Tuesday, 6 January 2015

Sex scandal and the Prince of Tipton

Flaxen and Athelstan in repose
The Saxon kingdom of Tipton has been rocked, once again, by a sex scandal which is predicted to shake the kingdom to its morally decayed foundations. The kingdom ruled with an arthritic hand by the mad Saxon King, Flaxen ‘The Addled’  has been bedevilled with rumours and frank accusations of sexual impropriety involving  Flaxen’s  son and heir, Prince Athelstan, the ‘Forever Unready’. Athelstan stands accused of consorting with convicted sex offenders and associating with strumpets barely nubile. When confronted with the accusations, Prince Athelstan pronounced thusly: “Who dares accuse the Prince of gross moral turpitude and cavorting with wenches barely past puberty who expose their pudenda’s  for a groat, excluding weekends and holidays, whence the tariff extends to three groats for a four hour session. Show me the knaves and I will rid them of their turbulent heads, unless they pay me to the tune of 12 pounds of refined silver and allow access to their daughters.”

Prince Athelstan’s ex-wife, Berthilda ‘The Haggard’ had this to say about the Prince: “The Prince is a lovely man and a kind husband to his daughters, Grunhild and Emmalind. I would be still married to him today if it wasn’t for his penchant for having sex with underage girls. That’ll be 10,000 groats and 100 flagons of your finest mead, thank you very much.”  

10,000 Gilda Berthilda
King Flaxen is bemused at the accusations of indelicacy/indecency and spoke as if in a drunken reverie: “What is the point of belonging to royalty if you can’t do what you like and get away with it? You never heard anything of the kind said about my father, King Adric ‘The Philanderer’. The scribes knew their place and if they didn’t conform to our quaint tradition they would find themselves accidently thrown headfirst into the midden pit. The rest of the body would be given to the royal ferrets for their sport. 

The royal ferret, 'Shagger'

1 comment:

  1. Excellent. It'll probably end up in Private Eye next week...