Wednesday 28 February 2024

HMS Plop Plop

HMS Plop Plop Rules the Canal's Undercurrent

We truly live in wonderous times! Today marks the ceremonial launch of His Mayoral Ship, Plop, Plop.

Today, on the Tipton to Dudley canal, incorporating Netherton North and Smethwick, the Mayor of Tipton, the Honorable Mr. Enoch Vowel, will be inaugurating and presiding over the launch of the formidable, newly commissioned warship HMS Plop, Plop. This mighty ship will propel Tipton into the premier league and thrust sea power beyond the borders of Tipton and associated environs. The imposing Plop Plop measuring 24 x 16 x 10 cubits will no doubt sail the West Mercian canal system as an impressive ambassador and showcase of Tipton's Imperial Power. A true Behemoth of impending doom. Apart from up-to-date technology (has a digital tele), Plop Plop, will be able to deliver a comprehensive and simultaneous broadside equivalent to 34-foot pounds, or 25 Newtons of raw unmitigated power! The enemies of Tipton will shake with tumultuous awe.

Behold the Leviathan of the West Midland canal system! Note well, the thrusting power that is rightly projected beyond Tipton's exalted borders.  

 Affixed to the prow is a figurehead- a proud effigy of Tipton's esteemed mascot and totem animal, 'Shagger the Ferret' (go Shagger!).

For this most auspicious occasion, the Poet Laureate, IPhone Ten Mugumbo, penned a timeless masterpiece to be specifically enunciated with impeccable diction by the Hon. Vowel.  Read and weep.   

O Plop Plop, you are beyond compare,

A vessel unmatched in dread and wonderment.

May you navigate the wide canals of the land with veritable aplomb.

Your mighty frame dominates the waterways like a mighty dominaty

(not a real word) thing,

And brings forth glory unto majestic Tipton, akimbo!


Today, the Honourable Vowel was ably assisted by the local itinerant, 'Filthy Eric'. After prising Eric from his usual supine and decumbent/recumbent position at the local hostelry, 'The Feltching Ferret', he was forcefully prodded (electrically assisted) unto the milling throng. Eric provided local colour and life to the proceedings due to his rubicund visage and writhing indigenous fauna. After muttering 'Arse' several times, Eric consecrated the proceedings by chucking a bottle of 'Brown Ale' at the port side of HMS Plop Plop, followed sequentially by a plate bedecked with a generous porcine portion of 'faggots and peas'. 

Whereupon, after receiving such fare, HMS Plop Plop sank, unceremoniously, to the bottom of the cut without prejudice.  

And there it remains a sentinel bulwark to Tipton's divine glory.

A submarine of static proclivities, forever watchful, guarding the approaches from foreign powers, should they decide to invade Tipton by canal. 

Later that day, Filthy Eric was found a bobbing, face down, in the canal. His position marks the spot of the last known sighting of the regal Plop Plop. Eric will forever* act as a beacon, flopping according to flow and microorganisms, at the very location of HMS Plop Plop.  

* Nota Bene: This represents a figure of speech. No doubt, Filthy Eric's body will, within a few days, experience gaseous bloat (hydrogen sulphide, putrescene & cadaverine) due to decomposition ably assisted by enteric bacteria. Once the body experiences further decay, the noisome fetid odour/ordure will become a salient feature of the ongoing process. However, it must be noted that Eric's hygiene was none too fastidious during life, hence the appellation, 'Filthy'. Eventually, skin slippage will ensue, together with ligament decay, resulting in the dislocation of skeletal remains. These bony disarticulations will sink and lie atop Plop, Plop, or adjacent therein, dependent upon ebb and flow.


  1. Flax, you are truely a damn gifted filmmaker (who to fck is David Lynch?) Watching this suberb picture I´m left with questions about exquisitely established mysteries. Such as "what powers arranged Filthy Eric´s sudden float as an acoustic buoy in tipton souvereign waters?" The sublime Smethwick masonic lodge? Or the MI 6 to trick out Icelandic beluga whalers, regretting badly their yelling "thar she blows" before receiving moist nightmare by Plop Plop´s well hung torpedo assault. Hope to find out in the next part. Cheers. Man.

  2. Josh, have you noticed that the ever present 'Mugumbo figure' is lurking in the background?