Shock-breaking news from the Kingdom of Tipton! Prinz Landrew has been stripped of the title/entitlement, Duke of Netherton North, and from now on will simply be addressed as Nonce Landrew. However, he will still retain the epithet, 'The Befuddled' when dining at 'Piazza Slop', Stewpony. This further development came forth following the discovery of a parchment documenting the alleged activities of the ponce, which were deemed unbecoming of his royal status. Read on and savour the events leading up to the fall of Landrew in addition to recent allegations bringing this saga to an incandescent, fiery climax.
Several years ago, in an interview conducted in full view of the Tipton folk, Landrew faced questions and accusations concerning cavorting with girls barely past maidenhood. During the interrogation, Landrew denied ever meeting with such maids and made clear that a charcoal sketch showing him banging a wench on the cusp of puberty was not a true likeness, and he had no recollection of a famed portrait artist present at the proceedings. When asked about his association with Sir Godfrey 'The Bawdy', he stated he only visited Godfrey at his luxurious Dudley Castle apartments so he could pick up a misplaced cod piece. At the time, Godfrey had been indicted on several counts of: 'Procurring nubile maids, by the wagon full, at the princely sum of 50 groats a cord'. It was pointed out that all 12 meetings with the disgraced Godfrey had occurred whilst Godfrey was hosting one of his infamous 'Fuck /Fests/Feasts Akimbo'. The former prince strenuously denied ever being involved in the Fests, as it was way past his accustomed bedtime. When asked about the sweaty, greasy trail leading to the dungeon room, that allegedly had smelt 'regal', the prince replied that it could not have been him as his sebum-secreting glands had mysteriously vanished at a brothel in Tewkswbury decades before the supposed incident.
A maiden who had allegedly serviced the young prince petitioned the High Court of the Land for redress. In response/nonce, Landrew declared he had never met the maiden, and to prove his innocence, the dowager queen, Lizbert 'The Ill Advised' decided to pay the impuning/impudent wench the princely sum of 500 groats and a town house on the 'Costa del Sol (Hola!). Recently, a scroll was unearthed documenting the alleged scurrilous behaviour of Landrew and a host of notables/nobles of the land. The king of Tipton, Karl III 'The Lech', was displeased with his brother as it bestirred the proles of the land and made them think more deeply about the role of the monarchy in general. This is particularly resonant with a populace fed up with a bunch of freeloading, untalented, entitled twats bestriding the land as if they own it (Cornwall excluded). Mayhap, the serfs will revolt and rise up in the land. Something had to be done to deflect the helots from scrutinising the royal house further, thus unearthing past and present indiscretions. Woden forbid that the peons find out about the activities of the deceased consort of the dead queen, Prinzz Phil Anderer.
Not only will Landrew be stripped of his titles, but he will be evicted from his luxury castle accommodation, which he shares with a former flame-haired concubine. His punishment: the former prince will be banished to Portugal, where he will languish in an opulent castle next to a private beach. Here he will wither in disgraced exile with riches beyond count. Such a fitting end for the ex-royal wretch!
Notus Bene: After reading my nascent post, prior to publishing, my wife beseeched me to remove a sentence involving the poor woman at the centre of this insanity. On reflection, I realised that my dear wife had a point, and I had crossed the fine line between satire and poor taste. There is no doubt that there are occasions when my style transgresses the bounds of common decency. In this instance, removing the offending/offensive sentence does not detract from the thrust of this piece. Sadly, Mrs G found little peace and happiness in this life. If there is an afterlife, which I doubt, she is deserved of ultimate bliss and perhaps justice that she was denied in this life.
So it would now be legitimate to style him “The Andrew formerly known as Prince”.
ReplyDelete