"Why all the smut? Do you get any questions from readers not relating to body parts or sex?"
|Fanny Itch akimbo|
A fair and pertinent question, Mrs Fannyitch. Indeed, often in the pub I’m accosted by vague acquaintances and asked about the validity and viability of alternative energy sources. Here is Flaxen Saxon’s, lean, green, alternative energy compendium, for our new exciting age. By the way, have you tried Canesten?
"The council have installed a windmill on top of my roof. I am very happy with the bone jarring whine and the way it chops up the local bird life. Unfortunately it stops working when there is no wind. Invariably the generator goes off in the middle of Coronation Street, just as Seth, Benny and Miss Diane are about to go to ‘top field’. I explained this to the Council, but they told me to fuck off. Any advice on the matter?"
Persuade your council to attach the windmill to the national grid. In that way you will receive all the wind you need on a daily basis, irrespective of the weather. By the way, Seth, Benny and Miss Diane are killed when
|Mr Bryan Stem|
"My perpetual motion machine has stopped working as the machine’s rechargeable batteries have run low. Please advise how I can get the machine working again so I can continue to enjoy the free energy it provides."
Perpetual energy machines violate either the first or second law of thermodynamics. Therefore, I suggest you obtain a second perpetual motion machine, making sure that the batteries are fully charged, and link it to your original machine, thus ensuring your continued access to a free and eternal energy source.
"The council have installed a solar panel on my roof. Although connected to the water tank it has not produced the electricity as promised. As directed, I’ve arranged for the water to trickle down the electric cable but all I got was a flash and a bang. Also, it has electrocuted my beloved ferret ‘Arsebiter’, who had the endearing habit of hanging around electrical sockets. My question is: Is it possible to recycle 'Arsebiter' in a sustainable, biodegradable way? Please respond quickly as old 'Arsebiter' is starting to pong and ooze on the linoleum."
|Arsebiter, pushing up the daisies|
Collect poor old 'Arsebiter' and compress him into a briquette. Insert a wick up his arse- aim for the white spot. At a single stroke you have produced an eco-friendly candle which is liable to cast an oily, guttering, stench fuelled light upon your sad, limited and wretched existence.
"Our local council is firmly committed to tidal power. They have convened a committee and have engaged a company to set up a working party. Prominent council members have just returned from a two week, all expenses paid, trip to
Alas, there is no cure for ‘brothel sprouts’. Are you by chance acquainted with Miss Fannyitch?
|Mr Twinkle's twinkle- Dat gotta itch|