Friday, 7 February 2014

Outside the Great Hall: Part V

Flaxen sat majestically and completely pissed upon his great chair outside the great hall. The retinue clustered around the midden pit which was brimming with raspberry jelly. Standing in front of Flaxen stood Brynhildr and Edith, both naked and lightly smeared with the finest scented lard. In order to test their love for Flaxen the fair maids had agreed to a jelly wrestling contest in the midden pit.  Harold the Herald was acting as commentator and referee in this 3 minute bout, 8 round, grudge match.

Harold: “Ladies and gentlemen, in the squalid corner we have the fair Brynhildr weighing in as a 42 inch D cup. In the rank corner we have the elegant Edith ‘Swan Neck’ sporting a modest 32 inch B cup. Ladies, I want a clean match. No nipple tweaking, twat munching, arse fisting and definitely no twerking.”

The match began, as predicted, with a strong spirited start from Brynhildr. A blinding flick of her golden tresses was followed up with a stinging face slap from her ample and pendulous bosom. Edith reeled under the onslaught but recovered strongly, retrieved her hat pin, and plunged it deep into Brynhildr’s vitals. Brynhildr screamed, gasped and fell lifeless into the jelly where she was consumed and sank without a trace, never to be seen again, possibly.

Flaxen: “Fuck, is that it? I paid 50 groats to organise this match and it is all over in a thrice.”

Harold: “My Lord, we still have the leper shaking, dwarf stretching and topless darts to come.”

Flaxen: “Bring on the lepers. And this time I want them weighed before and after the shaking.”

To be continued……..



  1. "twerking"?

    I don't want to know.

  2. I am reminded of the Trondheim Hammer Dance which is performed every 25 minutes in the village of Trondheim. First, the young maidens are stripped naked and then thrown into the fjord with their boots tied around their necks...

    Dwarf stretching? I have heard of cunt stretching. When the cunt reaches 6 foot, they put a blue helmet on it and stand it on point duty...

    Just back from airport. Up all night and got no sleep either.