Thursday 27 November 2014

Turned out nice again

                                                             George, stop being a twat......

George Formby was born in abject poverty in North Tipton circa 1904, next to the ill famed ‘Ferret Factory of fun’, a bawdy house of ill repute. His formative years were spent cleaning windows and when not gainfully employed he would often be found leaning on a lamp post. His big break came in 1932 when he invented the ‘George Formby grilling banjo.’ His great insight was to tilt a hot banjo at a jaunty angle of 45 degrees. In this way the molten lard rolled clean orf the food and wended its way to the adjacent midden pit. Inventions thereafter came thick and fast. Who can forget the ukulele that doubled as a cheese slicer?

Still a twat
In 1940 ‘Fulsome Toothed George’ married a shrew of a woman called Agnes, although from some angles Agnes resembled a ferret and this association was somewhat reinforced by her penchant for gnawing through electric cables. Under her baleful gaze George ascended to new dizzy heights of culinary genius and invented an electric guitar which doubled as a deep fat fryer. But in 1948 Agnes was electrocuted during an ill advised mastication session involving a 240 volt transformer. This was an all too common occurrence in the Formby household, however on this occasion the transformer happened to be plugged into the electric supply. 
Agnes before the accident

George was never quite the same and began frequenting the local hostelries thereabouts. It was during an ill fated night of inebriation that George had an epiphany. He awoke, stark bollock naked, on a park bench, at 4am in the morning, with a Chinaman sucking his toes. The Chinaman with the toe fetish turned out to be none other than Mr Wu (it could be no other) and they decided there and then to go into the laundry business together...........Arse bucket. 
                                                                         To be continued............ 


  1. I had no idea George led such a colorful life :O I always thought he was just a man with buck teeth and a banjo who could sing a bit. I always suspected George Foreman couldn't have created his stupid grill without assistance, now I know where he nicked the inspiration from. I'm astounded that Shagger let Agnes use his dress for that photo or was it Agnes left it to shagger and shagger is a descendant of Formby and his fried tonight electric chewing cable wife?

  2. As I understand it Kath, Shagger and Formby are not related. Although you can never be sure of this sort of thing. If they are related I suspect they are cousins, twice removed, on the distaff side. However, any family liaisons with ferrets would have been undoubtedly suppressed. Bestiality has never had a good press, even in George's time where every sexual deviancy was common place like a rampant ferret. As for that wretch Foreman, what can I say? Being hit repeatably about the head by big lads is generally not conducive to constructive thought. Although Iundoubtedly did hear tell that the animal, Mike Tyson, has invented a machine which nips your ears clean orf.....Go tell it to lugless Dougless.

  3. Ah, the gap toothed wizard orf the ukulele. Once a great star then the inevitable descent into deviancy and drugs. Sad times quickly followed by hard times. Easy going George was rapidly parted from his money. Rejected by his concrete hearted wife (her boatrace was not too clever either) he desperately gambled the remnants orf his fortune on a new venture, the Ukulele Wok. Alas it too failed and he drifted into chefing at a Chinese take away in Worthing. Still chasing the dream he created his signature dish Dog Chow Mein which alas failed to attract. Now a broken man there was no way out for him but the opprobrium orf the bankruptcy courts and to avoid the disgrace he sadly topped himself by taking his uke up the arse while playing "With me Little Ukulele in me Hand".
    George is pictured below during a break outside the take away: