at night, Reg was mysteriously guided by a throbbing headache and fell face first into the dark, dank, murky waters of said canal. In Reg’s own words: “Twas an awakening, an epiphany. As my eyes opened I was suddenly confronted with the bloated corpse of the local itinerant, 'Filthy Eric'. I swear I saw a limpid eye open and slowly wink before the gas inflated body bobbed out of sight and explode in a cascade of colour and intestine. In a moment I saw my future revealed. This baptism in the noisome waters of the canal had not only infused a particularly nasty, chronic and extremely pruritic skin condition it had also revealed my inner calling. I was to fondle and lead a sect of acolytes. Only the youngest, fairest and well endowed women would be allowed to partake of the mystery and arcane ceremonies (especially the fondling)."
Upon reaching home, Reg, in a fit of fervour and religious ecstasy, collapsed akimbo upon his bed. On repose Reg fell into a deep reverie and lay prostrate for a full twelve hours on the ‘Holey Duvet of Tipton’ (blessed be, the holey duvet of Tipton). On awakening the ambient light seemed infused with a bright and highly incandescent quality thus turning Reg into a quasi man/god. During the night an ethereal imprint of Reg's beatiferous (not a real word) form had mysteriously became manifest upon the duvet. The stain, if it was a stain, was not of earthly resonance and gave off a strange and unpleasant odour/ordure. A perfect likeness had insinuated upon the polyester fibres as if a gossamer secretion had emanated from Reg's every pore, cavity and orifice.
Reg was so impressed that he immediately discarded the 'Holey Duvet of Tipton' over the wall into the courtyard of Mr Khan's Emporium etc etc. There it lay unmolested and inviolate for 10 years………During a divinely inspired health and safety inspection, Mr Khan found ‘The Holey Duvet of Tipton’ nestling majestically between two dead dogs. Mr Khan immediately recognised the religious artefact for what it was. Poignantly, Reg is no longer with us as he was whisked off and ascended to the gods at the time of the ‘Great Fire of Tipton’ and never seen again. No doubt he watches us mortals as we parade our banal, pitiful lives and bestows beneficence with divine and wanton abandon.
The priceless duvet can be purchased from Mr Khan’s etc, etc for £20.99 or £180.00 for 10. Arse.
Filthy Eric, in repose

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