Onan was a wanker

Knock, knock, knock on heaven's door

Tis no surprise that the religiously minded are against masturbation. In the 19^th century, masturbation was associated with madness, blindness and a feeble intellect. No data were produced to support the association. No matter, in those days the young tended to listen to their elders and accepted this sort of thing, uncritically.  Not so in the modern age. The psychological harm must have been prodigious. No wonder we lost the Empire. It was knocked down circa 1976: had many happy moments there, snogging in the back row. I've digressed. The religious  have thought anew and have regressed into the Dark Ages. I blame it on too much wanking in the seminary/semenary. The radical Christian right now invokes the Devil for everything. He is everywhere waiting to pounce on the unrepentant sinner. Don't touch your naughty bits! Masturbation, by either sex, equates to eternal damnation. Okay, being sent to the 'hot place' for wanking is a bit extreme, but surely tis a sin worthy of some form of punishment? Seems a bit unfair to me. God provides the ‘pleasure buttons’ then tells us not to press. To my mind, it makes god a bit of a wanker himself.
http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=61869 

Of course, the above illustration is a spoof but reflects the view of many religious loonies out there. The religious right are so fucking righteous that it is often difficult to sift the humour from the dogma.  

I am doomed I tell ya, DOOMED! My eyesight and hearing are failing but at least I've retained my sanity. Arse.

The Devil's Dumplings

Flaxen Saxon's Sexual Healing: A Trilogy in four Parts

A concerned reader writes

Some folk don't need contraception

Dear Flaxen Saxon,

I solicit your advice on a sensitive and personal matter. I’m to be married in two weeks and would like your opinion on the most suitable contraceptive method for a newly married woman. I must mention that I’m a vegan, virgin and believe that to relinquish my maidenhead to my beloved, on my marriage night, is the greatest gift a woman can bestow on a man. I won’t use the contraceptive pill as my body is a temple. Also my intended eschews the contraceptive sheath as burning rubber releases dangerous polycarbonate hydrocarbons which are harmful to pristine rain forest habitats. I spoke to my doctor about this matter but he said he wasn't qualified to provide contraceptive advice. However, he’d met a bloke in a Smethwick pub who knew this Flaxen Saxon fellow who had a first aid certificate issued in 1974 by the Red Cross……[ad nauseum].

Flaxen Saxon dispenses wisdom with aplomb

First off, I applaud your diligence in maintaining an intact and un-nudged snatch. Where I come from the initial courtship ritual usually involves your mates holding the chosen maiden down. Consequently, there are no fragrant flowers to be plucked past the age of 16; a few ugly birds aside. Mrs Saxon can barely keep her knickers on and had performed ‘the hymen manourvre’ when she was 13. By the time I picked her up in the ‘Chain Makers Arms’ Bilsley, in 1978, she had already straddled her way through most of the men folk from Halesowen to West Bromwich. I digress. Here are my top 5 contraceptive methods for you green, left wing, tofu eating, middle-class twats:

    Blu Twat

1. Place a small piece of rolled up blu tac in the eyelet of the erect member. The main side effect, on release, is usually a slight bilateral swelling of the testicles. Don’t be alarmed! Pressure can be relieved by the application of a sterile wooden skewer. Beware of a catastrophic ballistic blowout. In such an eventuality, you may lose a tonsil or ovary, depending on circumstance. Look on the bright side and lose an ovary, thus decreasing your chance to conceive by 50%.

     Coitus Ani in situ: 'One up the bum, no harm done'         

2. Method is self-explanatory. There are no known side effects. Arse, big sore, arse.

     Salt 'n' Shake

3. Tie an empty crisp packet on the ‘old oak tree’. I like to use empty salt ‘n’ vinegar crisp packets as they have the added bonus of containing an active spermicide. Do not be tempted to use an empty packet from Walkers latest range: 'hot chilli and wasabi sauce.'

     Pearls of Jisdom

4. This is an advanced technique and should only be practiced by those possessed of an iron will. Withdraw member just prior to popping. Aim for the belly button. With practice and diligence you should be able to paint animal shapes on your loved ones stomach.

     Rad the Nad

5. Tape down the safety switch on your microwave. Close the door on your testicles (not too tight- otherwise refer to method 6). Turn the microwave on- don’t forget to rotate. Of course, the trick with this technique is to apply sufficient radiation to render the recipient temporary infertile without the need to visit the local Accident and Emergency Department.

Method number 6

Keep the questions coming gentle readers and the beautifully formed and flaxen haired one will endeavour to provide pertinent answers to your most perplexing conundrums and problems. Soapy tit wank. 

Did the earth move for you?

Aristotle: Reminds me of a blogger mate of mine. I think we should be told.

If the earth is spinning at 840 mph, why is it when we jump in the air the ground below us doesn’t move? What a good question, I’m glad you asked it. Common sense dictates that during our sojourn in the air the earth would have passed us by and we would probably be dashed unto death against the nearest concrete building. It doesn’t happen, of course. You could argue that this doesn’t occur because the earth is not revolving a jot. Tis stationary and it is the golden global thingy in the sky which moves around the earth; makes sense doesn’t it? Mayhap the world is flat. 

A few Greek philosophers in 5th century BC gave credence to the possibility of earth’s rotation. However, Aristotle (in the 4th century BC) favoured a static earth. Such was Aristotle’s reputation that this view became fixed in the minds of men. Aristotle was an astonishing individual and if his work had remained the basis for future study all would have been well. Unfortunately, the great man was so revered by later generations that constructive thought and speculation ossified for over 15 hundred years. Thus Thomas Aquinas, the definitive 13th-century catholic scholar, believed in a stationary earth mostly because of Aristotle's authority. We would have to wait until the 16th century for the earth to start to move in earnest. The astronomer, Nicolaus Copernicus, in the 16th century proposed a rotating earth. The medieval scholastic world was coming to an end and the modern scientific age beckoned, with aplomb. Although at the time many scholars, especially catholic scholars, rejected the notion mainly on the basis of theology rather than sound scientific theory. 

The reason we are not all dashed to pieces as the earth rotates is a consequence of 'conservation of momentum.' As the earth spins, the atmosphere and everything on the earth's surface continue to move with the earth at the same speed. Consider yourself in a moving train travelling at 60 mph. If you jumped would you expect to land further down the carriage? Of course not- because you are travelling at the same speed as the train. The earth imparts momentum which is conserved as predicted and shown experimentally by Isaac Newton. Objects will keep moving at the same velocity unless a force is applied. The force required to overcome the earth's momentum would be prodigious. 

Few today would dispute that the earth spins on its axis. Scientific theory and observation have proved beyond a doubt that indeed this is the case. To think otherwise is an exercise in futility and madness. But there are Muslim Clerics who would teach otherwise. Sheik Bandar al-Khaibari is to be seen on YouTube expressing the view that "the earth is stationary and does not move." He backs up his claim with spurious logic. I have included a link to this illustrious video where the good Sheik explains why we foolish Westerners have got it all wrong. The musings are risible because of the Sheik's rhetorical sincerity. Let us be frank, this sort of nonsense has no place in the modern world. It belongs to a world that should have withered away a long time ago. Radical Muslims can believe what they like while we more enlightened folk snigger from the sidelines. Unfortunately, they would, if they could, impose their primitive beliefs on us all and this is something we should resist with all our power and  will.

Newton: Let there be light, mechanics, laws of the universe, calculus.......

 

Sheik: Let the earth be flat
 Arse 
Watch and weep

Arrrrgh! Now you know why I want to burn stuff on a regular basis

Democracy in 10th century England

Arse

As I sat upon my throne, in the Great Hall, pondering on the inherent absurdity of the  bitter sweet existence, which we call life, I was suddenly aroused from my reverie by the appearance of a lowly thegn. He approached my throne with ill-considered demeanour and gait. "King Flaxen, I approach you as a lowly thegn but would speak to you as a man. Are men not made the same and have the same loves and aspirations?" NO.

I thought anew. As king, my thoughts and aspirations are not of a thegn. Thegns do not know the love of a thousand wenches and have not sent a thousand men to their doom (or Valhalla) on the matter of whim or honour.

And so the thegn apprised me of things I didn't care about. He waxed much about the concept of Democracy. Apparently, a thousand years ago, a civilisation, long gone, decided that the best government should be elected by the 'best' men in the city. Women and slaves never entered the ballot box. So far, I could see nothing which would cause consternation. The city with this notion fell to the sword by a people who practised  Democracy, not at all. However, they practised war better than their neighbours.

So, he told me, that men deserve to choose who rules and influences their fate. Apparently there are several kings to choose from. All the thegns line up and throw a bone into cauldrons. Then someone who is not considered partisan counts the bones. The king with the most knuckle bones is King! But king for four years only. Thereafter, it starts anew.  Interesting, no doubt.

I reminded the impudent thegn that I ruled the kingdom because my father did. And that is democracy, in an instant. 

Down Syndrome

The culprit- 'bad chromosome'

As my regular readers are aware, I'm a professional human geneticist. I reached the profession, via a tortuous route, many years ago. Prior to working in a genetics lab, I was a botanist. I couldn't make the transition these days, my background and degrees are all wrong. Arse.

Yesterday, I gave a talk to my colleagues and peers about Down syndrome. Most folk have heard of Down syndrome. It is the most common of the chromosome disorders and is caused by an additional chromosome 21 raising the human chromosome complement from 46 to 47. The presence of the extra 300 genes causes disruption to normal embryogenesis resulting in the stigmata associated with typical Down syndrome, and of course the intellectual deficit.  

Down syndrome individuals are instantly recognisable. There is a collective ‘look’ about them that’s not just confined to their highly distinctive facial features. You could identify a Down syndrome person from behind, I’m sure, without seeing their face. Their gait, their whole habitus, is instantly discernable.

They suffer from a whole host of medical problems due to that pesky extra chromosome. Congenital heart disease and other organ defects are common. There is also an increased incidence of leukaemia and an inherent predisposition to other conditions. The thrust of my lecture was concerned with the phenomenon of premature ageing and Down syndrome; tis a well described feature of the condition.

Ageing is a strange disease and we are still not sure why it occurs. We don’t all age at the same rate. I’m not talking chronological age, but biological age. Clearly, ageing is a complex choreography between our genetics and the way we choose to live our lives. Genetics plays a greater role than most doctors let on to their patients. I suppose this is a ‘trick’ to make us live healthy lives, but in most instances the tactic fails miserably. But regardless, some of us are genetically favoured and some less so. Down syndrome individuals fall conclusively into the latter category. Not only do they age faster than the general population, they also have reduced life expectancy. With old age come the diseases of old age. Arthritis and degenerative physical disease come to the fore. We become less mentally acute and are prone to the neurodegenerative diseases, such as Alzheimer’s. Thus is the great pageant which is life (bugger nuts). Down’s individuals experience all this, but earlier.

Life expectancy in the civilised world has been climbing steadily over the past 100 years, and in parallel, the life expectancy for the Down’s population has soared. In 1929 live expectancy was 9 years, whilst today it is closer to 60. Better health and medical care are the likely causes. Although, I suspect in times of yore, infanticide was overtly or covertly practiced.

The incidence of Down syndrome is on the wane. This is due to improvements in prenatal screening. Theoretically, at least, and in the ‘ideal’ hospital setting 90% of Down’s pregnancies can be identified by a maternal blood test together with a detailed ultrasound scan. This is a screening test with many false positives and the definitive diagnosis still requires an invasive test and an examination of foetal chromosomes.  Most women choose to terminate when confronted with a foetus with a chromosomal disorder. And let’s be honest, who can blame them.

Over recent years, Down syndrome advocacy groups have arisen. They argue that Down syndrome individuals can lead happy and fulfilling lives. This cannot be denied. From my experience, parents choosing to terminate a Down's pregnancy are devastated. Terminating life should never be easy. The fact that most couples decide to terminate reflects reality. Raising and caring for a Down syndrome child is  exacting, draining, and emotionally and economically punishing. Their potential child will never live a full and independent life, and they know it.

The extreme end of the Down syndrome advocacy group use highly charged emotional terms and arguments not rooted in fact, or reality. Some argue that to terminate a Down's pregnancy is akin to eugenics and have the temerity to compare it to Hitler's programme of enforced 'euthanasia' for the mentally feeble. They do themselves no justice with such arguments and comparisons and only serve to raise spurious content which adds nothing to the furtherance of frank and honest debate.

Personally, I am firmly with the parents and their brave decisions. Caring for and raising  a child without mental disability is challenging enough. To embark on the journey knowing the route and the final chilling destination is a parental burden few would knowingly take.     

In the interests of balance- read this and weep:  http://www.voiceforlife.org.nz/eugenics-down-syndrome-from-slippery-slopes-to-play-ground-slides/   

Bert, the oldest living Down syndrome. Died at 83

     

Anyway, I’m off to drink beer and smoke a good cigar with my son….                 

Fat Bergs

Fatty deposits: Pipe or artery? 

Ever wondered what happens to the chip fat which is lovingly dispatched down the sink? Hope you remember to apply copious amounts of hot water so it doesn’t congeal into a mass causing blockage and backup. Thus the oils and fat flow clean away, out of sight and mind…….

When the fat hits the cold, foul, sewer water, it coalesces. It associates with other globules of fat, inappropriately discarded tampons and other unmentionable substances.  All this forms a cold, slimy, glutinous alliance and matrix. And then it starts to grow. In this way, it mimics the deposition of fatty plaques in the cardiac arteries of the genetically unlucky. And the eventual result is the same. The bore diminishes until occlusion occurs; then the system infarcts.  For the unfortunate human, the outcome is a heart attack. In the sewer, fetid water and excrement, seep or rush to the surface depending on back pressure. Like coronary heart disease the fatty build-up in sewers can take generations to cause catastrophe.

Recently a 15 ton ‘fat berg’ (for it is they), about the size of a school bus, was discovered in the London sewer system. It took more than a month to dissipate the berg and free the blockage.

But fear not gentle readers, the fat/excrement will not be put to waste (ged it?). London council intends to burn it in one massive conflagration to power a turbine. It is estimated that 130 gigawatt- hours will be produced, enough energy to supply power for 40,000 London homes.  

If diligent sewerage workers hadn’t detected the blob, then eventually the streets of London would have been awash with raw sewage. The smell and the chaos would have been unimaginable- but would anyone have noticed? Arse, big smelly, arse……

Fat Bird

The Mayor of Tipton vows to visit the glorious Democratic Republic of North Korea

The Mayor and Fanny

Today, it was announced in Tipton's premier newspaper, 'The Tipton Bugle, incorporating parts of Netherton North and South Dudley environs', that the Right Honourable Mayor of Tipton, the esteemed Enoch Vowel will be embarking on a fact finding mission to the glorious Democratic Republic of North Korea. Mr Vowel was quick to reassure Tipton rate payers, saying: "I would like to reassure Tipton rate payers by saying that this trip will be fully covered by Council funds."

Mr Vowel will be accompanied by his voluptuous secretary, Miss Fanny Akimbo. Miss Akimbo is hoping to learn how to use Microsoft Word whilst in North Korea.

As a good will gesture, Mr Vowel will take along the entire population of the Tipton dog pound. The dogs will find refuge and heaven at Pyongyang's only restaurant, 'The Dog's Bollocks'. Let's take a look at today's menu:

ALL FOOD ACCOMPANIED BY FRIED LICE

Lab on a stick

Fido fries

Pooch and Prawn (sans prawn)

Lassie never came home fries

Hot dogs

Poodle noodles

Chow mein

Bichon fries

Spaghetti bolognese

Egg and chips

A 'dogy bag ' is always available.

Mr Vowel is expected to enter into high powered talks with North Korea's glorious leader: Kim Dim Sum. Topics on the agenda are likely to include discussions on Tipton’s appalling human rights record and the burgeoning stray dog problem. Arse.