Saturday, 20 June 2015

The Impending Royal Visit

Who's Ya Daddy

The Palace has just announced the impending visit of Prince Harry to the Municipal town of 'Dudley on da Canal'. Royal protocol demands that the proletariat of 'Dudley on da Canal' should abase themselves in the presence of the Royal opulence. In times past a simple genuflection from the waist was deemed sufficient. But as we move into more enlightened times, full proskynesis is thought more appropriate and prevents the expansive security personnel from applying a cattle prod to the miscreant’s genitals.

Prince Harry, 'The People's Prince', will arrive by motorcade. He will travel in a gold plated jewel encrusted Rolls Royce as befits this humble, simple down to earth, billionaire. The first stop will be 'Dudley on da Canal’s', Town Hall. For the occasion, the town hall will be lavishly bedecked in ermine and dripping in luxurious drapes. No expense will be spared as the furnishing of said building is coming directly from the local rate payers. Once inside this facade, Harry (for it is one) will enjoy a sumptuous banquet fit for a king. Sweetmeats and enticing viands are to be imported as far away as exotic Birmingham. As you have probably guessed, no expense will be spared. Afterwards, Prince Harry will meet up with those who have paid vast amounts of gelt to meet the Royal Ginger. This will include the rising ‘Coronation Street’ starlet, Miss Fagash (call me ‘big tits’) Mugumbo. Not since 1911 have the good burghers of Dudley etc have been enthralled by an exulted Royal presence. As you will no doubt recall, in 1911, the municipality had the pleasure and privilege to entertain the beloved German Emperor and King of Prussia, Kaiser Wilhelm II.       

Coro starlet, in repose

Due to recent changes in the rules of accession/succession, Prinz Harry is no longer in the first rank to succeed King Charles Spaniel. Under Charles’s influence, female royalty as well as royal pets and even vegetation have been enrolled. Thus Harry finds himself beleaguered and in 112th position to become King. He is below in the order, following Bessie the Corgi, a pot plant called Bertie and the ever popular, Shagger ‘The Ferret’. Shagger on hearing that he is 12th  in  line to the kingdom promptly showed his enthusiasm by gorging on assorted blocks of polystyrene and plastic insulation- ‘Go Shagger’.   

After consuming several bottles of champagne, Prince of ‘Hearts’ will mingle with the hoi polloi in an impromptu and unstaged/upstaged, meet and grate. It is expected that Hazza will challenge several members of the public to an arm wrestling contest before relinquishing the royal stomach contents over a proffered baby.

It was hoped, by almost no one, that he would have been accompanied by his father. But as the possibility remains endless, this was not to be. Bugger nuts. 

The beloved Prince

We certainly live in wondrous times.  

'Shagger' in waiting

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