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| How pickled I am. |
The Mayor of Tipton, Sir Enoch Vowel Jnr III, announced today that Tipton will host the forthcoming ‘Miss Gypo Universe’ contest. Sir Vowel is earnestly seeking a compere to judge the prestigious event but unfortunately suitably slimly and ingratiating ‘hosts’ keep dying by the bus load. It was hoped that Sir Benny ‘How pickled I am’ Pod would be in the running for the job. However, it was revealed that Pod had actually been dead for the past five years unbeknownst to his manager and wife, Trixie Bell. Apparently, Sir Benny’s high blood alcohol level had prevented major decomposition and his inactivity was ascribed to a period of rest following extensive dental surgery.
Already, glamorous gypos from all round the West Midland Metropolitan region have been clamouring to register for this once in a life time event. Sharon ‘It’s not eczema it’s impetigo’ Mugumbo, from Dudley North East, is as excited as a ferret eating polystyrene and gushed wantonly: “I be so excited, innit. I can’t wait to meet *****". Complete as necessary from the following 'celebs' according to current animation status: Ben Pod (dead); Arthur Askew (dead); Henry Kissinger (mostly dead from the neck down); Richard O’Sullivan (not sure if he’s dead. Will have to Gogle it. Definitely did not look well last time I saw him in Aldi); Wee Kranky McSherbet (not looking good, might not make it to the podium). Sharon can’t wait to grapple with Chardonay ‘Hep C’ O’Magumbo (Smethwick West), in the emptying crap everywhere and not paying taxes round. She is certainly a strong contender in the whippet hurling and being drunk and obnoxious in the local hostelry playoffs.
If she wins the contest Sharon would like to work with children displaced by war and hunger; foster goodwill amongst all nations; promote world peace and round up of the inhabitants of the Gornal Wood gypsy encampment, hand them over to the special Einsatzgruppen battalion for special treatment and liquidation with extreme prejudice.
Laudable sentiments indeed, Miss Mugumbo.
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| Sharon in repose |
I think you have a secret yen to re-visit Tippen, dow yer ower kid?
ReplyDeleteShould you amass the NZ$ required and return to The Black Country, I would be delighted to meet you at The Crooked House and re-introduce you to the delights of a skinfull of Banks's.
Aye Ted, last time I dallied in the UK (12 years ago) I gave Tipton the slip. However, I did visit Dudley for the beer, Teddy Grey's toffee and the black country museum. Sadly I wont be returning to the land of my birth. I'm retiring soon and need all my gelt for resettlement to somewhere away from the common folk. A place where I can spin out my dotage with my lovely lady until Woden summons my soul. However, if you ever feel like visiting wonderful NZ give me a shout and a wink and I arrange a meet to carouse and wench and exchange sad stories about life.
DeleteThe right move: retirement is good - I only wish I'd done it when I was 24...
ReplyDeleteI chucked it in at 52. Eat your heart out 😁
DeleteNever regretted it. I've been telling Flaxen for years to stop fucking about and get his shit together!
I can attest to his welcome in NZ however.
https://dioclese.wordpress.com/2014/12/14/drinking-buddies/
We still keep in touch via Skype. He's a funny old cunt but we seem to get on...
Yea, we had a great time. I took Mr D on a Kiwi hunt. We managed to bag three of the reclusive buggers with a little help with my ferret, Shagger. Sweat meat but not much it.
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