Tipton Love Turbot on the Wane!

Tipton Beach after the clean up

Tangible news from Tipton’s only premier beach, ‘Beacho El Tipton’. Today it can be revealed that routine testing of the water lapping against the scum fringed shore has disclosed the presence of human excrement and weapons grade plutonium. Indeed, the whole beach is resplendent and replete with sizzling shit. 


A typical Tipton resident in repose

Mr ‘Baby Doc’ Vowel, the recently invested Mayor of Tipton, in a press announcement, had this to say: “The detection of harmless contaminants is in no way related to an agreement signed with the Glorious North Korean leader, Dim Pong Un Ping, for the importation of radioactive human faeces. I can assure you, that as the Managing Director of the ‘Glorious Glowing Korean Human Waste Corporation’, and after absconding to Bermuda, I will initiate a full investigation into this matter. In the meantime I would like to stress that the good citizens of Tipton should feel safe to bathe in the enriched, bubbling waters of the ‘Costo Del Radioactive Poo’. I am in no way worried about reports of swimmers sporting extra digits and nipples. This well recognised phenomenon is known to be due to the high coefficient of inbreeding in the area and is completely unrelated to the mutating effects of ionising, high energy, gamma rays. Extra fingers should be seen as a positive boon in the modern world as it aids manual dexterity, no end. And in my opinion, you can’t have too many nipples. Tis also to be noted that under the relentless barrage of radiation (allegedly), used and discarded condoms, known hereabout as, ‘Tipton Love Turbot’ have begun to disintegrate releasing their mucilaginous contents, akimbo”.



Lead lined bathing suit- not to be used in water

Mr Khan of ‘Mr Khan’s Cheap and Useless Urban Survival Equipment and Gimp Suits’, had this to say: “Fear not gentle burghers of Tipton, encompassing parts of Netherton North, but excluding Brierley Hill South, for today I have received a consignment of radiation damaged lead lined bathing suits, guaranteed to keep pesky alpha, beta and gamma particles at bay whilst the wearer is immersed in the warm, turbid and suspiciously sticky waters of ‘Crapo del Monte’.                                                                                                                                                                      



Rare sighting of the Tipton Love Turbot


A worried local environmental activist, Mr ‘Four nipples, three thumbs’, Mugumbo, has noted that the once abundant schools of Tipton Love Turbot are on the wane.  

Not all mutations are useless

Are you Rapture ready?

Hurrah! No dark folk in heaven

Are you Rapture compliant? For most, rapture means a moment of supreme pleasure. To be honest we are talking about exceedingly rare and fleeting events. Only a few chosen mortals are destined to experience an instance of sublime, euphoric bliss (Flaxen, stop talking bollocks). For fundamentalist religious folk it means something else. Many theologies have an 'end time', a time when history, as we know it, becomes suspended and humanity is judged by a 'Higher Power'; most are found wanting/wanking (amounts to the same thing). The righteous will be rewarded and ascend to heaven, whilst the rest face annihilation and oblivion, if they are lucky and if not, eternal torment.

With the coming of the 'Rapture' the select/elect will be physically whisked off the earth to heaven. The evil sinners will remain to face extreme tribulation. There are variations on the main theme, but a common thread suggests that 'the believers' will suddenly and cataclysmically, disappear.  

Strangely, there is no direct mention or narrative of the 'The Rapture' in the bible. 'Theologians', and I use the term loosely, have plundered various sources from the bible and tailored them to fit whatever tale, suits. The concept became popular with evangelical Christians during the latter part of the 19th century. The story continued to develop during the 20th century and interest continues today amongst the usual suspects. Numerous books have been written about the event. Most converts expect the Rapture to occur soon. Various 'signs' are touted to reveal the imminence of the event. The Rapturites (not a real word) get particularly excited about unsettled events in the Middle East. This essentially  means they have remained, for the last century, in a sustained, expectant and pre-orgasmic state- not quite as messy as it sounds.

Several years ago I signed up to a web site that declared its willingness to send an email announcing the Rapture after this singular event had occurred. There will be a bit of a delay as the whole process is based on the ‘dead man’s lever principle'. The reasoning being, once the author of the site has been whisked off to paradise he/she will no longer be able to prevent the automatic sending of an email to the unredeemed, announcing their doom. Although by this time you might have worked it out for your self as all the local Christians (not the Jehovah's Witnesses and Catholic Priests, though) have disappeared. Update: Bugger! I can no longer find the site and the only similar site I can find actually has the temerity to charge for the privilege!  For those of a curious nature, here is the link: http://www.youvebeenleftbehind.com/index.html.

There are a number of websites out in the aether who will gleefully and in graphic detail outline what will transpire when the time comes. Can’t but help think what a bunch of smug, stupid and self satisfied folk they really are. There is a website, which on first encounter, seems to have been set up to  fleece the gullible. It is a Rapture friendly pet adoption service. Once the sanctimonious buggers have been whisked off there will be a lot of stray dogs wandering about: “Hollering hound dog so forlorn”. For a modest fee, they will take in your beloved pet and administer succour and hopefully ‘doggy chow’. The site, as originally intended, is an obvious spoof. The administrator has even stated that the ‘service’ is not to be taken seriously. Nonetheless, the site has attracted paying customers; no accounting for human stupidity. But it doesn’t end there. Rapturites, have been suitably impressed and subsequently set up their own websites offering sincere animal services after the ‘faithful have left the building’. They have managed to round up well meaning atheists who are prepared to act as surrogate owners. It will come as no surprise that a fee is involved.

  

As ever, I’m intrigued. This madness hails from the US where 50% of the population believe  the Rapture will actually be a future historical event. Clearly for some folk, in the States, the education system has failed them badly. Causality, the renaissance and the scientific revolution has passed them by. They dismiss the fruits of science and knowledge in favour of incoherent, ill considered, primitive nonsense. Most of the ‘Rapture insight’ is based on an eschatology that drips in symbolism and violence, implied and explicit. Follow the warrior storm god and obey, or else you are doomed to be tormented, for eternity, regardless of how morally sound you were in this life. The only virtue which will save you is unquestioning belief. And this is all that is required. The adherents do not regard their belief with any critical faculty. Perhaps if they did they would quickly conclude that it is unsupported by any known knowledge and is complete and utter mugumbojumbo and dare I say it, utter arse- Arse (steady Flaxen).    

Don't worry Rover, we got you covered

Cleopatra and the Pearl

Alka Seltzer, it ain't

Cleopatra (b 69BC-d 30BC) has inspired writers and artists for over two thousand years. The purported Egyptian beauty, who seduced two of the most powerful men of the Roman world has fascinated and beguiled us, ever since. Cleopatra has become a byword for despotic, lush, oriental opulence and extravagance; a woman who during a banquet with her lover, the sot, Mark Antony, is said to have dissolved a priceless pearl in vinegar and drank it. So what is the truth and after all this time, should we care?

The first thing to note is that Cleopatra was not Egyptian, but a Macedonian belonging to the Macedonian dynasty who took control of Egypt after the death of the great general of antiquity, 'Alexander the Great' (d 323BC). A load of Highland ruffians who ruled the world, because they could. The rulers spoke Greek and didn't even bother to learn the native Egyptian language, although Cleopatra apparently made the effort, as she did with other barbarian tongues. She became ruler of Egypt on the death of her father, Ptolemy XII Auletes, at 18 (51BC). To legitimise her rule she married her younger brother who was aged 12, at the time- don't ask.

As regard her supposed beauty, let us consult the ancient writers for their considered opinion of her pulchritude: “For her beauty, as we are told, was in itself not altogether incomparable, nor such as to strike those who saw her; but converse with her had an irresistible charm, and her presence, combined with the persuasiveness of her discourse and the character which was somehow diffused about her behaviour towards others, had something stimulating about it. There was sweetness also in the tones of her voice; and her tongue, like an instrument of many strings, she could readily turn to whatever language she pleased…”

Plutarch's Life of Antony 

The only other evidence we have is her depiction on coins and sculptured busts. Allowing for a degree of stylisation, especially in the Greek renditions, a modest conclusion can be made. By the way, the Roman depictions are considered more realistic as befits this most practical and  bucolic of peoples. On the available evidence it seems she was no ravishing beauty in the mould of Elizabeth Taylor, nor was she a hideous hag. The truth probably lies somewhere in between. Her greatest attributes and all the ancient writers seem to agree, lay with her charm, intelligence and accomplishments, which indeed, were great.

   

We are on less firm ground when we come to the story of the pearl. Supposedly, Cleopatra bet Mark Antony that she could serve a meal costing 10 million sesterces. This would translate to about 30 million US dollars at today’s rates. Obviously Mark Antony was intrigued (probably drunk) and so he accepted the bet. Next day she set before Antony an extravagant banquet. He was impressed but pointed out that the meal came no where near 10 million sesterces. Cleopatra smiled and produced a glass of vinegar into which she placed one of her large and incredibly expensive pearl ear rings. The pearl fizzed in the vinegar and promptly dissolved. With a wicked gleam in her eye, Cleopatra drained the drink in one. All at the banquet agreed, she had won the bet.   

The account appears in the writings of a Roman author, Pliny the Elder, in 77AD. We should be wary of its veracity for several reasons: Firstly it was written many years after the alleged event; it was written by an enemy who had no love for Cleopatra and it has all the hallmarks of an urban myth. The ancients loved a 'rollicking' good story, just as we, and were not immune to subverting the facts, if it suited.

There should always be a kernel of truth in a good (and plausible?) urban myth. One part of the story can be tested today. Is it possible to dissolve a pearl in vinegar? The essence and nature of pearls and vinegar have not changed in two thousand years. Pearls will dissolve in vinegar but not in the way described by Pliny. A pearl, and especially a large pearl, will not dissolve within a very short time- we are looking at days. And remember, Cleopatra's pearl was very large. Therefore, the story could not have occurred exactly as described. The ancients should have got their facts right, we are talking about posterity, after all. This doesn't mean it didn't happen; a few modifications are required. If the pearl was crushed into a fine powder beforehand, then it would be possible to dissolve it quickly.

Having established that at least one part of the original story can't be true, it casts at least a modicum amount of doubt, over the rest of the story. The story, with reservations, is wholly consistent with what we know about Cleopatra herself. The great lady was wealthy, a ruler in the grand ancient tradition and flaunted the power of her privilege ostentatiously to the known world.       

I suppose, in the last analysis, we should revel in a tale told well and not ask penetrating and prosaic questions. Fiction can be intoxicating. After all, who questions whether Shakespeare's, 'Antony and Cleopatra' is a tale of real history? Tis a breathtaking, tragic, and  beautifully narrated story framed in lilting prose which, on occasion, inflames the senses. Apparently, it can make  grown men cry (not me though, I'm tough).

Historically, Cleopatra was an important character, although ultimately doomed. She played a fine game as only an intelligent ruler could in the face of subjugation to a greater power. She recognised the great Roman Empire for what is was. Not sophisticated, politically, or culturally. However, it possessed the only two characteristics which really matter in the world's great arena; political stability (*see comment, below) and a large and well trained military force. Nothing else really matters, at least from the grand geopolitical perspective. Expanding on this analysis, it is well to consider that the subjugator, the Roman Empire, when its time came, fell more to internal enemies than those without. Modern Western powers should take note.     

*As I'm sure you are aware, I'm not a great one for digression, but I thought it necessary to introduce a caveat on Rome's 'political stability', before I receive censure. The period of which I write is a time of great political upheaval for Rome. Prior to this era, Rome experienced relatively stable political conditions under the Republic, however, it did suffer from periods of social tumult. Caesar introduced a form of stability that pleased no one but himself. After his death, the Roman world descended into civil war. And with interludes, real peace and tranquillity (at least for the Romans) did not descend until the coming of the first Roman Emperor, Octavian. The rest is history- go read.   

  

A.R.S.E in Tatters

No comment

Breaking news courtesy of the Tipton Independent Football Association (A.R.S.E). After much deliberation, enemas and arsoul searching, 'El Presidente' of A.R.S.E., Mr Slop Bucket, has decided to continue in his exalted orifice amid serious allegations of financial probity. It can be revealed that after a searching probe of A.R.S.E., the organ has come up squeaky clean. Senior auditor, Mr Corrupt Mugumbo issued the following statement: "It's a bleeding liberty, innit. I came to the audit anally retentive and with a closed mind (and an open hand/cloaca) expecting to reveal gross financial misappropriation and fiscal impropriety of gargantuan proportion, only to uncover indisputable pecuniary accountability. At no time did I find the opportunity to extort vast piles from A.R.S.E. No evidence of 'messy doings' going on below. ARSE has come up spanking new and shiny and at no time have sticky fingers been found in mounds of booty nuggets." Cloys under the finger nails something awful. 

Guess who hasn't been taken his blue pills, or the pinks ones?  Normal service will resumed once I'm pharmaceutically compliant

Be careful of what you pay for.......

Unlocking the genome- but don't hold your breath

The new meds are certainly kicking in and I feel incipient madness slipping away..... According to my wife and mistress, (please don't tell Mrs S- luckily she does not read my nonsense) I've been getting worse of late. So relative sanity is a welcome change. Of course, it is all down to compliance. I might stop taking the blue pills, just because I can. Haven't made my mind up about the pink ones, yet. As promised here is a very sensible post. Not a mention of Mugumbo, or profanity, at all. But I do get the occasional 'ferret' interspersed in the text for no reason at all- baby steps.

It seems everyone is interested in genetics these days. With the unlocking of the genome, there is a wealth of knowledge worthy of plunder. And if there is a buck to be made you can bet there is a corporation just ready to meet your needs, at a price.

Anyone can obtain a genetic profile. Scrape your cheek and put in a pot and send it off for genetic analysis. The cost is about a thousand dollars. So what do you get for your hard earned gelt? A genetic profile which tells a story? The information contained therein is intricate and not easily unravelled. If you expect to be told your genetic heritage or future, then think again. Sadly, the technology is widely available and will produce a wealth of data. But the devil is in the interpretation. And this is where the real problem lies. When confronted with a vast amount of data/cash, any commercial company will give you an answer. This does not mean the answer is correct or relevant. Snake oil in a different format.

I work as a geneticist and analyse genetic profiles every day. Because I work in a clinical and diagnostic setting I have to be circumspect with my interpretation. I am driven by the available data in the published literature. My report is always consistent with known knowledge. Send your sample to a commercial company and a genetic profile becomes manifest. To sift through  genetic variation takes time and frankly commercial enterprises don't have the inclination or motivation to invest in this endeavour. They will, no doubt, come up with a grand report, but to be honest it will mean nothing.

To be told your susceptibility to disease and cancer pleases no one, especially as the interpretation is likely to be incorrect. Go tell it to your insurance broker ferret. Genetic information is incredibly complex to disassemble. I should know, it's my job. If anything, I have learned that genetic systems are wonderfully intricate. They defy simple analysis. To think otherwise is an exercise in futility and madness. The interplay and subtle interaction of our genes is beyond the understanding of man. Complex algorithms may one day be employed to unravel and provide an 'understanding', although I can't help but feel it will fall short. If I have learned anything, is that nothing is as it seems and all is irreducibly and incredibly abstruse! Except ferrets, ferrets are endearingly and maddenly (this may not be a real word- in fact, it is not, I tried to look it up), simple and complex. Flaxen, keep taking the blue pills!                 

Parish Notice

It has not gone unnoticed by the author that this blog has been getting increasingly 'odd' over the past few weeks and the mention of 'ferrets' has ceased completely. This has been noted as a worrying trend and provides unique and illuminating  insight into my turbulent psyche. Consequently, I have gained the professional services of my erstwhile psychiatrist (he is not called Mugumbo) and after a lengthy and expensive/expansive consultation, Dr Mugumbo (steady Flaxen) has changed my medication. I have been assured that once the cheque has cleared the results will be immediate and long lasting. In anticipation, of relative sanity, I have been working on a very sensible post- honest. This will become manifest once the new meds kick in.

I thank my gentle readers for their indulgence and patience
Arse protrusions    

The Beast of Dudley

Credulous Mugumbo contemplating dentures

Exclusive scoop from Dudley's only premier newspaper: 'The Egregious Albocracy Hippogriff Bloviate' (formerly, the Dudley Bugle). Terrifying news from the scenic, quaint, Market town of Dudley. Today it can be revealed/reviled that the good citizens of Dudley are in the grip of terror perpetrated by a beast of horrendous and unknown proportions. Mr Credulous Mugumbo takes up the story as if it was yesterday: "Yesterday, just after closing time, I was wending my weary, but wary way home after imbibing 15 pints of Dudley's finest ale, 'Old Carbuncle'- a fine hoppy ale with a pus imbued, purulent head. Not for the faint hearted and best enjoyed with a local anaesthetic. As usual, I've digressed. Anyway, as I turned the corner of a street leading to the town's cesspit, I was confronted by the hulking indistinct form of a phantasm, ill-conceived and consistent with the demented and alcohol formented (not a real word)/fermented, imbued contrivance of a simpleton. The form shifted and as my befuddled wits coalesced, I perceived with reckless and wanton abandon the shape of an indistinct fancy, which retreated and advanced in tune with my pulsating and rhythmic torso. Never, whilst sober, have I observed such an ethereal and incorporate monster. Surely I was in the grip of an inconsequential, substantial apparition and paradoxical, oxymoron". Arse.

There is no doubt that the beast observed by the Credulous is none other than the 'Beast of Dudley', quaintly known hereabouts as ' Cessy'. Cessy has been seen by the befuddled for over 12 centuries and there exists a description of the beast in the 10th century Town's chronicles, aptly called: 'Dudley Town's Chronicles from the 10th Century'. Here is the vernacular rendition attributed to Edbald, 'The Adled': "And lo did Thuckwid, the Thegn, did imbibe mightily in the Great Feasting Hall. His loins much girded with mead till he did stop and let his water gush asunder against a wattle and daub wall until flow, first waxed, then waned, then stopeth, in stutters. He then went forth in a wending way and staggered until he spied through the haze of ale, a spectre all dressed in diaphanous, inconspicuous garb……… etc".

                                                                         ᚫᚱᛊᛖ

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